wahhhhh

So this is just going to be me whining ok? good. Glad we agree that it's ok and since I'm pretty sure not a lot of people read this so I don't plan to be super vague, especially since I can go back and edit it or delete it if I need to. Right now I just need to get this out.

Sooo there's this boy. He's been around for a little while....like 10 months or so. Now this boy is extremely adorable, extremely intelligent, and extremely fun to be around. Sounds like a match made in heaven right? Most days, yes. Lately...not so much. I get that we're two very very different people...for the most part that's why we work well together. That whole balancing each other out thing. But then we have are days when it's like BAM. you're VERY different. Now I'm not even going to try and say that everything is 100% his fault, because it's not. I panic easily. I over-analyze. I have a chronic need to try and fix everything. Those are my flaws. His biggest flaw (in my eyes) is the fact that when it comes to me, he doesn't argue or talk about relationship stuff. So when we're fighting or we disagree about something what would be a small disagreement turns into a fairly big argument that lasts days. It's annoying, really really annoying. Especially since arguing with a significant other is among my LEAST favorite things in the entire world. I know I need to just relax sometimes and realize that I just can't fix everything. Like in my head I know that, in reality I can't make myself do it. In order for me to relax I have to turn my phone off and leave it at home to even try and take my minds off things, but then that leads to a whole different level of anxiety that I won't have my phone on me if someone needs me. I'm crazy. Completely and entirely crazy. The anxiety technology brings sometimes is just too much, but I can't live without it. I just remember the days in jr. high and early high school before I had a cell phone when we used HOME phones. Heaven forbid right? Whenever I wanted to talk to my boyfriend at the time I called his house and we talked or he called my house and we talked. Now I'm old enough to have a cell phone and instead of using that for you know calling people, all we do now is text. Now texting is great, and it sucks. With texting you get zero vocal recognition so something that doesn't sound mean or angry could be read that way depending on the mood of the reader. So of course, when you're a raging crazy like I am at times you can see the mess it can create. Especially when that boy mentioned earlier that doesn't like to talk about relationship stuff also doesn't like to talk on the phone, so everything is through texting. See my dilema? See why I need to whine? See why I'm a raging nut case? Good. Me too.

head -vs- heart pt. 2

relates to the last post huh?

head -vs- heart

I think that may be the biggest fight of life. What should you listen to when it really comes down to it....your head? or your heart? Surely there must be a middle ground between the two but I'm pretty sure that would be your nose or your mouth so it would just end up with me smelling and eating everything so that's no good. But seriously, when it comes down to the hard things it's difficult to know which way to go. Countless songs and quotes tell you to listen to your heart, be true to your heart, follow your heart...etc. Then there's other songs and quotes to the opposite affect. Use your head, think things through...etc. Maybe you're just supposed to do both, depending on the situation and which one is applicable. You would think that at 22 years old I would have this stuff figured out. If only life got easier with time, instead it just gets harder, more complicated, and more frustrating.

bugs on the windshield

I feel like I focus way too much on little things and I don't look at the big picture. This ranges from school things, work things, and my relationships. I try to see things big picture, and when I'm giving advice to people I can see their problems big picture. It's just when it comes to my own that I just get stuck on one thing. On an itty bitty, teeny tiny, unimportant thing. I think I should point out I'm not really speaking in specifics. Nothing has really happened lately so I guess I'm just vaguebooking. It's like when you're driving down the highway and a mosquito hits your windshield and that's all you can focus on. That little speck of guts in the middle of your windshield is all you see. Not the open clear happy spaces that are squeaky clean. Not the open road in front of you...just the small smear on the windshield. It's definitely something that's been on my mind lately...and probably something I should..you know, work on.

Am I The Only One?

Am I the only one that just goes insane when she's around people too much? I don't know what's happened. It used to be the total opposite. I thrived on being around people. They gave me energy, happiness, confidence...now I spend too much time with people and I'm running the opposite direction. I've finally reached a limit. The past week and a half I've spent almost all my time with groups of people and it's left me drained and exhausted. Yeah, I love all the people I was with and we had tons of fun together but I just feel like I'd reached a breaking point. That realization came last night when I was just a grouch while I was around people. It was totally unfair for me to act the way I was acting and I ended up apologizing for my childish whining and actions the night before so we'll see if forgiveness is in my future...however, seeing as I apologized early this morning and I have yet to hear back I'm assuming I'm in more trouble than I previously assumed. Oh goodie.

I just needed a day, and I took that day today. I did my own thing, relaxed, and just did me. I got some exercise in, some presents finished, cards made, and musicals listened to. Overall, it was just a good day to recharge. Now it's off for a 4 straight days of working, dealing with people, bad attitudes, and bad tips. I'm going to try and remember how great today was in order to make it through. Guess we'll see how far I'll make it.

Well since my last post you'll see that Chelsea's wedding has come and gone. She looked absolutely radiant. I'm lucky to call such a kind, smart, and beautiful woman my best friend. I look back to that day and I try and think about what she must have been feeling. She seemed completely confidant, calm, cool, and collective. She was so excited to walk down the aisle to Chris, his unconditional love, and their future. What that must've felt like, man...I'm telling you, part of me can't wait to get married. There is another part of me that's terrified. Not because I don't want the happily ever after, but because I've been scarred. I know I talk about it a lot and that I should really just shut up and move on. Trust me...this I know. It's that fear of being that vulnerable with someone again just kind of over takes me sometimes. Things will be going great, absolutely, positively wonderful.....then BAM! Smacks me over the head like a 2 by 4. Love. To know that I feel it is a great thing, but to know that someone else might not, that vulnerability, the possibility of rejection. All those things just make my stomach turn. To know that one person holds that key to a part of happiness and to not know how it happened, or how you've gotten to that point again, it's just mind boggling....

Seriously though. How did I get here again? How did this happen! He some how snuck under my radar and climbed my wall and now here we are. On the cusps of love...at least from my perspective. I haven't the slightest clue where he stands in all this. Clearly we haven't dropped the "love" bomb yet. We're coming up on 9 months together and I'm glad that we haven't rushed anything. We're just bidding our time, enjoying what we have while we have it. I don't know what's happened or how I got to this point. I mean, I've had sneaking suspicions and hints of love for a few months now, and like I said earlier it's kind of just been a 2 by 4 kind of moment...and here I am. Over-joyed mixed with terrified. Over-joyed because I didn't know if I would ever feel the same way I felt before and terrified because I'm potentially setting myself up for serious, painful, and awful heartbreak. I guess it comes with the territory now....

Mmmkay, tangent....well sort of. This has been a kind of weird week for me. Like obviously there's been the whole 2 by 4 realization as noted above, and then there has been some fierce missing of my friends back in Indiana. Now there's the story, and judge me as you will. One of those friends was supposed to come stay with me Wednesday night then we would hang out Thrusday. Well, when I brought it up with the boy he was less than thrilled, understandably so. It wasn't that I couldn't hang out with my friend, it was the slumber part aspect of it so instead of asking my friend to get a hotel that I knew he couldn't afford I was straight up with him and told him what had happened and that I'd have to cancel on him because he wasn't comfortable with it and he said he understood and that we were peachy....except for the fact he's treated me essentially like crap for the rest of the week. So I don't want to be fighting with one of my best friends, so I confront him about it and again he says everything's fine...we're all good...then again, more crap. I just don't know how process it. Like I shouldn't "give up" on my friends just because I have a boyfriend, but why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't I just have both? Maybe I'm the one that's forcing myself to choose. Neither one of these boys has said it's-me-or-him...but I feel like I'm being pulled back and forth. I've got to stop putting all this pressure on myself...que serra right? Whatever will be will be. But maybe, just maybe I don't need the whole world to love me, just that one person.

9 days.

9 Days. That's all we have left before my best friend walks down the aisle to her future. I'm so excited for her and I can't wait to see what's in store! It's crunch time now though. I went with her to the final dress fitting today and learned how to bustle! So exciting right? Oh the duties of a maid of honor. My speech is coming along, slowly but surely. I figure I'll keep it short and sweet, maybe add in a little anecdote about Chris' first kiss...you know the exciting stuff that weddings are made of....needless to say, 9 days. I have to get my butt in gear!

So this week I had the wonderful opportunity to see the one and only Michael Buble in concert! This was my second time seeing him and he is just so incredible! By far he is one of the best performers I've ever seen. Anytime he is close enough for me to see his show, I will. AND did I mention I got to touch him! AHHHH so fantastic. He's amazing and I love him.