just a little rant.

It seems like all the relationships in my life have just shifted in the past few weeks. People that I talked to everyday have fallen off the face of the planet and people that I haven't heard from in years have been blowing up my phone. It's a strange place to be. I'm not sure if I like it....

I can't really say that I have much to talk about right now. There are plenty of things I could whine about but I'm pretty sure it won't solve anything. I have had a lot on my mind though, especially when it comes to my faith and what I believe. A lot of it has to do with do I actually believe this? or is this just what I've been taught my whole life and it's easier to go with the flow than try and stick up for what I think? I'm not quite sure what I believe anymore. Hold on, let me rephrase that so people don't think I'm offering up animal sacrifices in the backyard. I'm 100% a Christian. I believe that I am a fallen human and a sinner and that I've been saved by the blood of Jesus Christ who was the ultimate sacrifice and that by asking him to forgive me of my sins I will spend eternity with him in heaven. It's the fine points of Christianity that I'm struggling to deal with. Topics mainly having to do with the church and how they approach things and just what being a Christian means -vs- what Christians actually do. Now don't get me wrong I get that we're human. I get that we will never in a million years be perfect. So why is it that most Christians act like they're perfect and flawless? Why can't they just be open and honest with their flaws? Why do they have to hide them and point out mine? Yeah, so I swear from time to time and I've said plenty of things that I shouldn't have. You weren't there later that night when I confessed my wrong doings to God. You weren't there when I seeked his forgiveness. You don't know me, my life, or my situation and you make NO attempts to try to understand me. Don't judge me. You are not my pastor. You are not my friend. You are just someone who thinks they know my life and wants to drag the bones out of my closet so no one goes peeking around in yours. Jokes on you though. My life is pretty much an open book. So feel free to pass your judgement but at the end of the day God is my judge. Not you....so go find something better to talk about.

Just a short thought for today.

Recently, I've had a few people compliment me on my skin. Now I'm going to back track and say my skin sucks. I used to have really bad acne so I now have lots of scars and such. Not pleasant. I switched over to bare minerals for my make-up and I use their skin care line (not like you really care) and I guess my skin is improving. Here's my question/thought. Why is it that in ourselves we automatically see the flaws? I mean yeah it keeps us humble, but depending on the situation it also makes us insecure. My skin is still one of my biggest insecurities. When someone looks at me they don't see my scars or the size of my pores. When I look in the mirror all I see is huge pores, blackheads, pimples, and scaring. Am I the only one that has this issue? Or is it kind of something everyone deals with and struggles with? This is my life.

go go gadget....

It's 1 a.m. and I need to sleep...yet I'm still awake, computer still on, and I'm texting the night away.

Why is it that so often gadgets and gizmos distract us from what we should actually be doing? Let's be honest now. How often are we checking our cell phones during church? Texting a friend during the sermon or putzing around on facebook instead of reading the Bible or praying? Believe me, I'm the guiltiest person of this. It's a rut that I seem to be stuck in that I'm having the worst time trying to get out of. I'm stuck and I don't really want to be anymore. I'm looking for my escape.

God, I realize that the technology I have access too is such a blessing and could be used for your honor and glory. I just pray that I'll learn self control and responsibility when it comes to using what you've given me. I don't want texting or facebook or anything equally ridiculous to come before you. You need to be the number 1 priority in my life. I want to get there. I'll need a hand though. Help me out of this rut.

It's Go Time.

As you can tell, it's been a while. I don't have much to say and my laptop is going to die soon so I'll make this brief.

Life is far too short to worry about the stupid things in life. This is something that's been hitting me in the face lately. Recently a friend of the family and her son were both taken home to be with God and it kind of just smacked me in the face. She was in her mid thirties...her son was 4 years old. They both still had so much life left to live but God took them home. What if God takes me home tomorrow. What have I done that's even worth anything? What have I done for God? This is the question I need to focus on. I've done so much talking...not enough doing. I've made plans to change, but haven't actually done it. Forget the planning. I need to get with the doing. It's time to walk the way I talk. It's go time.

Summer Ramble...blerg!

Well, the summer heat is here. Let the sweating begin. Don't get me wrong, I kind of love summer...the laying out and tanning, the cook-outs, the s'mores. All good things for sure. This summer is just going to be a busy one in particular. I'm working a lot and I'm to have as much of a social life as humanly possible but it seems to be slowly slipping away from me. I'm definitely excited to see what's in store for summer though. I have lots to be accomplished and I definitely have a lot on my mind. It kind of sucks when you care for someone knowing there isn't going to be a future. You've got to let them live their own life though you know? He's got to do what he's got to do and all I can do is pray for him a LOT because he's definitely going to need God's protection. Sometimes I don't understand why people go looking for danger, but then I remember somebody's got to do that job. God's wired us all so different and while it doesn't appeal to me in the slightest bit, it's something that other people are so passionate about. Totally blows my mind.

If you can't tell, I'm kind of rambling. I'm blaming it on mt. dew, IHOP late night conversations with my co-workers and the fact that I'm really tired. so this is bed time.

Smell The Color 9

This song sums up my mental state for today, and really the past couple days. Thank goodness for Chris Rice.

I would take 'no' for an answer
Just to know I heard You speak
And I’m wonderin’ why I’ve never
Seen the signs they claim they see
Are the special revelations
Meant for everybody but me?
Maybe I don’t truly know You
Or maybe I just simply believe

‘Cause I can sniff, I can see
And I can count up pretty high
But these faculties aren’t getting me
Any closer to the sky
But my heart of faith keeps poundin’
So I know I’m doin’ fine
But sometimes finding You
Is just like trying to
Smell the color nine

Now I’ve never ‘felt the presence’
But I know You’re always near
And I’ve never ‘heard the calling’
But somehow You’ve led me right here
So I’m not looking for burning bushes
Or some divine graffiti to appear
I’m just beggin’ You for some wisdom
And I believe You’re puttin’ some here

‘Cause I can sniff, I can seek,
I can count up pretty high
But these faculties aren’t getting me
Any closer to the sky
But my heart of faith keeps poundin’
So I know I’m doin’ fine
But sometimes finding You
Is just like trying to
Smell the color nine

Smell the color nine?
But nine’s not a color
And even if it were you can’t smell a color
That’s my point exactly...

All at Once, I get a little Clumsy.

"And all at once the crowd begins to sing, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Maybe you want her, maybe you need her, maybe you've started to compare to someone not there..." -All At Once, The Fray

It happens, all at once. All these things and thoughts just start swirling. People, males in particular, just start crawling out of the woodwork. It's like they just know that I'm going through doubts and insecurities so they decide to like...feast on it. I've gotten the "please take me back, I miss you so much. I promise I've changed and I know I treated you horribly and was a total douche but I really miss you." I've also gotten the "you know I'm so awesome and you know you miss me. You know you want to hang out with me." Really dude. You think that's working? It's just irritating and frustrating. Stupid boys.

Sidenote. Well ok, I guess it's not really a sidenote because it's completely unrelated to the first thought. Kids seem to be a lot .... smarter when it comes to their faith now compared to when I was in high school. I'm truly impressed with these kids. They're debating theological things that I don't even debate. These kids are smarter than me, not that it's really that hard to do sometimes. I guess I'm just impressed.

I'm ending this with lyrics that basically describes my current state and the state I've been in the past few days....

Clumsy - Chris Rice

You think I’d have it down by now
Been practicin’ for thirty years
I should have walked a thousand miles
So what am I still doin’ here
Reaching out for that same old piece of forbidden fruit
I slip and fall and I knock my halo loose
Somebody tell me what’s a boy supposed to do?

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

I’m gonna get it right this time
I’ll be strong and I’ll make You proud
I’ve prayed that prayer a thousand times
But the rooster crows and my tears roll down again
Then You remind me You made me from the dust
And I can never, no never, be good enough
And that You’re not gonna let that come between us

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

From where I stand
Your holiness is up so high I can never reach it
My only hope is to fall on Jesus

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah