yes. i am A.D.D.

So I'm doing something I very rarely do. The smell of ground coffee beans are floating in the air and Mr. Michael Buble is serenading me in his rich and beautiful voice. I'm in the company of an entertaining gentleman. Life is good and I am blessed.

Today has just been an all around great day. The weather was great and my friends are awesome. It's days like today that truly remind me what a lucky girl I am. Despite all the horrible things I've been through. The pain and sorrow that have filled my life for months at a time. I am still so blessed.

Is it bad to love the way that God made me? Yes I am a little A.D.D. Yes I am Asian. Yes I have so many quirks and issues but I love the way that God made me. There is no one else in the world quite like me and I LOVE it :)

or never die...

There's the old adage, old habits die hard. Well I think there needs to be an extended version of that. Old habits die hard...or they just plain NEVER DIE. Not exactly an optimistic though I know but it seems like every old habit I have just won't die. I've tried everything and for a while it works. For a while things are under control then something sneaks past my defenses and BAM! I'm a mess once again. I don't understand why things just need to be so difficult.

As a female is it okay to just write something off because you're a female and that's just what you're "supposed" to do? For example, someone just up and stops talking to you when they've talked to you for a regular basis everyday for a good portion of the day. It's completely normal for girls to over analyze the situation, freak out, and then become a crazy mess. I have to say I'm ashamed that this happened to me. I don't like that I freaked out. I don't like that I reacted the way that every other girl would. I'm not every other girl. I don't want to be every other girl.

God, you've been patient with me through all my screw ups. I ask that you'll be patient with me through this one too. You know what's going to happen in my life and I shouldn't worry about it. Ultimately, you are in control of every situation and you love me and will take care of me. I pray that I'll ALWAYS remember that!

Don't you just love when you just feel yourself become whinier and whinier and you JUST CAN'T STOP. yeah. me too...

I don't want to whine. I want the word vomit to stop. This whole week I've done nothing but really whine about how tired and I am or how things aren't going the way I want them too. ME ME ME ME ME. That has been my entire week. I don't like when I start acting self-centered and selfish...that's not the person I should be. That's not the person I want to be. God, help me control the word vomit. I ask that you'll show me how blessed I am. Bring me peace and clarity to every situation Lord. In everything I say and do, please be with me every step of the way. Remind me that you are all I need in life Lord. You can give me the strength, the love, the friendship, and the company that I seek and need. You're all I need.

sticks and stones may break my bones...

So this is something that's been on my mind and something I'm going to ramble about...don't expect it to be intelligent or thought provoking....

When it comes to language what is considered too far? Who says that the "bad words" are bad? This is something I just can't seem to understand. I've gone back and forth on the issues. When I was a little girl, when I said the word stupid or shut up or poopy head I got spanked and my mouth washed out with soap. Liquid soap. It was gross but that still wouldn't stop me from using those words. Now they're main staples in my vocabulary. Does that make me a horrible person?

As a Christian, where is the "appropriate" place to draw the line? I know that throughout the Bible we're warned of having an untamed tongue and the damages that they can cause. It also talks about how we're not to be like the world and how we are to be different from the world in what we do and say but if I'm joking around with one of my friends and I call her a dirty whore and someone over hears the conversation will they automatically think I'm a horrible Christian and write me off as a lost cause? These are the things I don't understand....

There's been a lot of things on my mind recently. With all the mistakes I've made in my past, all the horrible things I've done and knowing that I will stand accountable to God someday for that scares the crap out of me. It also makes me thankful for the grace that I've been given and that despite my transgressions, God still continues to bless me with things and people I do not deserve. I'm a blessed little lady.

100 posts....

Well according to my little dashboard...this is lucky number 100 in my blog posts. I really wish I had something more composed and intelligent to say.

With Easter having passed recently I've been thinking a lot about grace. So many times I feel like God will love me if I just work my way into his favor....like I have the mentality that if I just led a sinless life I'd be worthy of his grace and in a sense trying to "earn" my salvation even though I've already accepted the gift. Let's think about the reality of this though. There is NO possible way I would ever in a million years even if I tried my absolute hardest that I would ever live a sinless life. That's the beauty of his grace. Even though I'm easily one of the worst and retched people on this planet, He still loves ME. He wants ME to be with him in heaven someday. I'm a lucky girl. Despite my flaws and many disappointing decisions I make He still loves me....Jesus loves EVEN ME.

my hiatus has ended...

Guess who's back!

I realize it's been a while since I've blogged and there's a reason for that. The reason being someone broke in to my house and stole my laptop....it hasn't been a pleasant couple months because of that but I've managed to find other ways around things. I've been journaling a LOT. but I've always journaled a lot...I guess I just really enjoy writing event though I'm not neccesarily good at it.

I never grow old in the ways that God works. His timing is always perfect and so different from mine....but his is SO much better. I'll never get tired of seeing how he works.

These Days...

My life these days has turned in to a dull and droll life, but don't get me wrong...I kind of love it that way. I've recently been catching up with old friends and they keep asking the same questions..."how have you been?!" "what have you been up to?!"...etc. Each time the only thing I can do is respond with the same, boring and pathetic answer of "nothing." Honestly, its true. I don't do much. I go to work. I come home. I read books. I watch my shows. Those four things sum up my life.

Now to some, my life sounds boring and horrible, but for me, I'm learning to enjoy it. I'm not really used to having all this down time. I'm used to running around, having chaotic weeks of homework, projects, deadlines...BLAH! This downtime thing is kind of nice. Actually, no...it's REALLY nice. Have I been bored? For sure...but I've enjoyed it. Sadly for me...my time of having nothing but work is slowly coming to an end. Next semester I'm to be in classes. Oh school...how I've missed thee.