not.myself.

I'm spending a lot of time alone and I'm slowly beginning to feel myself just pull away from people. I spend my life currently living in books, imagining this far off life someone else is living. It's not like reading is a bad thing, it's actually my favorite thing. For some reason though, the more time I spend in books, the more I feel myself drifting away from people. Now I suppose it isn't entirely fair to strictly blame books because let's be honest, busy schedules play a huge role in it as well. I'm finding myself just drifting through this "actual" reality basically counting down the hours until I can return to my fictional worlds with these heroic women that I'll never in a million years be. While it's kind of depressing, it's also kind of amazing. Books are definitely my anti-drug...or I suppose it could probably be phrased that books are my drug but in my mind I'd argue it's a good drug to be hooked on....

On a more random note, I don't understand why people cannot mind their own business, especially when it pertains to who I choose to spend my time with or talk to. I think it needs to be said that just because I speak on a regular basis with someone of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean that my relationship is going to crumble. It's not a reason to go up to someone and tell them to "not talk to girls that are already taken" because that just shows not only a complete disregard for my character but also an extremely childish view on friendships. Boys no longer have cooties. It's socially acceptable for guys and girls to be friends. Especially for someone like me who not only does not get along with girls, but also is in a major dominated by males. All my classmates are boys so yes we spend time studying together or heaven forbid, text each other! I must be a horrible girlfriend because I talk to boys that aren't my boyfriend. Naturally, every guy I come across must be working to destroy my relationship. AAAANNNNNND end rant. Sorry folks, but people that meddle really grind my gears. Especially when they don't know what they're talking about.

Let's Play Catch-up

Well, as we've seen I'm either a terrible blogger or I lead a boring, redundant life. My conclusion is it's a little bit of both but alas, here I am again with a life decision or problem or rant to indulge you all with. The problem is not necessarily one BIG problem, but instead a bunch of little random problems that are scattered throughout my life. From friendships to work, I'm constantly faced with decisions that don't seem that significant but add up to big things. Oh where to begin....

Let's start with work. I'm a server and it's decent money and a pretty easy job. The hardest part though? my co-workers. OH.MY.GOODNESS. Never in my life have I been surrounded by so many irresponsible, gossipy, and childish adults. Day after day I'm forced to deal with not only difficult tables, but even more difficult co-workers. Now they all aren't bad, but it's the few bad apples that ruin the bunch. In my mind I know I should be the bigger person, show God's love, or just be a better person than they are but most days I feel like I just can't do it. I'm no longer the bubbly, happy girl at work anymore. Now I'm the girl that's quiet, sullen, and most shifts, solitary. I'm there to do my job....not make friends which brings me to my next rant....

Friendship. One simple word with a series of complicated definitions. There isn't really one true way to define friendship. For some friendships it's defined by the number of times you spend time with someone. For other's it's being able to pick up right where you left off after not seeing each other for months. It's also something that's the basis of a number of other relationships whether it's a mother-daughter relationship, a sister relationship, or a romantic relationship. What happens when friendship ceases to exist in one of those relationships, particularly a romantic relationship. Have they miraculously surpassed into this upper level boyfriend/girlfriend relationship where they no longer need friendship and it's just assumed that the friendship is still there? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Now on to school. This is the one area of my life that is actually going very well. I've made the Deans list for the past two semesters which is a huge accomplishment for me, especially compared to high school and first couple years of college. I'm chalking it up to I'm finally doing something I love to do and taking classes I enjoy. Someday I'm hoping that I'll make as big of an impact on my students as my past teachers have. One of them is retiring at the end of the year and there isn't anything in the world that will keep me from attending her retirement party. She was a wonderful woman, full of wisdom and patience which she definitely needed for my class. She's the reason I ended up in education and a teacher I plan to model in my future classroom.

Well folks, that's all I really feel like sharing tonight but I feel like until I get my life figured out and my questions answered I'll be here...writing my feelings and over-sharing on the interwebs like a fourteen year old.

Clearly my lack of posting is probably beneficial for all of you "readers" that I'm almost positive do not exist.

Here's my life in bullet list form, because frankly that's all I have time for. Maybe I'll come back and give a more detailed description someday but for now you're just going to have to settle for my list.

• School
• Work
• Boyfriend
• PINTEREST
• and somewhere in there I eat, sleep, do homework, and on occasion see my dwindling list of friends.

Life is definitely not what I thought it would be, but I don't know if I've ever been more content with the people in my life as I am these days. Contentment is kind of awesome I must say.

blah!

Ok ok ok. Here we go again with random nonsense that's been on my mind. I can tell you've all missed it.

Is it naive to believe in a love that lasts forever? That two people can actually make it through everything life throws their way and stay together until death parts them? I honestly, truly believe that it's possible and I honestly want that for my life. I just feel like it's so rare to find that. Every where you look people think of marriage as a temporary institution. Divorce is so common. I just don't understand. See...divorce and marriage is a sticky topic. I have plenty of friends who's parents are divorced and I'm sure I'll eventually have friends that get divorced. It's not like a judgement thing. People have their reasons for ending their marriages and that's up to them. It's their lives and they are free to do what they wish with them. I guess I'm just a little sad. As much as I want to say I don't want to ever get divorced I can't necessarily say that I'll never be divorced. I can say that I will never file. I'm too stubborn. The day that I actually do decide to marry someone from my side of things, they're stuck with me. I can't say that they'll feel the same way though. I mean they could say "I don't believe in divorce" but who's to say they won't change their mind someday? The thought of that happening to me is just....really really scary. I already don't handle break ups well...and that's just in dating relationships. Imagine what a mess I would be after a marriage failure. Sheesh.

I'm sure I have more to say on the topic...and about love in general really, but alas I'm too tired to really articulate my thoughts. Guess you're just going to be left with a cliff hanger....

Over-sharing with the interwebs, which is exactly what I'm doing.

So sometimes I wonder if sometimes we (meaning I) over-share about my life. I mean for starters, there are very very few people in my personal life that actually know I blog so even if they did take the time to read through my posts, they're actually people I don't mind knowing things so it's all good. I guess I'm just thinking more along the lines of facebook and twitter. Now naturally it's not like I'm saying they're a bad thing because I use both religiously, but it's getting to the point where I'm starting to wonder if I'm just sharing way too much about my life. Like, maybe somethings are just better left unsaid. This whole topic makes me think of a quote from the movie Easy A.

"I don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every thought... but I can assure you, they're not all diamonds. "Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof." Who gives a rat's ass?"

And that little nugget is said by the "cool" teacher of sorts in the movie played by Thomas Haden Church, and for real, I kind of agree. I mean I get the need to have to say something and get it off your chest but I feel like we, myself included, just use facebook and twitter as a force field of sorts. The things that we say on facebook and twitter are usually things that we don't have the balls to say in person or they're passive aggressive pokes and jabs at people that just pissed us off for the day. I don't know. I guess I'm just talking out of my butt here but sometimes I just wonder if I share far too much about my personal life with the interwebs and strangers that I've obviously never met, hence the term strangers. Now with most social networks you obviously have some level of "security" to protect your personal information but it's still possible to get hacked and such. Then there's the whole idea that you're sharing information with your "friends" but let's be real....how many of us are actually really good, super close friends with at least half of our facebook friends? Facebook is just a way to creep on other people's lives and pretend you're still friends when you 'like' their status or photo or whatever else they decide to post. Yeah it's great for networking, but for forming lifelong, actual friendships not so much. That needs to be done, you know...in real life. I guess I'm just trying to decide if I want a time out from facebook or not. To be honest, I don't know if I even had the balls to do it. Guess we'll see.

wahhhhh

So this is just going to be me whining ok? good. Glad we agree that it's ok and since I'm pretty sure not a lot of people read this so I don't plan to be super vague, especially since I can go back and edit it or delete it if I need to. Right now I just need to get this out.

Sooo there's this boy. He's been around for a little while....like 10 months or so. Now this boy is extremely adorable, extremely intelligent, and extremely fun to be around. Sounds like a match made in heaven right? Most days, yes. Lately...not so much. I get that we're two very very different people...for the most part that's why we work well together. That whole balancing each other out thing. But then we have are days when it's like BAM. you're VERY different. Now I'm not even going to try and say that everything is 100% his fault, because it's not. I panic easily. I over-analyze. I have a chronic need to try and fix everything. Those are my flaws. His biggest flaw (in my eyes) is the fact that when it comes to me, he doesn't argue or talk about relationship stuff. So when we're fighting or we disagree about something what would be a small disagreement turns into a fairly big argument that lasts days. It's annoying, really really annoying. Especially since arguing with a significant other is among my LEAST favorite things in the entire world. I know I need to just relax sometimes and realize that I just can't fix everything. Like in my head I know that, in reality I can't make myself do it. In order for me to relax I have to turn my phone off and leave it at home to even try and take my minds off things, but then that leads to a whole different level of anxiety that I won't have my phone on me if someone needs me. I'm crazy. Completely and entirely crazy. The anxiety technology brings sometimes is just too much, but I can't live without it. I just remember the days in jr. high and early high school before I had a cell phone when we used HOME phones. Heaven forbid right? Whenever I wanted to talk to my boyfriend at the time I called his house and we talked or he called my house and we talked. Now I'm old enough to have a cell phone and instead of using that for you know calling people, all we do now is text. Now texting is great, and it sucks. With texting you get zero vocal recognition so something that doesn't sound mean or angry could be read that way depending on the mood of the reader. So of course, when you're a raging crazy like I am at times you can see the mess it can create. Especially when that boy mentioned earlier that doesn't like to talk about relationship stuff also doesn't like to talk on the phone, so everything is through texting. See my dilema? See why I need to whine? See why I'm a raging nut case? Good. Me too.

head -vs- heart pt. 2

relates to the last post huh?