Leaving and Freedom.

I get like this every few months or so. I just get to the point where I want to leave and run away. Whether it's run away from my problems or from people, I just want to get out of Ohio and run. Just go somewhere new, start fresh and get an actual do-over. It all sounds so dramatic and I don't really mean for it to be, sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with my surroundings and I just have to get out. The annoying thing is though, all it is is talk....no actions. I can never follow through with it. For a while last year I was dead set on leaving America for a year. Just taking off on a plane and finding a nanny job in England, yet here I sit....in my bed....in Ohio. All it is, is talk. All the time I spend thinking about leaving and planning out what I would actually be doing if I could get the balls to follow through with it is just...kind of wasted....

They make the whole thing sound so easy in songs. Maybe that's why I think about it all the time....it's that damn country music I love so much. Dierks Bentley made a living off of songs about drifting, leaving, and running...It sounds so beautiful. I mean don't get me wrong, it sounds lonely as hell sometimes but the idea of freedom and only worrying about yourself sounds so freeing and just beautiful. Drifting from town to town, just meeting new people, making new friends and just starting over with every move.

It's possible that I do this entirely to myself. That I just take everyone else's cares and woes upon myself until I just get so weighted and rundown that I just want to drop everything and run away. Luckily for me I'm fairly irresponsible with money so I never have the money to just literally drop everything and up and move to a different city, state, or heaven forbid, country. Sometimes I just wish I could start over. Not have to live up to every one else's standards for myself...not have to paste a smile on my face and pretend that I'm not totally broken on the inside. The idea of not having to think about everyone else's feelings and how every decision I make will be judged and picked apart just sounds so amazing, so free. Maybe it's the freedom of drifting that I long for so much. The freedom to come and go as I please, to just have the space I need to be the REAL me. Not the candy-coated version I have to show people. Sometimes I really think I'm fooling people. I trick them into thinking that I'm this happy-go-lucky girl that can take on anything, when in reality the littlest things can take me down and destroy me. I don't mean to sound so emo, things just get a little tricky to navigate sometimes....

I think I just need to accept that for the most part, my decisions will never be good enough for certain people. I'm always going to be the screw up. I'm always going to be the one that drops the ball and let's the "good guy" or the "good job" or the "perfect opportunity" get away. Procrastination, imperfection, and laziness will forever plague me and as much as I want to change and as much as I've already changed in comparison to past years, it's still not enough. I guess it just sucks when you're told your choices are foolish and every adjective used to describe your choices are used to describe you as well....foolish, irresponsible, childish, stupid, dumb....I think you get the idea. It does wonders for your outlook let me tell you.

My conclusion : I'm never going to be good enough for certain people, hence the appeal for drifting and leaving. I'll be gone without a trace. The critics won't know where I am and the only ones that matter will get enough letters and phone calls to know I'm alive and safe. Maybe I just have a little patch of a gypsy soul in me, maybe I'm a little sensitive and a little bit of a quitter. Call it what you will but the idea of just drifting through sounds too beautiful to pass up sometimes...but at this point in time, for the sake of my bank account...I have to.

I'm a Rambling Lass

Alright...let's try and write this out.

These past few days have been confusing and my mind is running a million miles a minute, prepare for many ramblings.

It makes me think of John Green and An Abundance of Katherines. The only thing my mind can seem to process right now is the Dumper/Dumpee paradox. Is one always one or the other? Or is it possible to be both. I've always been the dumpee, never the dumper. It may just be because I get too attached. Maybe I'm just naive enough to think they'll grow up or change. Maybe it's because I'm so freaking stubborn that I think that it's just a phase and if we power through we'll come out on the other side closer and stronger. I just don't understand somethings anymore but I'm not about to air out all my dirty laundry at the risk of who could potentially be reading.

Why is money so important? I get it purpose really, but I guess I don't understand the stress of it all. I mean trust me, money is one of the biggest things I stress about. It's ridiculous and it's stressful and it sucks. So annoying and so frustrating.

Frost/Nixon : fantastic movie. love it. love the history of it all. I wish I would have been alive during the time. Nixon was clearly disturbed and paranoid and all around kind of a loon, and to see a British reporter come in and basically take him down and get that explanation that the American people wanted. Amazingly epic. It kind of gives me a nerdgasm.

and finally.

DISC GOLF. I suck, so so so terribly bad. I made boyfriend and I lose. Not very good.

6 month's come and gone....

Almost 6 months later, and here I am again! I could bore you all with the lame details but how about a general overview?

Well what have I been up to you ask? SCHOOL. SCHOOL. and you guessed it! MORE SCHOOL. I sound like I'm whining and while yes, part of me is just because it's finals week, I have LOVED school. The weekly routine was definitely missed. I love that each week everything was planned but my schedule was still free enough to where I didn't feel like my brains would explode every day. I've also decided that I might have the easiest major in the world. That could also have something to do with the fact that I am a gigantic nerd and absolutely love history. Most people don't understand why I love it so much. When I tell them my major they just look at me like I'm crazy but that's ok...we've all got our thing, history's just mine. Sad to say, however, school is quickly drawing to an end. Finals week is upon us and I'm one final down....one more to go until I'm done with another year of school. That means I'll have plenty of time for the other thing that's kept me away from you blogger.....

WORK. While I understand that I'm very lucky to have a job right now, I sometimes wonder why I'm there. Why do I choose to wait tables five days a week? In what world did I think it would be smart to be in another customer service job? In reality I'm a college student...pretty much any job for me right now is going to be a customer service job. I've done it before and I can do it again. And here comes my rant....someone please explain to me why it's ok for people to be rude. Honestly, I get that you're hungry but if you see that I'm running around doing things for my 4 other tables don't snap your fingers at me, mean mug me, then roll your eyes at me when I explain why you don't have the tortillas you didn't ask for. I am not a mind reader. I am your server. If you tell me what you need I'll get it for you. Don't expect me to just automatically know you loons.

and finally the last thing that's kept me away...BOYFRIEND.

Oh boyfriend...where to begin. He's fantastic, insane, silly, sweet, and just so precious. I'm a lucky little lady. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like our relationship is all unicorns and rainbows, we have our moments and sometimes our moments are pretty intense. It all comes full circle though and clearly works out for the better. Sometimes the easiest way for me to describe relationships is through words that are not my own...like this for example...

"...bottom line, couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship everytime, if it's right and they're really lucky, one of them will say something..."

That little nugget was taken from an episode of scrubs and it's entirely true. If you're right for each other the crap won't take you down. Someone will fight for that relationship. It's encouraging to think about really. I love the quote. LOVE it.

Well there you go. You're caught up on my life. You're welcome. I'm sure you've been sitting on the edge of you seat waiting for a post. I probably just made your day. again...you're welcome.