Dolorian anyone??

Well I'm still waiting on that time machine.

I don't know what I want these days. Somedays I consider saying screw people all together, but then I remember...oh yeah I'd be depressed...and I'm talking majorly depressed. Then again...no people means no disappointment other than yourself. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the exchange. I'm re-reading through some old books...some Dee Hendersons and one of my old Bible study books. Papa Bear would be so proud. Especially seeing as its one of those topics I sturggle with the most. I'm excited though...I'm hoping my mentality about the subject will be altered drastically. I could use some drastic changes...problem is I'm not good at making them. I never have been. Going away to school was a streeeetttttcccchhhh. Part of me thinks I made a mistake in doing so. Oh well, you learn from your mistakes. Some lessons take a lot of repitition to finally show me that SURPRISE! it's a mistake and its NOT making anything better. Now I love that I always say this but I still do stupid things. Yeah something's gotta give...I'm just not sure at the moment what that is. I guess I only have to be in the situation a few more months...then it will become a lot harder to make the same mistakes...ooh life. full of disappointments and heart break. hip hip hooray.

decisions, decisions...

Ever wish that time travel was real? Maybe not actually go back in time...but have a video record of what could have happened based on decisions you've made. You could see the outcome of what could have actually happened. I have to say I wish I did. I know the days I'd go back to. The wrong decisions that were made, but I wonder even if I made the other decision would it have turned out any better? I'm not going to lie, I really regret some of the decisions I've made in the past couple years. I've screwed up quite a few times. Yes, I've made quite a few mistakes. Now I'm not sure what to do...put the walls back up? Take some time to recover and piece my life back together? Not sure I like that option...it involves pushing people away...taking time to myself...and letting in the few people that have never let me down...

Disappointment is such a funny thing. You always think you know how you're going to handle it...that is until it happens and you're just like wow...this hurts a lot more than I thought it would...You know it sucks when you don't know what to do. I've been at this place countless times...and I'm starting to get tired of it. Trying to find the solution to the issue...not gonna be easy...I wish I wasn't such a disappointment to you God. I don't know how it is that you could possible still love me. I don't deserve it. I've made the same mistakes over and over and over again...thank you for still being here for me. Help me learn my lesson for good this time God. I want to be a better Christian for you...

Do you like to ramble?

...apparently I sure do.

So I'm pretty sure I've just become a lunatic. Straight up crazy. My emotions are a swing pendulum. One second I'm happy as can be, the next I'm freaking out because someone drank my water. Isn't it lovely? NO.

I'm so frusterated right now. I'm frusterated with myself for being so stupid. It's so easy to get caught up in yourself...atleast it is for me. What I want, what I think should happen...I think you get the picture. What happens when it turns out...its not about what YOU think. Oh! I know this one!! You get humbled, real fast. It's not fun...it's not pretty...and for the stubborn, insecure, and slightly neurotic person like I am, it takes a while. No matter how many times I say, ok I'm going to do it this time. I'm really going to listen to God and what He wants for me, somehow it always turns into what I want. I'm so frusterated with it and with myself. How did I get this way? I don't remember always being like this? Or maybe I've always been this way and just never cared enough to try and change. Well these days its getting to the point where I have to make life altering decisions. Decisions that not only affect my life, but could potentially hurt someone I care about. Life is frusterating. I realize everything happens for a reason. I know this. I just don't know how to handle it. I'm not used to this. God, I'm miserable. I've done a horrible job trying to piece my life together. You are the one that has control God. Take my life and use it for your glory and honor and as painful as it is, continue to humble me God. My pride and selfishness keep getting in the way. Humble me God...

How Deep...

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I knoww that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

One of my favorite hymns. I love it. It reminds me of how undeserving I really am. Especially with the way things have been going for me recently; the stupid and selfish choices, I'm glad to know loving my Father is. I don't deserve it.

Change...

Why is it that one little word is so hard to do? As humans I feel like we get stuck into our own mindsets, ruts, or habits and its nearly impossible to break through it on your own. I've got my own bad habits to break and I got into a conversation with one of my best friends about them tonight. I have to say I don't like talking about them. I feel like an idiot and incredibly stupid for even admitting to them. Even though I know that its...well stupid I still let it bother me. For some reason, other people's opinions are important to me...its juvenile I realize, but it's true. So after this conversation, I basically feel like crap. I decided to come back to my room and take a peak in my devotional book at the one I was supposed to do last night. The passage was based out of Matthew 6 and it talked about worry; about worrying what you'll eat, wear...etc. Jesus doesn't want competition and he's number one above all else. When you start placing material possessions ahead of him, you're making him less of a priority. So as I'm reading this I'm like ok I don't really see how this applies to my current situation and then I had to choke back the words I hate saying...Nate's right. As much as I hate to tell him that, he kind of is. Who really cares what other people think, their opinions don't matter. Is what they think true? No, well there you go...etc. (He said many more things...all along the same line) As annoying as it is, and I don't want to admit it but he's kind of right. God's opinion is the only one that matters...Now here I am, trying to figure out what to do. Just because I know God's opinion is the only one that matters it doesn't make it any easier to forget about everyone else. Old habits die hard....which brings me back to why is change so hard? I guess all I can do is take little baby steps. It kind of reminds me of a clip in A Bug's Life. Stick with me here...cause it may be a little bit of a stretch. In the begining of the movie you see all the little ants stuck in their daily routines collecting their food for the grasshoppers when the leaf floats down and cuts off the ant from the rest of the line. He results in panic. "I'M LOST" While he's panicing, the older ant comes and tells him to focus on him. "Don't look away from my eyes...don't look away" and while he's concentrating on the older ant he's taking little baby steps around the leaf and finds the line again. Now like I said, it's a little bit of a stretch, but I feel like that's what happens with change for me. I'll be in my routine, doing what I do every day, following what everyone else does and living life how I want to then a leaf falls and I'm utterly lost. I don't know what to do and I'm just standing there with shaky knees. That's when God comes to my rescue. Don't look away from Him and the little baby steps you're taking turn into a different path back to life. Now in the movie the ant in the end looks away and does his own thing again and thats typically what I do...but what happens when another leaf falls? I'm back inthe same position. I think by never taking your eyes off God, each baby step of change will turn into a new habit, but instead of being bad, it'll be good. I guess I just rambled a little bit...but that's basically what's been on my mind as of late.

Right Here, Right Now

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when they come up." - Matthew 6:34 [The Message]

So I apparently have anxiety issues. Last night I couldn't sleep because I was just freaking out. I had read this passage over and over in the NIV version, but I was too lazy to pull out the NIV last night so I grabbed the Message and I really like how that last verse was phrased. Currently I'm going through a lot of changes and not really getting what I neccesarily want and because I have control issues that I'm currently trying to work on...I just worry. I worry that what happens when the time comes and what I want doesn't happen. How will I deal? How will I make it through? Then I read this and felt so stupid and self-centered. God will be there. He'll hold my hand through it all. Plus who's to say that it won't happen? I'm just a worry-wart. The first part kind of grabbed my attention though, it kind of goes along with that song I was talking about. My entire attention to what God is doing right now. Right now is where I'm supposed to be focusing. Getting back on the right path with God. Following his will for my life. Listening to him. That's what I'm supposed to be doing. Not worrying about the future. Right now. This moment is the only thing that matters.

While I'm Waiting

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waitingI will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord
-John Waller, While I'm Waiting

So yesterday, I went and saw Fireproofed with some friends at school. It was in the Globe Theatre, it was free I figured eh...why not. I was not expecting much out of it...but I actually liked it. Don't get me wrong, the acting was well...mediocre but the concepts presented were so good. In one of the scenes I heard this song and I completely feel in love with it. I then went to look up the lyrics and the place I found them gave a little bit of a snippet of when he wrote this song. At the time he was hurting and one of his friends told him to write down how he was feeling. He told a little bit more of the story and he ended with a little reminder. He said to not just wait on God, but to actively wait. We should serve, worship and be faithful with what you have and where you are in life. After I read that I kind of just stopped and thought a few minutes about it...it kind of goes along with my issues with contentment. I'm always looking to add something to my life to make it that much better. I just thought it was a challenging thought.