it's just been that week.

Ever had one of those weeks that progressively gets worse and worse as the week goes on to the point of tears? Yeah...me too.

It's ultimately my fault. A classic case of stretching myself way too thin. I haven't gotten much sleep, I've fought with the boyfriend, worked too much and made no money, and not to mention actually cried. Me....crying. It never happens so that just tells you how great it's been. I suppose there's no use dwelling on the misery that happened. I should probably just let it go and hope that this next week turns out much better. Hopefully a week with more sleep, less stress, less fighting and ZERO crying. That's my wish for this next week. A less stressful, easier to manage week.

With Thanksgiving over, I suppose it's finally time to start focusing on the next holiday. CHRISTMAS. Oh the thoughts of consumerism and holiday shopping thrill me....not. People get way too intense over Christmas gifts. Giving gifts is great....it really is. I LOVE buying gifts for my friends, but at the same time actually going out to the mall or target or walmart just gets way too crazy for me. I mean holiday shopping kicks off on Black Friday. The day of "super savings" long lines and crabby shoppers and workers. I'm glad to say I didn't participate in Black Friday shopping this year. I just don't feel like it was worth the stress to me. Large groups of crazy coupon clippers fighting over the last of the 14 inch HD tv that's going to break in a year just don't appeal to me. It actually tends to give me a little bit of anxiety. When I was younger I lived for Black Friday shopping. It was tradition. Now I just can't do it. Maybe it's because I've been on the working end of the Black Friday spectrum in both retail and now the restaurant industry. From a retail stand point you have the needy customers that take out their aggression on you because you can some how control not having their size in a $50 sweater at a completely different store in the mall. From the restaurant stand point you have the people that spent far too much money on the massive Black Friday bargains and don't tip anything. Whatever way you spin it, it's lame and I'm kind of over it. I'm over you Black Friday. You just aren't worth my time.

By now I'm sure you've realized that my thoughts never seem to coherently flow together. It's kind of just random paragraphs put together in one post. Believe it or not ladies and gentleman, that's actually how my brain works. Jumping from one pointless topic to the next. It's great to be me sometimes....

So let's talk about jealousy for a second. Could someone please explain to me the point of it? I mean ok...everyone wants a little jealousy in a relationship, whether they will admit it or not. Everyone wants to know that the person they're with know's they're lucky to have that other person. It's just that over load of possessive, jealous rage that is so not cool. When that person tells you who you can and can't talk to....not ok sir. Especially when it's a double standard. It's those dang double standards....every relationship has them and they suck. If it's ok for you to tell me who I can talk to then it's ok for me to tell you who you can talk to or who you can hang out with right? Yeah that's what I thought. Needless to say, this may have caused a huge fight between my boyfriend and I. It hasn't really been resolved yet. Don't really know when it's going to be but I suppose until it is I'm just not going to talk to anyone. Kind of just slip in to hiding and ignore the world. Sometimes I wish I were financially able to just do that. To just call off a couple days of work and fly somewhere to see some friends or just escape to a city where I don't know anyone and just explore. Sometimes I just wish I could take a little me time. Maybe that's me wanting to run away from my problems instead of just facing them like an adult. Say what you will, I don't care. The thought of just leaving for a few days to clear my head just sounds like a wonderful idea. Too bad I'm working another 35 hours this week and have a broken car and zero money to call my own. If only money really did grow on trees....maybe I'll work to invent that. A money tree. Then I'll be rich forever.

I feel like these days I'm a quote machine. I'm finding them in the weirdest ways....youtube videos, fiction novels, movies, ridiculous friends. The unfortunate thing about it though is I hear all these great quotes but like a genius, I forget to write them down.

You know its really shocking...I have all this free time yet I still manage to accomplish.....nothing. One the upside I have been accepted to school and I've successfully send them my FAFSA but I have yet to register for classes which I'm pretty sure is the whole point of school. I just would love to fast forward all the boring stuff and have it actually done. That was the great thing about IWU. They literally had everything mapped out for you. There was a list of every class you needed to take and what semester to take them. There was really no thinking involved, kind of awesome...but it kind of screwed me in the whole having to do things for myself aspect. Guess I'm going to have to learn then.

On a side note it's basically Christmas and I've already bought my boyfriend his present and it's AWESOME. So awesome. I mean really I went above and beyond what I probably should have done seeing as we've only been together for like 3 months and 2 of those months we weren't even dating, but I truly wanted him to have what I got him. For being a huge football fan he's NEVER been to a professional game so I'm taking him to the Browns Steelers game! They're 4th row seats....amazing. So excited and I hope he opts to take me. I mean, if he wants to take his best friend I won't be super offended....anyone else though I'll be pissed. He's a pretty awesome guy though so I wanted to get him something great and I feel like I did. He goes with me to Harry Potter at midnight, I reward him with amazing football tickets :)

Oh My Boys....

Mmmmm. looooove Michael Buble. Seriously, if I could I would marry him. That smooth voice, his charming smile and oh how beautiful he looks in suits. Michael Buble, I love you. Give up that inevitably beautiful model you're with and take a chance on a quirky half-asian from Toledo....

Ok ok....enough with the fantasizing. Back to reality. Reality lately seems to include lots of missing the life I once had. I wish I could be back in Indiana sometimes. Those boys are seriously so special to me. I tend to play favorites sometimes but in all reality, Brock, Russ, and Ryne you're all on an equal playing field. Brock, you were the friend when I needed one the most. Right after the break up you took me in to your inner circle. You say it's only because you wanted an Asian friend but I truly think you enjoy my company no matter how much you want to deny it and as much as I'd like to deny it....even though on most occasions you make me crazy, I'm glad we're friends. Russell Cade. My second favorite....you by far give the best hugs. You know how to make a lady feel special and while for a split second I could call you "mine" in the end you deserve a special lady. Someone much more special than me and you know that. You and your constant witty comments and movie chatter always keeps me entertained and when I really need it, you listen to my incessant whining and pouting. I'm sure you claim it's because you have no choice but deep deep deep down I know you care. I know I know, you're a robot....or Spock, but I know you have feelings somewhere in there. And Ryne Ryne Ryne. My eternal favorite. My emo little friend. How I enjoy your company. I never run out of things to talk about with you. You know every detail of every romantic relationship I ever had and at the end of each one you remind me that I need to stop dating douches. Only time will tell if I've broken that habit with this one....so far all signs point to maybe. You make me laugh with your deeply seeded sarcasm and your stories of dunhams or the latest moron you've encountered. Basically you're awesome or even better, you ARE batman. I guess the moral of the story is I miss you boys. The whole three hours away thing sucks pretty bad. I could use some Indiana hugging these days. And some bonfires. And oh my Lord a Wildcat crispy chicken with BBQ sauce. That may be the only thing I miss more than you three. Looks like a road trip is in order....if not for you boys then DEFINITELY for the crispy chicken. I think I should make that happen.

"I'm impossible to forget...

but hard to remember..."

Let me just start by saying I don't plan for this to me some super deep insightful post because in all honesty I don't really see myself as the deep insightful type of person. That being said here we goooooo!

"Do you ever just think I'm fooling everybody?"- Claire Colburn. Sometimes I wonder about the person that I am. Like the way I view myself and the way others see me are probably completely different. I see myself as the girl next door with the ridiculous quirks but a sweetheart that will stand by your side no matter how pissed she may be at you. Or in theatrical terms pretty much every character Meg Ryan has ever portrayed in a movie with a dash of Claire Colburn (played my Kirsten Dunst) in Elizabethtown. I'm incredibly indecisive, overly obsessed with youtube, an over-analyzer, and a terrible cook. There are some days when I really struggle to see what anyone could possibly see in me. Today seemed to be one of those days. I was productive per the request of my boyfriend. I turned in my application to get my butt back in school, I picked up my contacts...I even got a nap! Productive day indeed. Then I was on the phone with my mom and all the good juju the productivity brought me came crashing down. The stress began seeping back in. The crap wagon began to fill up again and all the ugly qualities I have came bursting through the seams of my jolly mood. I don't want to say that I "hate" my father because thats suuuuuch a strong word. I just don't get him sometimes. I think he can be unbelievably selfish. I think he doesn't think things through before he acts and I think that anything he does has strings attached to it. All in all, if you can't tell I'm not exactly doing cartwheels about anything related to my father. That crap wagon I emptied so long ago is just being piled and piled on with more and more crap. I just can't find a way to let it go right now. I'll survive this. I've survived everything else that's happened. God's still God and in the end He's got my back. It won't be easy...I'm sure sacrifices will have to be made but I'll survive. I just wish as you got older life grew easier....apparently it doesn't. It gets worse. WAY worse. And I don't mean to sit here and complain because that's not my intention at all. I guess this is just my way of processing my emotions. Typing out my thoughts, using other people's words and quotes to relate to my life. As lame as it is...blogging helps me "express myself". Gosh I sound like a nut case. Oh well. It is what it is.

"Sadness is easier because it's surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free." - Claire Colburn

This Could Be Ignorant...

Holy long time gone batman.

Well it's been over a month. What is there to say. How have I grown. What's new and has changed. Let's start with the easy things...I work all the time, I have a ridiculous television schedule I keep up with at the risk of going insane, I still have an unbelievable addiction to youtube and am still proud to be a nerdfighter, and I now have a boyfriend as of...well 1 o'clock this morning. There are the easy things. You all seem to be caught up now.

What's been on my mind you ask? Oh you know...those easy questions of life really. The biggest thing on my mind is the non-Christian -vs- Christian debate. More specifically a Christian dating a non-Christian. It's a confusing thing really. Who's to say who's a Christian and who isn't? Isn't that for God to judge anyway? I guess I'm just getting to a point in my life where I'm so over the "rules" that seem to be automatically assumed with Christianity. I really don't think that's what it's about and I mean it's not like I've been doing tons of digging and researching so I may be completely ignorant on the issue. What does Jesus say are the two greatest commands. 1) Love the Lord your God with all your heart and 2) Love your neighbor as yourself. Those are the greatest commandments and I'm not saying we should just ignore everything else because we shouldn't but I just get so tired of other Christians just looking down their noses at me. For them to judge me for the decisions I make. There is a point where yeah if I'm going out and getting crunk every night, sleeping around with tons of men, doing crazy and copious amounts of drugs and have a flagrant disregard for everything then yeah...let's have an intervention. However, if I haven't been to church in a while and you've never spoken to me before don't give me the stink eye. Please don't come up to me and say how nice it is to finally see me back at church. You don't know my business. That's for God to judge, not you please and thanks. Same thing goes with if I decide to date a "non-Christian" or however you'd like to label it. I'm not asking you to do it. I'm not asking you to give me your opinion. At the end of the day that's between me, the other person, and God. That's kind of it. I mean I get that some people offer their advice because they care about me and they have my back. That's great and I'm thankful for it but again...I'm an adult. It's my decision to make.

Let's see what else is there to say....I guess there really isn't anything else to report. I'm still the same old person. Same old issues. But all in all, I'm lucky. I've got great friends, an awesome family for the most part and now a great boyfriend. My job is still consistent and I'm still healthy. As far as I'm concerned...I'm lucky and I'm blessed. God's been good to me.

flimsy-foldable me.

"The truth is that whenever I went up to the top of the SunTrust building--including that last time with you--I didn't really look down and think about how everything was made of paper. I looked down and thought about how I was made of paper. I was the flimsy-foldable person, not everyone else. And here's the thing about it. People love the idea of a paper girl. They always have. And the worst thing is, I loved it too. Because it's kind of great, being an idea that everybody likes. But I could never be that idea to myself. Not all the way. And Agloe is a place where a paper creation became real. A dot on the map became a real place, more real than the people who created the dot could ever imagined. I thought maybe the paper cutout girl could start becoming real here also. And it seemed like a way to tell that paper girl who cared about popularity and clothes and everything else: You are going to the paper towns and you are never coming back." - Paper Towns

Did I ever mention how much I LOVE John Green? Awesome for sure.

This summer has been interesting for me to say the least. A lot of things changed for me. I worked two jobs pretty consistently through the summer which made for a good amount of money but left me tired with basically no social life and no time for me. The rare days I wasn't working I spent the day just being lazy and sleeping and really doing NOTHING productive. Through the summer though, I've changed and not necessarily for the better. Everyday was spent working. I was making lots of money but my spending habits were also kind of ridiculous. Everything I spent money on was basically a waste. Clothing, movies, make-up and other nonsense that I didn't really need is what I spent my hard earned cash on. Some how in the process of making the money I just lost part of who I am. I bought in to the material possessions. I justified everything I bought too. Every item of clothing I could wear to work and be "current" for that season. Every movie I bought I would tell myself it's better than spending all that money at the video store to rent it everytime I want to watch it. All the make-up would make my skin better and cover up my stupid scars. Well ladies and gents with every justification I became a little more vapid and a little more shallow. Now I've re-read Paper Towns and BAM. I feel like I am Margo. I loved the idea of being a paper thin girl. Of being that girl that everyone loves. The girl that's popular and just basically awesome. Here's the thing though, that feeling didn't last long. Did I love the attention I was getting? Oh yeah, for sure but I've come to realize that with attention comes pressure. The more attention I received, the more pressure I put on myself. Everytime I would leave the house, even if it was to just run a quick errand, I would change like 3 or 4 times. Everything had to be perfect. I had to look perfect and it is quickly getting old for me. I'm ready to leave and never return because Toledo has become a vacuum of consumerism and vapidity. Lately, I've felt like a lost cause.

This brings me to the other day. One of my good friends was preparing to leave for school and before he left, he and I went to get coffee. So I went to pick him up and we just started chatting away as usual. A little bit later after we were all settled in at Starbucks he pulled the "but really Chelsea, how are you doing." This is where I launched in to my whole recent debacle. He's always been super honest with me so I asked him, am I really shallow? His answer, well...yes and no. I'm sorry, what? His take on things is that I come across shallow when you first meet me and then the more you get to know me the less shallow I am to a point. He also told me that the things I choose to complain about are really stupid. For example, on the car ride to Starbucks I had been talking about how recently there are a couple boys from work that want to date me. Looking back it was such a stupid thing to complain about because really...WHO REALLY CARES. Why did I choose to whine about that? I can't even say that was the only time I've ever complained about it and while yeah, it kind of is a problem for me because I don't ever like to hurt anyone's feelings by telling them I don't like them in the bigger scheme of things, no one really cares. There are so many other things to worry about like how did I live for God today? How can I reach out to others? How can I serve? These are the things I should be worrying about. These are the things I should be thinking about. I hate that lately I've become a paper girl. I want to actually be real again. Someone that cares more about current events and others than the latest fashion trends at J. Crew. Maybe that's just one of the many downfalls of working at a retail store. You get sucked in to the clothing vortex and lose sight of real life. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm the only one that can't seem to balance the two. All I know is, I've got a lot of work to do in these coming months. It's going to be a long road.

paper dolls in a paper town.

This little angel is my new kitten. Her name is Margo Roth Spiegelman named after one of my literary heroines from John Green's book Paper Towns. Currently I'm re-reading it for like...the millionth time and in true John Green fashion, he's got me thinking about things because that's just what John does. In his books, in his video blogs on youtube, in (some of) his tweets, his actual blog posts John always finds a way to get me thinking about life. Basically, John is made of awesome.

I'm going to type out an excerpt from paper towns that got me thinking. Here's the scene...Margo and Quentin have just rained hell on their enemies and their in downtown Orlando in an office building looking out at the city...

"It's more impressive." I said out loud. "From a distance I mean." You can't see the wear on things you know? You can't see the rust or the weeds or the paint cracking. You see the place as someone imagined it." [Quentin] "Everything's uglier close up," she said. "Not you," I answered before thinking better of it. Her forehead still against the glass, she turned to me and smiled. "Here's a tip: you're cute when you're confident. And less when you're not." Before I had a chance to say anything, here eyes went back to the view and she started talking. "Here's what's not beautiful about it: from here, you can't see the rust or the cracked paint or whatever, but you can tell what the place really is. You see how fake it all is. It's not even hard enough to be made out of plastic. It's a paper town. I mean look at it, Q: look at all those cul-de-sacs, those streets that turn in on themselves, all the houses that were built to fall apart. All those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm. All the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. Everyone demented with the mania of owning things. All the things paper-thin and paper-frail. And all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters."

I have the bolded section written down and pinned to my wall. First time I read that when the book came out I was kind of taken aback. It made me really take a look at my thoughts and priorities. I don't ever want to be a paper person. Someone that's so vapid and shallow. It would be foolish of me to think that I won't have my moments, because let's be honest now, I'm human and I'm female. Growing up in a private school and being the youngest I've become accustomed to being spoiled and having nice things. I'm really trying to remember though that it really doesn't matter. I dream of the day when I can move away to some small town in the country. A place where it doesn't matter what you wear, what you look like, or what you drive. A place where people get to know you before they make a snap judgement. A place where people care more about others than about themselves. If a place like that exists, sign me up.

I just get so tired of having to live up to a certain expectation that other people seem to have of me. From far away you can see the shallow, vapid Chelsea. The one that's always put together with her J. Crew pieces and a plastered smile on her face. I've been told I'm "attractive" or some other form of that type of compliment, but it's like Margo says, everything's uglier close up. The closer you get the me, the more flaws you'll see. The more you get to know me the more character flaws you'll see in me. I just wish it were easier to change. I just think that if I could move away and start over I wouldn't fall into the same habit, but who am I kidding, change wouldn't be any easier. I'm not trying to whine because I'm blessed beyond what I deserve. God's been so good to me. I just need to be reminded that I'm not a paper doll. I have something holding me here that's more important than owning things. Screw consumerism. There are more important things in life. Now to just remember that.