"I'm impossible to forget...

but hard to remember..."

Let me just start by saying I don't plan for this to me some super deep insightful post because in all honesty I don't really see myself as the deep insightful type of person. That being said here we goooooo!

"Do you ever just think I'm fooling everybody?"- Claire Colburn. Sometimes I wonder about the person that I am. Like the way I view myself and the way others see me are probably completely different. I see myself as the girl next door with the ridiculous quirks but a sweetheart that will stand by your side no matter how pissed she may be at you. Or in theatrical terms pretty much every character Meg Ryan has ever portrayed in a movie with a dash of Claire Colburn (played my Kirsten Dunst) in Elizabethtown. I'm incredibly indecisive, overly obsessed with youtube, an over-analyzer, and a terrible cook. There are some days when I really struggle to see what anyone could possibly see in me. Today seemed to be one of those days. I was productive per the request of my boyfriend. I turned in my application to get my butt back in school, I picked up my contacts...I even got a nap! Productive day indeed. Then I was on the phone with my mom and all the good juju the productivity brought me came crashing down. The stress began seeping back in. The crap wagon began to fill up again and all the ugly qualities I have came bursting through the seams of my jolly mood. I don't want to say that I "hate" my father because thats suuuuuch a strong word. I just don't get him sometimes. I think he can be unbelievably selfish. I think he doesn't think things through before he acts and I think that anything he does has strings attached to it. All in all, if you can't tell I'm not exactly doing cartwheels about anything related to my father. That crap wagon I emptied so long ago is just being piled and piled on with more and more crap. I just can't find a way to let it go right now. I'll survive this. I've survived everything else that's happened. God's still God and in the end He's got my back. It won't be easy...I'm sure sacrifices will have to be made but I'll survive. I just wish as you got older life grew easier....apparently it doesn't. It gets worse. WAY worse. And I don't mean to sit here and complain because that's not my intention at all. I guess this is just my way of processing my emotions. Typing out my thoughts, using other people's words and quotes to relate to my life. As lame as it is...blogging helps me "express myself". Gosh I sound like a nut case. Oh well. It is what it is.

"Sadness is easier because it's surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free." - Claire Colburn

This Could Be Ignorant...

Holy long time gone batman.

Well it's been over a month. What is there to say. How have I grown. What's new and has changed. Let's start with the easy things...I work all the time, I have a ridiculous television schedule I keep up with at the risk of going insane, I still have an unbelievable addiction to youtube and am still proud to be a nerdfighter, and I now have a boyfriend as of...well 1 o'clock this morning. There are the easy things. You all seem to be caught up now.

What's been on my mind you ask? Oh you know...those easy questions of life really. The biggest thing on my mind is the non-Christian -vs- Christian debate. More specifically a Christian dating a non-Christian. It's a confusing thing really. Who's to say who's a Christian and who isn't? Isn't that for God to judge anyway? I guess I'm just getting to a point in my life where I'm so over the "rules" that seem to be automatically assumed with Christianity. I really don't think that's what it's about and I mean it's not like I've been doing tons of digging and researching so I may be completely ignorant on the issue. What does Jesus say are the two greatest commands. 1) Love the Lord your God with all your heart and 2) Love your neighbor as yourself. Those are the greatest commandments and I'm not saying we should just ignore everything else because we shouldn't but I just get so tired of other Christians just looking down their noses at me. For them to judge me for the decisions I make. There is a point where yeah if I'm going out and getting crunk every night, sleeping around with tons of men, doing crazy and copious amounts of drugs and have a flagrant disregard for everything then yeah...let's have an intervention. However, if I haven't been to church in a while and you've never spoken to me before don't give me the stink eye. Please don't come up to me and say how nice it is to finally see me back at church. You don't know my business. That's for God to judge, not you please and thanks. Same thing goes with if I decide to date a "non-Christian" or however you'd like to label it. I'm not asking you to do it. I'm not asking you to give me your opinion. At the end of the day that's between me, the other person, and God. That's kind of it. I mean I get that some people offer their advice because they care about me and they have my back. That's great and I'm thankful for it but again...I'm an adult. It's my decision to make.

Let's see what else is there to say....I guess there really isn't anything else to report. I'm still the same old person. Same old issues. But all in all, I'm lucky. I've got great friends, an awesome family for the most part and now a great boyfriend. My job is still consistent and I'm still healthy. As far as I'm concerned...I'm lucky and I'm blessed. God's been good to me.