not.myself.

I'm spending a lot of time alone and I'm slowly beginning to feel myself just pull away from people. I spend my life currently living in books, imagining this far off life someone else is living. It's not like reading is a bad thing, it's actually my favorite thing. For some reason though, the more time I spend in books, the more I feel myself drifting away from people. Now I suppose it isn't entirely fair to strictly blame books because let's be honest, busy schedules play a huge role in it as well. I'm finding myself just drifting through this "actual" reality basically counting down the hours until I can return to my fictional worlds with these heroic women that I'll never in a million years be. While it's kind of depressing, it's also kind of amazing. Books are definitely my anti-drug...or I suppose it could probably be phrased that books are my drug but in my mind I'd argue it's a good drug to be hooked on....

On a more random note, I don't understand why people cannot mind their own business, especially when it pertains to who I choose to spend my time with or talk to. I think it needs to be said that just because I speak on a regular basis with someone of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean that my relationship is going to crumble. It's not a reason to go up to someone and tell them to "not talk to girls that are already taken" because that just shows not only a complete disregard for my character but also an extremely childish view on friendships. Boys no longer have cooties. It's socially acceptable for guys and girls to be friends. Especially for someone like me who not only does not get along with girls, but also is in a major dominated by males. All my classmates are boys so yes we spend time studying together or heaven forbid, text each other! I must be a horrible girlfriend because I talk to boys that aren't my boyfriend. Naturally, every guy I come across must be working to destroy my relationship. AAAANNNNNND end rant. Sorry folks, but people that meddle really grind my gears. Especially when they don't know what they're talking about.

Let's Play Catch-up

Well, as we've seen I'm either a terrible blogger or I lead a boring, redundant life. My conclusion is it's a little bit of both but alas, here I am again with a life decision or problem or rant to indulge you all with. The problem is not necessarily one BIG problem, but instead a bunch of little random problems that are scattered throughout my life. From friendships to work, I'm constantly faced with decisions that don't seem that significant but add up to big things. Oh where to begin....

Let's start with work. I'm a server and it's decent money and a pretty easy job. The hardest part though? my co-workers. OH.MY.GOODNESS. Never in my life have I been surrounded by so many irresponsible, gossipy, and childish adults. Day after day I'm forced to deal with not only difficult tables, but even more difficult co-workers. Now they all aren't bad, but it's the few bad apples that ruin the bunch. In my mind I know I should be the bigger person, show God's love, or just be a better person than they are but most days I feel like I just can't do it. I'm no longer the bubbly, happy girl at work anymore. Now I'm the girl that's quiet, sullen, and most shifts, solitary. I'm there to do my job....not make friends which brings me to my next rant....

Friendship. One simple word with a series of complicated definitions. There isn't really one true way to define friendship. For some friendships it's defined by the number of times you spend time with someone. For other's it's being able to pick up right where you left off after not seeing each other for months. It's also something that's the basis of a number of other relationships whether it's a mother-daughter relationship, a sister relationship, or a romantic relationship. What happens when friendship ceases to exist in one of those relationships, particularly a romantic relationship. Have they miraculously surpassed into this upper level boyfriend/girlfriend relationship where they no longer need friendship and it's just assumed that the friendship is still there? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Now on to school. This is the one area of my life that is actually going very well. I've made the Deans list for the past two semesters which is a huge accomplishment for me, especially compared to high school and first couple years of college. I'm chalking it up to I'm finally doing something I love to do and taking classes I enjoy. Someday I'm hoping that I'll make as big of an impact on my students as my past teachers have. One of them is retiring at the end of the year and there isn't anything in the world that will keep me from attending her retirement party. She was a wonderful woman, full of wisdom and patience which she definitely needed for my class. She's the reason I ended up in education and a teacher I plan to model in my future classroom.

Well folks, that's all I really feel like sharing tonight but I feel like until I get my life figured out and my questions answered I'll be here...writing my feelings and over-sharing on the interwebs like a fourteen year old.

Clearly my lack of posting is probably beneficial for all of you "readers" that I'm almost positive do not exist.

Here's my life in bullet list form, because frankly that's all I have time for. Maybe I'll come back and give a more detailed description someday but for now you're just going to have to settle for my list.

• School
• Work
• Boyfriend
• PINTEREST
• and somewhere in there I eat, sleep, do homework, and on occasion see my dwindling list of friends.

Life is definitely not what I thought it would be, but I don't know if I've ever been more content with the people in my life as I am these days. Contentment is kind of awesome I must say.

blah!

Ok ok ok. Here we go again with random nonsense that's been on my mind. I can tell you've all missed it.

Is it naive to believe in a love that lasts forever? That two people can actually make it through everything life throws their way and stay together until death parts them? I honestly, truly believe that it's possible and I honestly want that for my life. I just feel like it's so rare to find that. Every where you look people think of marriage as a temporary institution. Divorce is so common. I just don't understand. See...divorce and marriage is a sticky topic. I have plenty of friends who's parents are divorced and I'm sure I'll eventually have friends that get divorced. It's not like a judgement thing. People have their reasons for ending their marriages and that's up to them. It's their lives and they are free to do what they wish with them. I guess I'm just a little sad. As much as I want to say I don't want to ever get divorced I can't necessarily say that I'll never be divorced. I can say that I will never file. I'm too stubborn. The day that I actually do decide to marry someone from my side of things, they're stuck with me. I can't say that they'll feel the same way though. I mean they could say "I don't believe in divorce" but who's to say they won't change their mind someday? The thought of that happening to me is just....really really scary. I already don't handle break ups well...and that's just in dating relationships. Imagine what a mess I would be after a marriage failure. Sheesh.

I'm sure I have more to say on the topic...and about love in general really, but alas I'm too tired to really articulate my thoughts. Guess you're just going to be left with a cliff hanger....

Over-sharing with the interwebs, which is exactly what I'm doing.

So sometimes I wonder if sometimes we (meaning I) over-share about my life. I mean for starters, there are very very few people in my personal life that actually know I blog so even if they did take the time to read through my posts, they're actually people I don't mind knowing things so it's all good. I guess I'm just thinking more along the lines of facebook and twitter. Now naturally it's not like I'm saying they're a bad thing because I use both religiously, but it's getting to the point where I'm starting to wonder if I'm just sharing way too much about my life. Like, maybe somethings are just better left unsaid. This whole topic makes me think of a quote from the movie Easy A.

"I don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every thought... but I can assure you, they're not all diamonds. "Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof." Who gives a rat's ass?"

And that little nugget is said by the "cool" teacher of sorts in the movie played by Thomas Haden Church, and for real, I kind of agree. I mean I get the need to have to say something and get it off your chest but I feel like we, myself included, just use facebook and twitter as a force field of sorts. The things that we say on facebook and twitter are usually things that we don't have the balls to say in person or they're passive aggressive pokes and jabs at people that just pissed us off for the day. I don't know. I guess I'm just talking out of my butt here but sometimes I just wonder if I share far too much about my personal life with the interwebs and strangers that I've obviously never met, hence the term strangers. Now with most social networks you obviously have some level of "security" to protect your personal information but it's still possible to get hacked and such. Then there's the whole idea that you're sharing information with your "friends" but let's be real....how many of us are actually really good, super close friends with at least half of our facebook friends? Facebook is just a way to creep on other people's lives and pretend you're still friends when you 'like' their status or photo or whatever else they decide to post. Yeah it's great for networking, but for forming lifelong, actual friendships not so much. That needs to be done, you know...in real life. I guess I'm just trying to decide if I want a time out from facebook or not. To be honest, I don't know if I even had the balls to do it. Guess we'll see.

wahhhhh

So this is just going to be me whining ok? good. Glad we agree that it's ok and since I'm pretty sure not a lot of people read this so I don't plan to be super vague, especially since I can go back and edit it or delete it if I need to. Right now I just need to get this out.

Sooo there's this boy. He's been around for a little while....like 10 months or so. Now this boy is extremely adorable, extremely intelligent, and extremely fun to be around. Sounds like a match made in heaven right? Most days, yes. Lately...not so much. I get that we're two very very different people...for the most part that's why we work well together. That whole balancing each other out thing. But then we have are days when it's like BAM. you're VERY different. Now I'm not even going to try and say that everything is 100% his fault, because it's not. I panic easily. I over-analyze. I have a chronic need to try and fix everything. Those are my flaws. His biggest flaw (in my eyes) is the fact that when it comes to me, he doesn't argue or talk about relationship stuff. So when we're fighting or we disagree about something what would be a small disagreement turns into a fairly big argument that lasts days. It's annoying, really really annoying. Especially since arguing with a significant other is among my LEAST favorite things in the entire world. I know I need to just relax sometimes and realize that I just can't fix everything. Like in my head I know that, in reality I can't make myself do it. In order for me to relax I have to turn my phone off and leave it at home to even try and take my minds off things, but then that leads to a whole different level of anxiety that I won't have my phone on me if someone needs me. I'm crazy. Completely and entirely crazy. The anxiety technology brings sometimes is just too much, but I can't live without it. I just remember the days in jr. high and early high school before I had a cell phone when we used HOME phones. Heaven forbid right? Whenever I wanted to talk to my boyfriend at the time I called his house and we talked or he called my house and we talked. Now I'm old enough to have a cell phone and instead of using that for you know calling people, all we do now is text. Now texting is great, and it sucks. With texting you get zero vocal recognition so something that doesn't sound mean or angry could be read that way depending on the mood of the reader. So of course, when you're a raging crazy like I am at times you can see the mess it can create. Especially when that boy mentioned earlier that doesn't like to talk about relationship stuff also doesn't like to talk on the phone, so everything is through texting. See my dilema? See why I need to whine? See why I'm a raging nut case? Good. Me too.

head -vs- heart pt. 2

relates to the last post huh?

head -vs- heart

I think that may be the biggest fight of life. What should you listen to when it really comes down to it....your head? or your heart? Surely there must be a middle ground between the two but I'm pretty sure that would be your nose or your mouth so it would just end up with me smelling and eating everything so that's no good. But seriously, when it comes down to the hard things it's difficult to know which way to go. Countless songs and quotes tell you to listen to your heart, be true to your heart, follow your heart...etc. Then there's other songs and quotes to the opposite affect. Use your head, think things through...etc. Maybe you're just supposed to do both, depending on the situation and which one is applicable. You would think that at 22 years old I would have this stuff figured out. If only life got easier with time, instead it just gets harder, more complicated, and more frustrating.

bugs on the windshield

I feel like I focus way too much on little things and I don't look at the big picture. This ranges from school things, work things, and my relationships. I try to see things big picture, and when I'm giving advice to people I can see their problems big picture. It's just when it comes to my own that I just get stuck on one thing. On an itty bitty, teeny tiny, unimportant thing. I think I should point out I'm not really speaking in specifics. Nothing has really happened lately so I guess I'm just vaguebooking. It's like when you're driving down the highway and a mosquito hits your windshield and that's all you can focus on. That little speck of guts in the middle of your windshield is all you see. Not the open clear happy spaces that are squeaky clean. Not the open road in front of you...just the small smear on the windshield. It's definitely something that's been on my mind lately...and probably something I should..you know, work on.

Am I The Only One?

Am I the only one that just goes insane when she's around people too much? I don't know what's happened. It used to be the total opposite. I thrived on being around people. They gave me energy, happiness, confidence...now I spend too much time with people and I'm running the opposite direction. I've finally reached a limit. The past week and a half I've spent almost all my time with groups of people and it's left me drained and exhausted. Yeah, I love all the people I was with and we had tons of fun together but I just feel like I'd reached a breaking point. That realization came last night when I was just a grouch while I was around people. It was totally unfair for me to act the way I was acting and I ended up apologizing for my childish whining and actions the night before so we'll see if forgiveness is in my future...however, seeing as I apologized early this morning and I have yet to hear back I'm assuming I'm in more trouble than I previously assumed. Oh goodie.

I just needed a day, and I took that day today. I did my own thing, relaxed, and just did me. I got some exercise in, some presents finished, cards made, and musicals listened to. Overall, it was just a good day to recharge. Now it's off for a 4 straight days of working, dealing with people, bad attitudes, and bad tips. I'm going to try and remember how great today was in order to make it through. Guess we'll see how far I'll make it.

Well since my last post you'll see that Chelsea's wedding has come and gone. She looked absolutely radiant. I'm lucky to call such a kind, smart, and beautiful woman my best friend. I look back to that day and I try and think about what she must have been feeling. She seemed completely confidant, calm, cool, and collective. She was so excited to walk down the aisle to Chris, his unconditional love, and their future. What that must've felt like, man...I'm telling you, part of me can't wait to get married. There is another part of me that's terrified. Not because I don't want the happily ever after, but because I've been scarred. I know I talk about it a lot and that I should really just shut up and move on. Trust me...this I know. It's that fear of being that vulnerable with someone again just kind of over takes me sometimes. Things will be going great, absolutely, positively wonderful.....then BAM! Smacks me over the head like a 2 by 4. Love. To know that I feel it is a great thing, but to know that someone else might not, that vulnerability, the possibility of rejection. All those things just make my stomach turn. To know that one person holds that key to a part of happiness and to not know how it happened, or how you've gotten to that point again, it's just mind boggling....

Seriously though. How did I get here again? How did this happen! He some how snuck under my radar and climbed my wall and now here we are. On the cusps of love...at least from my perspective. I haven't the slightest clue where he stands in all this. Clearly we haven't dropped the "love" bomb yet. We're coming up on 9 months together and I'm glad that we haven't rushed anything. We're just bidding our time, enjoying what we have while we have it. I don't know what's happened or how I got to this point. I mean, I've had sneaking suspicions and hints of love for a few months now, and like I said earlier it's kind of just been a 2 by 4 kind of moment...and here I am. Over-joyed mixed with terrified. Over-joyed because I didn't know if I would ever feel the same way I felt before and terrified because I'm potentially setting myself up for serious, painful, and awful heartbreak. I guess it comes with the territory now....

Mmmkay, tangent....well sort of. This has been a kind of weird week for me. Like obviously there's been the whole 2 by 4 realization as noted above, and then there has been some fierce missing of my friends back in Indiana. Now there's the story, and judge me as you will. One of those friends was supposed to come stay with me Wednesday night then we would hang out Thrusday. Well, when I brought it up with the boy he was less than thrilled, understandably so. It wasn't that I couldn't hang out with my friend, it was the slumber part aspect of it so instead of asking my friend to get a hotel that I knew he couldn't afford I was straight up with him and told him what had happened and that I'd have to cancel on him because he wasn't comfortable with it and he said he understood and that we were peachy....except for the fact he's treated me essentially like crap for the rest of the week. So I don't want to be fighting with one of my best friends, so I confront him about it and again he says everything's fine...we're all good...then again, more crap. I just don't know how process it. Like I shouldn't "give up" on my friends just because I have a boyfriend, but why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't I just have both? Maybe I'm the one that's forcing myself to choose. Neither one of these boys has said it's-me-or-him...but I feel like I'm being pulled back and forth. I've got to stop putting all this pressure on myself...que serra right? Whatever will be will be. But maybe, just maybe I don't need the whole world to love me, just that one person.

9 days.

9 Days. That's all we have left before my best friend walks down the aisle to her future. I'm so excited for her and I can't wait to see what's in store! It's crunch time now though. I went with her to the final dress fitting today and learned how to bustle! So exciting right? Oh the duties of a maid of honor. My speech is coming along, slowly but surely. I figure I'll keep it short and sweet, maybe add in a little anecdote about Chris' first kiss...you know the exciting stuff that weddings are made of....needless to say, 9 days. I have to get my butt in gear!

So this week I had the wonderful opportunity to see the one and only Michael Buble in concert! This was my second time seeing him and he is just so incredible! By far he is one of the best performers I've ever seen. Anytime he is close enough for me to see his show, I will. AND did I mention I got to touch him! AHHHH so fantastic. He's amazing and I love him.

Leaving and Freedom.

I get like this every few months or so. I just get to the point where I want to leave and run away. Whether it's run away from my problems or from people, I just want to get out of Ohio and run. Just go somewhere new, start fresh and get an actual do-over. It all sounds so dramatic and I don't really mean for it to be, sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with my surroundings and I just have to get out. The annoying thing is though, all it is is talk....no actions. I can never follow through with it. For a while last year I was dead set on leaving America for a year. Just taking off on a plane and finding a nanny job in England, yet here I sit....in my bed....in Ohio. All it is, is talk. All the time I spend thinking about leaving and planning out what I would actually be doing if I could get the balls to follow through with it is just...kind of wasted....

They make the whole thing sound so easy in songs. Maybe that's why I think about it all the time....it's that damn country music I love so much. Dierks Bentley made a living off of songs about drifting, leaving, and running...It sounds so beautiful. I mean don't get me wrong, it sounds lonely as hell sometimes but the idea of freedom and only worrying about yourself sounds so freeing and just beautiful. Drifting from town to town, just meeting new people, making new friends and just starting over with every move.

It's possible that I do this entirely to myself. That I just take everyone else's cares and woes upon myself until I just get so weighted and rundown that I just want to drop everything and run away. Luckily for me I'm fairly irresponsible with money so I never have the money to just literally drop everything and up and move to a different city, state, or heaven forbid, country. Sometimes I just wish I could start over. Not have to live up to every one else's standards for myself...not have to paste a smile on my face and pretend that I'm not totally broken on the inside. The idea of not having to think about everyone else's feelings and how every decision I make will be judged and picked apart just sounds so amazing, so free. Maybe it's the freedom of drifting that I long for so much. The freedom to come and go as I please, to just have the space I need to be the REAL me. Not the candy-coated version I have to show people. Sometimes I really think I'm fooling people. I trick them into thinking that I'm this happy-go-lucky girl that can take on anything, when in reality the littlest things can take me down and destroy me. I don't mean to sound so emo, things just get a little tricky to navigate sometimes....

I think I just need to accept that for the most part, my decisions will never be good enough for certain people. I'm always going to be the screw up. I'm always going to be the one that drops the ball and let's the "good guy" or the "good job" or the "perfect opportunity" get away. Procrastination, imperfection, and laziness will forever plague me and as much as I want to change and as much as I've already changed in comparison to past years, it's still not enough. I guess it just sucks when you're told your choices are foolish and every adjective used to describe your choices are used to describe you as well....foolish, irresponsible, childish, stupid, dumb....I think you get the idea. It does wonders for your outlook let me tell you.

My conclusion : I'm never going to be good enough for certain people, hence the appeal for drifting and leaving. I'll be gone without a trace. The critics won't know where I am and the only ones that matter will get enough letters and phone calls to know I'm alive and safe. Maybe I just have a little patch of a gypsy soul in me, maybe I'm a little sensitive and a little bit of a quitter. Call it what you will but the idea of just drifting through sounds too beautiful to pass up sometimes...but at this point in time, for the sake of my bank account...I have to.

I'm a Rambling Lass

Alright...let's try and write this out.

These past few days have been confusing and my mind is running a million miles a minute, prepare for many ramblings.

It makes me think of John Green and An Abundance of Katherines. The only thing my mind can seem to process right now is the Dumper/Dumpee paradox. Is one always one or the other? Or is it possible to be both. I've always been the dumpee, never the dumper. It may just be because I get too attached. Maybe I'm just naive enough to think they'll grow up or change. Maybe it's because I'm so freaking stubborn that I think that it's just a phase and if we power through we'll come out on the other side closer and stronger. I just don't understand somethings anymore but I'm not about to air out all my dirty laundry at the risk of who could potentially be reading.

Why is money so important? I get it purpose really, but I guess I don't understand the stress of it all. I mean trust me, money is one of the biggest things I stress about. It's ridiculous and it's stressful and it sucks. So annoying and so frustrating.

Frost/Nixon : fantastic movie. love it. love the history of it all. I wish I would have been alive during the time. Nixon was clearly disturbed and paranoid and all around kind of a loon, and to see a British reporter come in and basically take him down and get that explanation that the American people wanted. Amazingly epic. It kind of gives me a nerdgasm.

and finally.

DISC GOLF. I suck, so so so terribly bad. I made boyfriend and I lose. Not very good.

6 month's come and gone....

Almost 6 months later, and here I am again! I could bore you all with the lame details but how about a general overview?

Well what have I been up to you ask? SCHOOL. SCHOOL. and you guessed it! MORE SCHOOL. I sound like I'm whining and while yes, part of me is just because it's finals week, I have LOVED school. The weekly routine was definitely missed. I love that each week everything was planned but my schedule was still free enough to where I didn't feel like my brains would explode every day. I've also decided that I might have the easiest major in the world. That could also have something to do with the fact that I am a gigantic nerd and absolutely love history. Most people don't understand why I love it so much. When I tell them my major they just look at me like I'm crazy but that's ok...we've all got our thing, history's just mine. Sad to say, however, school is quickly drawing to an end. Finals week is upon us and I'm one final down....one more to go until I'm done with another year of school. That means I'll have plenty of time for the other thing that's kept me away from you blogger.....

WORK. While I understand that I'm very lucky to have a job right now, I sometimes wonder why I'm there. Why do I choose to wait tables five days a week? In what world did I think it would be smart to be in another customer service job? In reality I'm a college student...pretty much any job for me right now is going to be a customer service job. I've done it before and I can do it again. And here comes my rant....someone please explain to me why it's ok for people to be rude. Honestly, I get that you're hungry but if you see that I'm running around doing things for my 4 other tables don't snap your fingers at me, mean mug me, then roll your eyes at me when I explain why you don't have the tortillas you didn't ask for. I am not a mind reader. I am your server. If you tell me what you need I'll get it for you. Don't expect me to just automatically know you loons.

and finally the last thing that's kept me away...BOYFRIEND.

Oh boyfriend...where to begin. He's fantastic, insane, silly, sweet, and just so precious. I'm a lucky little lady. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like our relationship is all unicorns and rainbows, we have our moments and sometimes our moments are pretty intense. It all comes full circle though and clearly works out for the better. Sometimes the easiest way for me to describe relationships is through words that are not my own...like this for example...

"...bottom line, couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship everytime, if it's right and they're really lucky, one of them will say something..."

That little nugget was taken from an episode of scrubs and it's entirely true. If you're right for each other the crap won't take you down. Someone will fight for that relationship. It's encouraging to think about really. I love the quote. LOVE it.

Well there you go. You're caught up on my life. You're welcome. I'm sure you've been sitting on the edge of you seat waiting for a post. I probably just made your day. again...you're welcome.

Just remember....I wrote it for you.

It's shocking really how completely different my life has turned out....I had the opportunity to hang out with old friends from high school tonight and it was so great to see them. I love them...I've missed them but wow...I feel like sometimes I'm on a completely different life path then they are. Our night was spent catching up with little tid bits here and there about school, life, and most importantly love. Most of our conversation was taken up by the topic of marriage. MARRIAGE. Am I really that old? It seems crazy to think that in like 2 years most of my friends will be married. I'm old....ancient really. I don't even know if I'm there yet mentally....if I'll even let myself fall that far for a while. I sit here and think though...not that long ago that was my plan. I was there. I was ready then it all came crashing down. Now don't get me wrong....God taught me a lot of important lessons and I'm sure in all of these feelings of confusion and craziness His plan will shine through. It just seems so strange to me....to be in your early 20's and married. My sister did it, my best friend is doing it....I'm not saying it's not possible it's just strange to me. Maybe because of my experience I've become jaded to the whole idea of being married young, of living the whole fairy tale dream of love at first sight. Tonight as we were talking I found myself trying to talk my friends out of it...of being married so young. I told them I'll support them no matter what decision they make but geez oh peas....they're so young. We're so young....I feel like we have so much living still to do. Maybe it's selfish that I don't want to share that with anyone...that I don't want to be tied down and that I just want to live. I don't know. I'm in an entirely different world than they are these days. I remember how it was at IWU. In the process of getting your real degree, you get your MRS. degree. I get it...I was there. It's amazing how one love can just leave you jaded. It's not that I'm not over him because that's long over and long gone....but it's hard to think that had things worked out the way I planned I would married right now. This very second. Instead I'm not in school, waiting tables, and living at home. While my boyfriend's great and I don't really regret how things worked out, I can't help but feel like I've missed out. All my friends are getting married, talking engagement rings, moving on to the next chapter in life and I'm just stuck. My life is stuck in the college chapter for the moment. I want to move on too! I want to get to the next chapter in life but I guess I should finish writing the current chapter so my life...you know...makes sense. When you skip pages in a story nothing makes sense. I feel like skipping through real life would be way worse. I guess I'll just keep trudging through and keep writing my story. Just remember...I wrote it for you.

'tis the season....

Well ladies and gents, it's that time of year again! Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Happy Hanukkah...etc. The holidays mean so many things...the optimistic see the family togetherness, the giving, the great food, and the magic of the holidays. The pessimistic see the consumerism, the long lines, the short fuses, and of course the unbearable parking. I'm not going to lie...the longer I work in customer service based places, the more pessimistic I become. Don't get me wrong, I love the family togetherness, the baking, the giving....it just seems to be overcast by the grumpy costumers, the poor tippers, the miserable parking and almost getting run over walking in to work by insane mall shoppers. Oh well I guess all I can say is, 'tis the season.

On a side note, I feel like I should find a new job. The one I currently have seems to be sucking the life out of me. Yeah tips are great...walking out every night I work with cash is wonderful, but sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for the food business. For starters I can barely spell restaurant. The only reason it was just spelled currently was because of spell check. Secondly, I feel like I'm just too nice. I used to be so nice, so happy. Then I started working there and slowly but surely, I've lost that happiness. So many people just complain about stupid things. Oh there's no ice tea? So let's stand here for 5 minutes and yell to see who's job it is to make the ice tea instead of you know....making it. Let's just use our brains for a second. Who really cares who's job it is....be a team player. Help out your co-worker and help yourself in the process. Don't just stand there and complain about it. Geez. I just feel like this place is making me lose parts of myself. I'm fading so fast and it's hard to just get my sanity back. I have a week off thank you Jesus to kind of just be a real person again. To just be happy. That's all I want in life really, to be happy. I leave in the morning for Indiana to go see my best friends. I just want to breath and feel happy again. Sometimes I feel like Indiana is the only place I can do that. Man, I love the country.

it's just been that week.

Ever had one of those weeks that progressively gets worse and worse as the week goes on to the point of tears? Yeah...me too.

It's ultimately my fault. A classic case of stretching myself way too thin. I haven't gotten much sleep, I've fought with the boyfriend, worked too much and made no money, and not to mention actually cried. Me....crying. It never happens so that just tells you how great it's been. I suppose there's no use dwelling on the misery that happened. I should probably just let it go and hope that this next week turns out much better. Hopefully a week with more sleep, less stress, less fighting and ZERO crying. That's my wish for this next week. A less stressful, easier to manage week.

With Thanksgiving over, I suppose it's finally time to start focusing on the next holiday. CHRISTMAS. Oh the thoughts of consumerism and holiday shopping thrill me....not. People get way too intense over Christmas gifts. Giving gifts is great....it really is. I LOVE buying gifts for my friends, but at the same time actually going out to the mall or target or walmart just gets way too crazy for me. I mean holiday shopping kicks off on Black Friday. The day of "super savings" long lines and crabby shoppers and workers. I'm glad to say I didn't participate in Black Friday shopping this year. I just don't feel like it was worth the stress to me. Large groups of crazy coupon clippers fighting over the last of the 14 inch HD tv that's going to break in a year just don't appeal to me. It actually tends to give me a little bit of anxiety. When I was younger I lived for Black Friday shopping. It was tradition. Now I just can't do it. Maybe it's because I've been on the working end of the Black Friday spectrum in both retail and now the restaurant industry. From a retail stand point you have the needy customers that take out their aggression on you because you can some how control not having their size in a $50 sweater at a completely different store in the mall. From the restaurant stand point you have the people that spent far too much money on the massive Black Friday bargains and don't tip anything. Whatever way you spin it, it's lame and I'm kind of over it. I'm over you Black Friday. You just aren't worth my time.

By now I'm sure you've realized that my thoughts never seem to coherently flow together. It's kind of just random paragraphs put together in one post. Believe it or not ladies and gentleman, that's actually how my brain works. Jumping from one pointless topic to the next. It's great to be me sometimes....

So let's talk about jealousy for a second. Could someone please explain to me the point of it? I mean ok...everyone wants a little jealousy in a relationship, whether they will admit it or not. Everyone wants to know that the person they're with know's they're lucky to have that other person. It's just that over load of possessive, jealous rage that is so not cool. When that person tells you who you can and can't talk to....not ok sir. Especially when it's a double standard. It's those dang double standards....every relationship has them and they suck. If it's ok for you to tell me who I can talk to then it's ok for me to tell you who you can talk to or who you can hang out with right? Yeah that's what I thought. Needless to say, this may have caused a huge fight between my boyfriend and I. It hasn't really been resolved yet. Don't really know when it's going to be but I suppose until it is I'm just not going to talk to anyone. Kind of just slip in to hiding and ignore the world. Sometimes I wish I were financially able to just do that. To just call off a couple days of work and fly somewhere to see some friends or just escape to a city where I don't know anyone and just explore. Sometimes I just wish I could take a little me time. Maybe that's me wanting to run away from my problems instead of just facing them like an adult. Say what you will, I don't care. The thought of just leaving for a few days to clear my head just sounds like a wonderful idea. Too bad I'm working another 35 hours this week and have a broken car and zero money to call my own. If only money really did grow on trees....maybe I'll work to invent that. A money tree. Then I'll be rich forever.

I feel like these days I'm a quote machine. I'm finding them in the weirdest ways....youtube videos, fiction novels, movies, ridiculous friends. The unfortunate thing about it though is I hear all these great quotes but like a genius, I forget to write them down.

You know its really shocking...I have all this free time yet I still manage to accomplish.....nothing. One the upside I have been accepted to school and I've successfully send them my FAFSA but I have yet to register for classes which I'm pretty sure is the whole point of school. I just would love to fast forward all the boring stuff and have it actually done. That was the great thing about IWU. They literally had everything mapped out for you. There was a list of every class you needed to take and what semester to take them. There was really no thinking involved, kind of awesome...but it kind of screwed me in the whole having to do things for myself aspect. Guess I'm going to have to learn then.

On a side note it's basically Christmas and I've already bought my boyfriend his present and it's AWESOME. So awesome. I mean really I went above and beyond what I probably should have done seeing as we've only been together for like 3 months and 2 of those months we weren't even dating, but I truly wanted him to have what I got him. For being a huge football fan he's NEVER been to a professional game so I'm taking him to the Browns Steelers game! They're 4th row seats....amazing. So excited and I hope he opts to take me. I mean, if he wants to take his best friend I won't be super offended....anyone else though I'll be pissed. He's a pretty awesome guy though so I wanted to get him something great and I feel like I did. He goes with me to Harry Potter at midnight, I reward him with amazing football tickets :)

Oh My Boys....

Mmmmm. looooove Michael Buble. Seriously, if I could I would marry him. That smooth voice, his charming smile and oh how beautiful he looks in suits. Michael Buble, I love you. Give up that inevitably beautiful model you're with and take a chance on a quirky half-asian from Toledo....

Ok ok....enough with the fantasizing. Back to reality. Reality lately seems to include lots of missing the life I once had. I wish I could be back in Indiana sometimes. Those boys are seriously so special to me. I tend to play favorites sometimes but in all reality, Brock, Russ, and Ryne you're all on an equal playing field. Brock, you were the friend when I needed one the most. Right after the break up you took me in to your inner circle. You say it's only because you wanted an Asian friend but I truly think you enjoy my company no matter how much you want to deny it and as much as I'd like to deny it....even though on most occasions you make me crazy, I'm glad we're friends. Russell Cade. My second favorite....you by far give the best hugs. You know how to make a lady feel special and while for a split second I could call you "mine" in the end you deserve a special lady. Someone much more special than me and you know that. You and your constant witty comments and movie chatter always keeps me entertained and when I really need it, you listen to my incessant whining and pouting. I'm sure you claim it's because you have no choice but deep deep deep down I know you care. I know I know, you're a robot....or Spock, but I know you have feelings somewhere in there. And Ryne Ryne Ryne. My eternal favorite. My emo little friend. How I enjoy your company. I never run out of things to talk about with you. You know every detail of every romantic relationship I ever had and at the end of each one you remind me that I need to stop dating douches. Only time will tell if I've broken that habit with this one....so far all signs point to maybe. You make me laugh with your deeply seeded sarcasm and your stories of dunhams or the latest moron you've encountered. Basically you're awesome or even better, you ARE batman. I guess the moral of the story is I miss you boys. The whole three hours away thing sucks pretty bad. I could use some Indiana hugging these days. And some bonfires. And oh my Lord a Wildcat crispy chicken with BBQ sauce. That may be the only thing I miss more than you three. Looks like a road trip is in order....if not for you boys then DEFINITELY for the crispy chicken. I think I should make that happen.