It begins with indifference and trails from there

"The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And if you hate me that means you still care and we're still connected and I still have a chance to set you right." - Desperate Housewives

It's been a long day. A very very long day. And it's been the kind of day where I kind of can't do anything expect look to God and ask, what on earth did I do that brought a day like this upon me? I don't want to play the victim because honestly whining about it isn't going to solve anything. I need to find a solution, or atleast figure out how I feel about the situation.

I know that God has given me the family I have for a reason. They're nosy. They're opinionated. They're involved. I know all these things and I appreciate them for the most part. What I don't understand is why it is things never ever ever go the way I plan for them to. The "hazing" of sorts they use to initiate a new person in to our family is getting a little out of hand. I realize they want to weed out the ones that aren't "good" for me. They do it because they care, but there needs to be a line. Apparently we're still looking for that line.

God made me very different from my sister. I'm not better than she is, she's not better than I am. We're just very very different. I love her to death. I truly do, but I don't always agree with her. I will always listen to what she has to say but I'm a big girl now. I'm 20 years old and I'm not saying I have everything figured out because I don't. God has a totally different plan for me compared to the plan He has for her. That's just life. So what I don't understand is why she feels the need to tell me how she would do things. She was engaged at 19, married at 20, pregnant at 21. That was God's plan for her. I'm 20 years old. I'm not in school, I don't even know where I'm going to go in the fall. I've met someone but I'm not rushing in to marrying him anytime soon. We're still getting to know each other. This is just the beginning of what could be a great relationship. We've just seemed to hit a speed bump.

I keep thinking back to the Armor of God post I posted forever ago while I was still at IWU. Satan knows where to attack me. He knows where I begin to doubt myself and doubt the decisions I've made in the past. I know that I haven't always made the smartest choices or chosen the "right" person and he knows I know. I feel like it's easy for him to attack me there. It's easy for other people to say things that hit me in my tender spot. I'm not saying it isn't true. It's entirely true, but I'm in the healing process. There are still scars left by the jerks. There will always be scars. I'm insecure about them and I don't like talking about it. No one likes when their flaws are pointed out to them especially when they know they made a mistake and messed up. So my family doubts my ability in choosing men. I've chosen some real losers, I know. I don't always make good decisions. I'm not a perfect person. I'm a flawed human that makes stupid decisions, but that doesn't mean God can't work in those situations. If I'm always doubting my choices I'll never be able to decide anything for myself. I'll never be able to live the kind of life I want to live. I want God to use me in the ways he sees fit. Other people's opinions can't weigh me down. Jesus is my living hope and my eternal joy. At the end of the day, even if everyone in the world abandons me, God never will. He is full of grace and truth and no matter what stupid choice I make He will still love me. He never promises this life will be easy but He does promise He will never leave me alone to deal with it.

God I'm so thankful for your promises. I love that you love me enough to never leave me and be with me in every situation. I ask that you guide me in the direction YOU would have me go. This life you've blessed me with is YOURS. If that means I spend my life single, may your will be done. If that means you bring someone in my life Lord, may YOUR will be done.

The Thinking Tree

Everyone has their happy place. This is the place where they can just go and catch their breath. A place where they can do whatever thinking that needs to be done without the distraction of everyday life. This beautiful little spot is my happy place. My "thinking tree".

Back in November I went through some things. The decisions I had made left me wondering why my life was such a mess? It had me questioning my ability to make smart choices and the power of forgiveness from a loving God. This is the place where I spend hours just sitting, writing, praying, and thinking about the messes I had made. It's such a small thing really, this little "thinking place". God really used it in my life though. This was where I realized the destructive behavior I had been involved in and the place where I made the decision to stop. The place where I realized that no matter what I do I will never be outside the grace of God. This is my beautiful little thinking place. My very own giving tree. It provided me shade, a place to sit, and a place to think and pray. The only things I needed at the time I needed them most. My very own giving tree.

yes. i am A.D.D.

So I'm doing something I very rarely do. The smell of ground coffee beans are floating in the air and Mr. Michael Buble is serenading me in his rich and beautiful voice. I'm in the company of an entertaining gentleman. Life is good and I am blessed.

Today has just been an all around great day. The weather was great and my friends are awesome. It's days like today that truly remind me what a lucky girl I am. Despite all the horrible things I've been through. The pain and sorrow that have filled my life for months at a time. I am still so blessed.

Is it bad to love the way that God made me? Yes I am a little A.D.D. Yes I am Asian. Yes I have so many quirks and issues but I love the way that God made me. There is no one else in the world quite like me and I LOVE it :)

or never die...

There's the old adage, old habits die hard. Well I think there needs to be an extended version of that. Old habits die hard...or they just plain NEVER DIE. Not exactly an optimistic though I know but it seems like every old habit I have just won't die. I've tried everything and for a while it works. For a while things are under control then something sneaks past my defenses and BAM! I'm a mess once again. I don't understand why things just need to be so difficult.

As a female is it okay to just write something off because you're a female and that's just what you're "supposed" to do? For example, someone just up and stops talking to you when they've talked to you for a regular basis everyday for a good portion of the day. It's completely normal for girls to over analyze the situation, freak out, and then become a crazy mess. I have to say I'm ashamed that this happened to me. I don't like that I freaked out. I don't like that I reacted the way that every other girl would. I'm not every other girl. I don't want to be every other girl.

God, you've been patient with me through all my screw ups. I ask that you'll be patient with me through this one too. You know what's going to happen in my life and I shouldn't worry about it. Ultimately, you are in control of every situation and you love me and will take care of me. I pray that I'll ALWAYS remember that!

Don't you just love when you just feel yourself become whinier and whinier and you JUST CAN'T STOP. yeah. me too...

I don't want to whine. I want the word vomit to stop. This whole week I've done nothing but really whine about how tired and I am or how things aren't going the way I want them too. ME ME ME ME ME. That has been my entire week. I don't like when I start acting self-centered and selfish...that's not the person I should be. That's not the person I want to be. God, help me control the word vomit. I ask that you'll show me how blessed I am. Bring me peace and clarity to every situation Lord. In everything I say and do, please be with me every step of the way. Remind me that you are all I need in life Lord. You can give me the strength, the love, the friendship, and the company that I seek and need. You're all I need.

sticks and stones may break my bones...

So this is something that's been on my mind and something I'm going to ramble about...don't expect it to be intelligent or thought provoking....

When it comes to language what is considered too far? Who says that the "bad words" are bad? This is something I just can't seem to understand. I've gone back and forth on the issues. When I was a little girl, when I said the word stupid or shut up or poopy head I got spanked and my mouth washed out with soap. Liquid soap. It was gross but that still wouldn't stop me from using those words. Now they're main staples in my vocabulary. Does that make me a horrible person?

As a Christian, where is the "appropriate" place to draw the line? I know that throughout the Bible we're warned of having an untamed tongue and the damages that they can cause. It also talks about how we're not to be like the world and how we are to be different from the world in what we do and say but if I'm joking around with one of my friends and I call her a dirty whore and someone over hears the conversation will they automatically think I'm a horrible Christian and write me off as a lost cause? These are the things I don't understand....

There's been a lot of things on my mind recently. With all the mistakes I've made in my past, all the horrible things I've done and knowing that I will stand accountable to God someday for that scares the crap out of me. It also makes me thankful for the grace that I've been given and that despite my transgressions, God still continues to bless me with things and people I do not deserve. I'm a blessed little lady.

100 posts....

Well according to my little dashboard...this is lucky number 100 in my blog posts. I really wish I had something more composed and intelligent to say.

With Easter having passed recently I've been thinking a lot about grace. So many times I feel like God will love me if I just work my way into his favor....like I have the mentality that if I just led a sinless life I'd be worthy of his grace and in a sense trying to "earn" my salvation even though I've already accepted the gift. Let's think about the reality of this though. There is NO possible way I would ever in a million years even if I tried my absolute hardest that I would ever live a sinless life. That's the beauty of his grace. Even though I'm easily one of the worst and retched people on this planet, He still loves ME. He wants ME to be with him in heaven someday. I'm a lucky girl. Despite my flaws and many disappointing decisions I make He still loves me....Jesus loves EVEN ME.

my hiatus has ended...

Guess who's back!

I realize it's been a while since I've blogged and there's a reason for that. The reason being someone broke in to my house and stole my laptop....it hasn't been a pleasant couple months because of that but I've managed to find other ways around things. I've been journaling a LOT. but I've always journaled a lot...I guess I just really enjoy writing event though I'm not neccesarily good at it.

I never grow old in the ways that God works. His timing is always perfect and so different from mine....but his is SO much better. I'll never get tired of seeing how he works.