Toledo to Tokoyo...

Fall is back in full swing. The air is crisp. The leaves are crunchy and the apple festival is just in a few days. I love fall. I always have. Wait...scratch that. I feel like the love of fall is something that comes with age. Think back to when you were younger. All that mattered was NO SCHOOL. Fall automatically means school has started and even though the colors were beautiful, it meant that I would spend most of those beautiful fall days in Mrs. Cousin's classroom writing in cursive and doing my math problems. As I got older though, my love for fall blossomed. Now there's nothing better than being wrapped up in jackets and scarves taking a walk through wildwood while the leaves crunch underneath your sneakers. Its just a good feeling.

I'm wondering what God has in store for me these next couple weeks...months....years. I guess my life is just a blank canvas once again. I have all these ideas and plans being thrown about inside my head but at this point thats all they are....ideas. I would LOVE to study in England or Australia for a year but I'm still praying about it. It's like I have to make wise decisions now...I can't just make these decisions on a whim. It's already taking me a while to finish school. I don't want to be there forever. God is good though. I'm sure he'll show me where to go....

Sidenote : I bought Brandon Heath's newest album....phenomenal. I'm sure I'll post about one of his songs eventually....

Unpredictable...

College football season has started. Here come the millions of facebook statuses referencing the "big" game....the winning team, the losing team...the emotions depending on if their team won. This would probably be more exciting if I followed football as much as I follow basketball....I root for OSU. It's a family thing (with the exception of my mom) but don't expect to see me screaming at the television anytime soon. I'll leave that to my mother, sister, and brother-in-law...

On a slightly different and definitely a more important note...I'm still trying to figure out why God still has me here and where I'm to go next. God, what's the next move? I'm not stressing over it or anything like that...I'm just merely curious. Where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do? Help me to remember that YOU are what makes my life worthwhile and YOU are the one that makes my way perfect.

Psalms 18: 30-32

(30) God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
(31) For who is God except the Lord? Who but our God is a solid rock?
(32) God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect.

Francesca Battistelli - Unpredictable
Got my thoughts
I got my words
Got this head full of answers
Got You wrapped up
Got You under control
See my future like the past behind me
I think I know where You’re leading
Don’t need no questions
Don’t need no rocking the boat
But I just forget all the mystery
I just forget who You are

(Chorus)
When I know that I know
What You have down the road
When I’m sure that I’ve figured You out
Help me see that I’m small
That I can’t know it all
‘Cause You’re so unpredictable
‘Cause You’re so unpredictable

..... there are more lyrics but she couldn't have seen it any better. God continue to remind me that I'm insignificant. I don't know it all and MY way is not YOUR way and your way is what I need. You are what makes my life worthwhile.

a thankful prayer...

I'm a depraved and foolish human. I deserve nothing but pain and suffering...Jesus thank you for dying for me and for covering my sins. You have saved me from endless suffering and torture and I am forever indebted to you. Thank you for the things you have provided me with...for my salvation, my health. For the promise that you will never leave me or forsake me and for the endless love you have for me. I am not worthy Lord. Inspite of all my failures, you still love me. In my worries, you're there listening to me and giving me the peace I need. In my fears, you're there comforting me and reminding me to trust in you. You are my strength and portion forever God. I pray that you will continue to work in my life. I want your will for me Lord. Show me the path you want me to follow....

WHY WHY WHY?!

I'm trying really hard to keep up on my blogging and unfortunately its all just swirling down the crapper right now...so here's a snippet that's going on in my life....

God is good ALL the time. This is something that I'm struggling to remember...Everything that happens is in his perfect will for my life. HIS plan is much better than mine. These are all things I "know" but struggle to believe when things don't go my way. Let me fill you in. I am no longer going back to Indiana Wesleyan this semester...my loans didn't go through for some reason that is still unknown to me. In the days leading up to this I felt like something was going to happen....I was just very unsure as to why. WHY. This is the question I've been asking a lot lately. WHY am I still in Toledo? WHY didn't my loans go through? I just don't understand and I realize that God is God...I don't have to understand what's going on. I am in loving and completely capable hands. God knows what was going to happen today...last week...next week...and 30 years from now. WHY should I worry? WHY should I act like a petulant child? Right now I'm still in the confused questioning stage...obviously. All I can see right now is all the plans I made disintegrating before my very eyes and there is nothing I can do to stop it....and you know what? that's ok. I'm not going to go back to pushing for my way. My way rarely works out well for me in the end. I'm just in a perpetual state of confusion these days...but I'm sure I'll come out on the other end grateful and happy for these moments.

Today I went to IWU to cancel all my classes, shut down my housing, and talk with financial aid. Needless to say it was a VERY long day. I miss my friends but for some reason I was just in a horrible mood while I was there. Just being there didn't really feel right...it was very confusing. Moment after moment I felt myself getting more and more irritated and aggrivated over the slightest things. Keep in mind that it is the first week of school so the freshman are EVERYWHERE. The student center was bustling with pretty much the entire campus. The offices were packed to the max with worried students (like myself) trying to get everything settled in to place for their semester. With every passing student and every long line I had to wait in, the little bits of patience I had disappeared quicker and quicker. It was like everything was just off...not just the timing, but my friendships, school work, loans...all these things combined just created this scenario that had me wondering what on earth God was doing. I'm still at that place. WHAT IS GOING ON?

[Isaiah 55:8-9]