the product of sleep deprivation...

Ever feel like you are just taking too much on yourself? You get stretched so thin that you find it hard just to keep afloat? That my friends is where I sit today. I'm on the losing end of a battle of emotions. With one hand I'm trying to move on and keep my emotional state intact and then with the other hand I'm trying to hold up my best friend here and make sure he is ok as well. I know what he's going through and I'm praying that he just lets God bring him to the otherside.

I just wish we could all get along really. I'm sick of people assuming that they know you because of what they see on myspace or facebook. I guess I'm kind of preaching to myself on that one. So many times I just write people off because of what I've heard and because of what she looks like. I'm so not ready to play these games anymore really. We're in college now. Look sweetheart. If you want him. You've got him. I won't play anymore. He's all yours.

its been one week.

Its amazing how many horrible/frusterating/amazingly wonderful things can happen in one week. I am so frusterated and so upset but by the grace of God I'm still finding ways to laugh and smile! lol We truely serve an amazing God. Throughout all this chaos I feel like He is standing right next to me holding me up by my armpits.

I took my first weekend trip home. So weird. Incredibly weird. I had been gone for one month and coming back was so surreal. I've never had a feeling like that and to experience it was so odd. I loved it though! It was just another sign of growing up and maturing. I know I'll never forget the lessons I've learned in Toledo. I'll never forget the people that influenced my life there, but I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that I'm no longer there. It was my time to leave and thank God I did.

I'm just happy at this place in life and for me to say that considering the week I've had so far is pretty impressive. God's working here. I'm not sure what exactly he's changing but I know he is. It sounds completely vague I'm aware but there is just some many things going on that usually would cause a breakdown for me and here I sit....smiling. It's an incredible feeling. Thank you Jesus.

night time ramblings

I don't really have anything relevant to say. Just a lot of blurbs or ramblings if you will.

Let me start off by saying I am completely envious of the writing skills of some of my peers. They are just great story tellers and when they write it sounds so....smart. Even if it is just a random sentence, it just sounds intelligence. Now I'm not stupid, but I'm not a beautiful writer. I wish I was. I wish that I had the talents of eloquent writing but unfortunately I don't have the skills or the vocabulary to do so. I guess that's the wonderful aspect of mediocrity.

Secondly, I wish I was a better person. I know I have the power to change but after years of acting the way I do I have a feeling that habits are going to be hard to break. I don't think I'm a horrible person. I think I'm actually pretty awesome at some points, but I have my down falls. For example, I'm quick to write people off, but it's people that I don't know very well. I'm big on first impressions. Make a bad first impression and I'm sorry son...you're out of there. Then I have those people in my life that just continually screw me over, constantly hurt me, and do nothing but use me and I put up with it. I don't understand what my thought process is on that. What is wrong with me? Love might have something to do with it. I care about these people so I put up with it even if it's emotionally draining for me. I'm not too sure if that's a good quality to have. Oh the joys of growing up.

Lastly, I miss my family. I'm immensely excited to have the oppurtunity to go home this weekend! Sadly some of the people I want to see most and that I would love to sit down and have a good heart to heart talk with won't be there. For example, my brothers. Justin knows my many romantic woes. He knows every aspect of every relationship I've been in. He knows when I'm being stupid and doesn't hesitate to tell me. However, most the time I choose not to listen to him and then of course I usually end up telling him he was completely right. And then there's Craig. He's emo, cynical, and incredibly sarcastic but he has one of the biggest hearts I know...atleast concerning his little sister :) He's basically a genius and so creative. I'm so jealous of him for that reason. I'm not creative. I'm crafty and that's about it. He's aweseome though and I miss him. Why is it these brothers of mine had to move away? Especially when I'm having "boyfriend fever" this is usually when I need their input the most. I guess a phone call will have to do...

gimme a man after midnight...

I want a boyfriend. I don't really know why but I just do. I miss the whole boyfriend aspect of life. I miss having someone to cuddle with. A boy to look forward to talking to everyday. Someone that'll listen to me complain when I'm having a bad day and then make a stupid joke to make me smile again. I just want a boyfriend. lol

the importance of being broken.

What is the importance of being broken? I honestly could not tell you. I don't know what is wrong. I don't know why I feel like this. I don't know why God is having me go through this rough patch but all I can say is I do not like it. I'm finding myself angry and upset and frusterated and just SO CONFUSED. Why is it that my spirit is broken?! I don't know what the cause of it is. I don't know what is wrong. I'm just kind of here wondering why God is having me feel so alone. I don't know what I'm supposed to be learning out of this. I'm not seeing the point.

"God always works with people where they are, doing for them what they need most"
^that seems to be the only source of encouragment right now.

quickly quickly quickly

just a quick update. today was the kick off to Summit which is IWU's spiritual emphasis week. we had a prayer and fellowship time in the end lounge and I can tell that God is working. He's doing something in me that I'm so thankful for. I still cannot tell you what exactly it is but i can tell you he's working. I was in a group tonight with three other girls and we all kind of just went around and shared and prayed together and each one of us has our own struggles that we're going through. I mean I told them how it has been hard this first week and they all kind of understood and I just kind of felt welcomed in to their circle. I don't want to sound critical or pessimistic but we'll see how long it lasts! I'm hoping that tonight was the begining of the end of my pity parties!

i hope you're proud...

I've been here at IWU for an official week and I have finally found people to relate to! I'm pretty sure being a transfer student is the hardest thing in the world. Everyone else has atleast a year up on you. They are all settled in with their friends and there you are. Just trying to fit in and find your niche. Thank God he's let me meet these two girls. I have a feeling that they might be my support system through this semester! I'm still hoping to make some new friends but I'm not retarded...I know it'll take some more time.

On another note. Love is really not in the cards for me apparently. Atleast not love with a person that isn't worth it. God knows who he wants me to end up with. And God also knows that patience isn't something that I'm very good at. I'm thinking that he's trying to teach me patience right now. Hopefully this will be an easy lesson to learn...but I'm thinking that like most lessons...it will be a hard battle.

one step at a time...

"...you wanna show the world but no one knows your name yet wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it you know you can if you get the chance in your face and the door keeps slamming now you're feeling more and more frusterated and you're getting all kind of impatient waiting we live and we learn to take one step at a time there's no need to rush it's like learning to fly or falling in love it's gonna happen and it's supposed to happen that we find the reasons why one step at a time..." - just a little exerpt from Jordin Spark's new song One Step At A Time. It's a new favorite of mine!

Well things are starting to get better. I'm taking more initiative and getting out there and being social. Tonight we had a block party outside my dorm and I karaoked with a couple girls off my unit and it was actually enjoyable! God's blessed me with the oppurtunity to be here and I want to make the most of each situation! I've got some great girls on my floor and shying away like i have been recently just isn't like me. I just need to put myself out there like I usually do. I don't know what's wrong with me other than I've been sulking in my pity party a little too long.

I have officially made it through my first round of classes and this semester doesn't seem like it will be too bad. My 7:50 is going to be a challenge and so will my 8:55 Old Testament. I mean I'm completely aware that every aspect of the Bible is important...however trying to read through the Old Testament will be well...difficult. If anything I'll learn something right? right. Good pep talk lol

the bittertaste of applesauce and toothpaste..

Well at the moment I'm supposed to be at my unit devotions, however I have NO clue where they are...and like a fool I didn't ask anyone cause I'm shy. Ok I'm not shy...maybe just a little too stubborn to ask for help. That's probably going to be my down fall here. I don't want to have to ask for help. I want to do everything on my own.

This week I've been trying to keep in touch with those that have already left for school. It seems that we come to the same conclusion. Once we have that core group of friends we'll be ok but until that happens we're kind of just...here. I know it takes time. You don't just instantly become best friends with somebody. I know all of this, but I still can't shake the feeling that I'm kind of just here. Existing. I'll get through it I'm sure and I do have some friends here which is helpful. I just don't like being that clingy be-my-friend girl...so here I sit. Alone in my dorm room listening to the giggles of the best friends outside my door. Am I pathetic or what? haha