Leaving and Freedom.

I get like this every few months or so. I just get to the point where I want to leave and run away. Whether it's run away from my problems or from people, I just want to get out of Ohio and run. Just go somewhere new, start fresh and get an actual do-over. It all sounds so dramatic and I don't really mean for it to be, sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with my surroundings and I just have to get out. The annoying thing is though, all it is is talk....no actions. I can never follow through with it. For a while last year I was dead set on leaving America for a year. Just taking off on a plane and finding a nanny job in England, yet here I sit....in my bed....in Ohio. All it is, is talk. All the time I spend thinking about leaving and planning out what I would actually be doing if I could get the balls to follow through with it is just...kind of wasted....

They make the whole thing sound so easy in songs. Maybe that's why I think about it all the time....it's that damn country music I love so much. Dierks Bentley made a living off of songs about drifting, leaving, and running...It sounds so beautiful. I mean don't get me wrong, it sounds lonely as hell sometimes but the idea of freedom and only worrying about yourself sounds so freeing and just beautiful. Drifting from town to town, just meeting new people, making new friends and just starting over with every move.

It's possible that I do this entirely to myself. That I just take everyone else's cares and woes upon myself until I just get so weighted and rundown that I just want to drop everything and run away. Luckily for me I'm fairly irresponsible with money so I never have the money to just literally drop everything and up and move to a different city, state, or heaven forbid, country. Sometimes I just wish I could start over. Not have to live up to every one else's standards for myself...not have to paste a smile on my face and pretend that I'm not totally broken on the inside. The idea of not having to think about everyone else's feelings and how every decision I make will be judged and picked apart just sounds so amazing, so free. Maybe it's the freedom of drifting that I long for so much. The freedom to come and go as I please, to just have the space I need to be the REAL me. Not the candy-coated version I have to show people. Sometimes I really think I'm fooling people. I trick them into thinking that I'm this happy-go-lucky girl that can take on anything, when in reality the littlest things can take me down and destroy me. I don't mean to sound so emo, things just get a little tricky to navigate sometimes....

I think I just need to accept that for the most part, my decisions will never be good enough for certain people. I'm always going to be the screw up. I'm always going to be the one that drops the ball and let's the "good guy" or the "good job" or the "perfect opportunity" get away. Procrastination, imperfection, and laziness will forever plague me and as much as I want to change and as much as I've already changed in comparison to past years, it's still not enough. I guess it just sucks when you're told your choices are foolish and every adjective used to describe your choices are used to describe you as well....foolish, irresponsible, childish, stupid, dumb....I think you get the idea. It does wonders for your outlook let me tell you.

My conclusion : I'm never going to be good enough for certain people, hence the appeal for drifting and leaving. I'll be gone without a trace. The critics won't know where I am and the only ones that matter will get enough letters and phone calls to know I'm alive and safe. Maybe I just have a little patch of a gypsy soul in me, maybe I'm a little sensitive and a little bit of a quitter. Call it what you will but the idea of just drifting through sounds too beautiful to pass up sometimes...but at this point in time, for the sake of my bank account...I have to.

I'm a Rambling Lass

Alright...let's try and write this out.

These past few days have been confusing and my mind is running a million miles a minute, prepare for many ramblings.

It makes me think of John Green and An Abundance of Katherines. The only thing my mind can seem to process right now is the Dumper/Dumpee paradox. Is one always one or the other? Or is it possible to be both. I've always been the dumpee, never the dumper. It may just be because I get too attached. Maybe I'm just naive enough to think they'll grow up or change. Maybe it's because I'm so freaking stubborn that I think that it's just a phase and if we power through we'll come out on the other side closer and stronger. I just don't understand somethings anymore but I'm not about to air out all my dirty laundry at the risk of who could potentially be reading.

Why is money so important? I get it purpose really, but I guess I don't understand the stress of it all. I mean trust me, money is one of the biggest things I stress about. It's ridiculous and it's stressful and it sucks. So annoying and so frustrating.

Frost/Nixon : fantastic movie. love it. love the history of it all. I wish I would have been alive during the time. Nixon was clearly disturbed and paranoid and all around kind of a loon, and to see a British reporter come in and basically take him down and get that explanation that the American people wanted. Amazingly epic. It kind of gives me a nerdgasm.

and finally.

DISC GOLF. I suck, so so so terribly bad. I made boyfriend and I lose. Not very good.

6 month's come and gone....

Almost 6 months later, and here I am again! I could bore you all with the lame details but how about a general overview?

Well what have I been up to you ask? SCHOOL. SCHOOL. and you guessed it! MORE SCHOOL. I sound like I'm whining and while yes, part of me is just because it's finals week, I have LOVED school. The weekly routine was definitely missed. I love that each week everything was planned but my schedule was still free enough to where I didn't feel like my brains would explode every day. I've also decided that I might have the easiest major in the world. That could also have something to do with the fact that I am a gigantic nerd and absolutely love history. Most people don't understand why I love it so much. When I tell them my major they just look at me like I'm crazy but that's ok...we've all got our thing, history's just mine. Sad to say, however, school is quickly drawing to an end. Finals week is upon us and I'm one final down....one more to go until I'm done with another year of school. That means I'll have plenty of time for the other thing that's kept me away from you blogger.....

WORK. While I understand that I'm very lucky to have a job right now, I sometimes wonder why I'm there. Why do I choose to wait tables five days a week? In what world did I think it would be smart to be in another customer service job? In reality I'm a college student...pretty much any job for me right now is going to be a customer service job. I've done it before and I can do it again. And here comes my rant....someone please explain to me why it's ok for people to be rude. Honestly, I get that you're hungry but if you see that I'm running around doing things for my 4 other tables don't snap your fingers at me, mean mug me, then roll your eyes at me when I explain why you don't have the tortillas you didn't ask for. I am not a mind reader. I am your server. If you tell me what you need I'll get it for you. Don't expect me to just automatically know you loons.

and finally the last thing that's kept me away...BOYFRIEND.

Oh boyfriend...where to begin. He's fantastic, insane, silly, sweet, and just so precious. I'm a lucky little lady. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like our relationship is all unicorns and rainbows, we have our moments and sometimes our moments are pretty intense. It all comes full circle though and clearly works out for the better. Sometimes the easiest way for me to describe relationships is through words that are not my own...like this for example...

"...bottom line, couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship everytime, if it's right and they're really lucky, one of them will say something..."

That little nugget was taken from an episode of scrubs and it's entirely true. If you're right for each other the crap won't take you down. Someone will fight for that relationship. It's encouraging to think about really. I love the quote. LOVE it.

Well there you go. You're caught up on my life. You're welcome. I'm sure you've been sitting on the edge of you seat waiting for a post. I probably just made your day. again...you're welcome.

Just remember....I wrote it for you.

It's shocking really how completely different my life has turned out....I had the opportunity to hang out with old friends from high school tonight and it was so great to see them. I love them...I've missed them but wow...I feel like sometimes I'm on a completely different life path then they are. Our night was spent catching up with little tid bits here and there about school, life, and most importantly love. Most of our conversation was taken up by the topic of marriage. MARRIAGE. Am I really that old? It seems crazy to think that in like 2 years most of my friends will be married. I'm old....ancient really. I don't even know if I'm there yet mentally....if I'll even let myself fall that far for a while. I sit here and think though...not that long ago that was my plan. I was there. I was ready then it all came crashing down. Now don't get me wrong....God taught me a lot of important lessons and I'm sure in all of these feelings of confusion and craziness His plan will shine through. It just seems so strange to me....to be in your early 20's and married. My sister did it, my best friend is doing it....I'm not saying it's not possible it's just strange to me. Maybe because of my experience I've become jaded to the whole idea of being married young, of living the whole fairy tale dream of love at first sight. Tonight as we were talking I found myself trying to talk my friends out of it...of being married so young. I told them I'll support them no matter what decision they make but geez oh peas....they're so young. We're so young....I feel like we have so much living still to do. Maybe it's selfish that I don't want to share that with anyone...that I don't want to be tied down and that I just want to live. I don't know. I'm in an entirely different world than they are these days. I remember how it was at IWU. In the process of getting your real degree, you get your MRS. degree. I get it...I was there. It's amazing how one love can just leave you jaded. It's not that I'm not over him because that's long over and long gone....but it's hard to think that had things worked out the way I planned I would married right now. This very second. Instead I'm not in school, waiting tables, and living at home. While my boyfriend's great and I don't really regret how things worked out, I can't help but feel like I've missed out. All my friends are getting married, talking engagement rings, moving on to the next chapter in life and I'm just stuck. My life is stuck in the college chapter for the moment. I want to move on too! I want to get to the next chapter in life but I guess I should finish writing the current chapter so my life...you know...makes sense. When you skip pages in a story nothing makes sense. I feel like skipping through real life would be way worse. I guess I'll just keep trudging through and keep writing my story. Just remember...I wrote it for you.

'tis the season....

Well ladies and gents, it's that time of year again! Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Happy Hanukkah...etc. The holidays mean so many things...the optimistic see the family togetherness, the giving, the great food, and the magic of the holidays. The pessimistic see the consumerism, the long lines, the short fuses, and of course the unbearable parking. I'm not going to lie...the longer I work in customer service based places, the more pessimistic I become. Don't get me wrong, I love the family togetherness, the baking, the giving....it just seems to be overcast by the grumpy costumers, the poor tippers, the miserable parking and almost getting run over walking in to work by insane mall shoppers. Oh well I guess all I can say is, 'tis the season.

On a side note, I feel like I should find a new job. The one I currently have seems to be sucking the life out of me. Yeah tips are great...walking out every night I work with cash is wonderful, but sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for the food business. For starters I can barely spell restaurant. The only reason it was just spelled currently was because of spell check. Secondly, I feel like I'm just too nice. I used to be so nice, so happy. Then I started working there and slowly but surely, I've lost that happiness. So many people just complain about stupid things. Oh there's no ice tea? So let's stand here for 5 minutes and yell to see who's job it is to make the ice tea instead of you know....making it. Let's just use our brains for a second. Who really cares who's job it is....be a team player. Help out your co-worker and help yourself in the process. Don't just stand there and complain about it. Geez. I just feel like this place is making me lose parts of myself. I'm fading so fast and it's hard to just get my sanity back. I have a week off thank you Jesus to kind of just be a real person again. To just be happy. That's all I want in life really, to be happy. I leave in the morning for Indiana to go see my best friends. I just want to breath and feel happy again. Sometimes I feel like Indiana is the only place I can do that. Man, I love the country.

it's just been that week.

Ever had one of those weeks that progressively gets worse and worse as the week goes on to the point of tears? Yeah...me too.

It's ultimately my fault. A classic case of stretching myself way too thin. I haven't gotten much sleep, I've fought with the boyfriend, worked too much and made no money, and not to mention actually cried. Me....crying. It never happens so that just tells you how great it's been. I suppose there's no use dwelling on the misery that happened. I should probably just let it go and hope that this next week turns out much better. Hopefully a week with more sleep, less stress, less fighting and ZERO crying. That's my wish for this next week. A less stressful, easier to manage week.

With Thanksgiving over, I suppose it's finally time to start focusing on the next holiday. CHRISTMAS. Oh the thoughts of consumerism and holiday shopping thrill me....not. People get way too intense over Christmas gifts. Giving gifts is great....it really is. I LOVE buying gifts for my friends, but at the same time actually going out to the mall or target or walmart just gets way too crazy for me. I mean holiday shopping kicks off on Black Friday. The day of "super savings" long lines and crabby shoppers and workers. I'm glad to say I didn't participate in Black Friday shopping this year. I just don't feel like it was worth the stress to me. Large groups of crazy coupon clippers fighting over the last of the 14 inch HD tv that's going to break in a year just don't appeal to me. It actually tends to give me a little bit of anxiety. When I was younger I lived for Black Friday shopping. It was tradition. Now I just can't do it. Maybe it's because I've been on the working end of the Black Friday spectrum in both retail and now the restaurant industry. From a retail stand point you have the needy customers that take out their aggression on you because you can some how control not having their size in a $50 sweater at a completely different store in the mall. From the restaurant stand point you have the people that spent far too much money on the massive Black Friday bargains and don't tip anything. Whatever way you spin it, it's lame and I'm kind of over it. I'm over you Black Friday. You just aren't worth my time.

By now I'm sure you've realized that my thoughts never seem to coherently flow together. It's kind of just random paragraphs put together in one post. Believe it or not ladies and gentleman, that's actually how my brain works. Jumping from one pointless topic to the next. It's great to be me sometimes....

So let's talk about jealousy for a second. Could someone please explain to me the point of it? I mean ok...everyone wants a little jealousy in a relationship, whether they will admit it or not. Everyone wants to know that the person they're with know's they're lucky to have that other person. It's just that over load of possessive, jealous rage that is so not cool. When that person tells you who you can and can't talk to....not ok sir. Especially when it's a double standard. It's those dang double standards....every relationship has them and they suck. If it's ok for you to tell me who I can talk to then it's ok for me to tell you who you can talk to or who you can hang out with right? Yeah that's what I thought. Needless to say, this may have caused a huge fight between my boyfriend and I. It hasn't really been resolved yet. Don't really know when it's going to be but I suppose until it is I'm just not going to talk to anyone. Kind of just slip in to hiding and ignore the world. Sometimes I wish I were financially able to just do that. To just call off a couple days of work and fly somewhere to see some friends or just escape to a city where I don't know anyone and just explore. Sometimes I just wish I could take a little me time. Maybe that's me wanting to run away from my problems instead of just facing them like an adult. Say what you will, I don't care. The thought of just leaving for a few days to clear my head just sounds like a wonderful idea. Too bad I'm working another 35 hours this week and have a broken car and zero money to call my own. If only money really did grow on trees....maybe I'll work to invent that. A money tree. Then I'll be rich forever.

I feel like these days I'm a quote machine. I'm finding them in the weirdest ways....youtube videos, fiction novels, movies, ridiculous friends. The unfortunate thing about it though is I hear all these great quotes but like a genius, I forget to write them down.

You know its really shocking...I have all this free time yet I still manage to accomplish.....nothing. One the upside I have been accepted to school and I've successfully send them my FAFSA but I have yet to register for classes which I'm pretty sure is the whole point of school. I just would love to fast forward all the boring stuff and have it actually done. That was the great thing about IWU. They literally had everything mapped out for you. There was a list of every class you needed to take and what semester to take them. There was really no thinking involved, kind of awesome...but it kind of screwed me in the whole having to do things for myself aspect. Guess I'm going to have to learn then.

On a side note it's basically Christmas and I've already bought my boyfriend his present and it's AWESOME. So awesome. I mean really I went above and beyond what I probably should have done seeing as we've only been together for like 3 months and 2 of those months we weren't even dating, but I truly wanted him to have what I got him. For being a huge football fan he's NEVER been to a professional game so I'm taking him to the Browns Steelers game! They're 4th row seats....amazing. So excited and I hope he opts to take me. I mean, if he wants to take his best friend I won't be super offended....anyone else though I'll be pissed. He's a pretty awesome guy though so I wanted to get him something great and I feel like I did. He goes with me to Harry Potter at midnight, I reward him with amazing football tickets :)