blah!

Ok ok ok. Here we go again with random nonsense that's been on my mind. I can tell you've all missed it.

Is it naive to believe in a love that lasts forever? That two people can actually make it through everything life throws their way and stay together until death parts them? I honestly, truly believe that it's possible and I honestly want that for my life. I just feel like it's so rare to find that. Every where you look people think of marriage as a temporary institution. Divorce is so common. I just don't understand. See...divorce and marriage is a sticky topic. I have plenty of friends who's parents are divorced and I'm sure I'll eventually have friends that get divorced. It's not like a judgement thing. People have their reasons for ending their marriages and that's up to them. It's their lives and they are free to do what they wish with them. I guess I'm just a little sad. As much as I want to say I don't want to ever get divorced I can't necessarily say that I'll never be divorced. I can say that I will never file. I'm too stubborn. The day that I actually do decide to marry someone from my side of things, they're stuck with me. I can't say that they'll feel the same way though. I mean they could say "I don't believe in divorce" but who's to say they won't change their mind someday? The thought of that happening to me is just....really really scary. I already don't handle break ups well...and that's just in dating relationships. Imagine what a mess I would be after a marriage failure. Sheesh.

I'm sure I have more to say on the topic...and about love in general really, but alas I'm too tired to really articulate my thoughts. Guess you're just going to be left with a cliff hanger....

Over-sharing with the interwebs, which is exactly what I'm doing.

So sometimes I wonder if sometimes we (meaning I) over-share about my life. I mean for starters, there are very very few people in my personal life that actually know I blog so even if they did take the time to read through my posts, they're actually people I don't mind knowing things so it's all good. I guess I'm just thinking more along the lines of facebook and twitter. Now naturally it's not like I'm saying they're a bad thing because I use both religiously, but it's getting to the point where I'm starting to wonder if I'm just sharing way too much about my life. Like, maybe somethings are just better left unsaid. This whole topic makes me think of a quote from the movie Easy A.

"I don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every thought... but I can assure you, they're not all diamonds. "Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof." Who gives a rat's ass?"

And that little nugget is said by the "cool" teacher of sorts in the movie played by Thomas Haden Church, and for real, I kind of agree. I mean I get the need to have to say something and get it off your chest but I feel like we, myself included, just use facebook and twitter as a force field of sorts. The things that we say on facebook and twitter are usually things that we don't have the balls to say in person or they're passive aggressive pokes and jabs at people that just pissed us off for the day. I don't know. I guess I'm just talking out of my butt here but sometimes I just wonder if I share far too much about my personal life with the interwebs and strangers that I've obviously never met, hence the term strangers. Now with most social networks you obviously have some level of "security" to protect your personal information but it's still possible to get hacked and such. Then there's the whole idea that you're sharing information with your "friends" but let's be real....how many of us are actually really good, super close friends with at least half of our facebook friends? Facebook is just a way to creep on other people's lives and pretend you're still friends when you 'like' their status or photo or whatever else they decide to post. Yeah it's great for networking, but for forming lifelong, actual friendships not so much. That needs to be done, you know...in real life. I guess I'm just trying to decide if I want a time out from facebook or not. To be honest, I don't know if I even had the balls to do it. Guess we'll see.

wahhhhh

So this is just going to be me whining ok? good. Glad we agree that it's ok and since I'm pretty sure not a lot of people read this so I don't plan to be super vague, especially since I can go back and edit it or delete it if I need to. Right now I just need to get this out.

Sooo there's this boy. He's been around for a little while....like 10 months or so. Now this boy is extremely adorable, extremely intelligent, and extremely fun to be around. Sounds like a match made in heaven right? Most days, yes. Lately...not so much. I get that we're two very very different people...for the most part that's why we work well together. That whole balancing each other out thing. But then we have are days when it's like BAM. you're VERY different. Now I'm not even going to try and say that everything is 100% his fault, because it's not. I panic easily. I over-analyze. I have a chronic need to try and fix everything. Those are my flaws. His biggest flaw (in my eyes) is the fact that when it comes to me, he doesn't argue or talk about relationship stuff. So when we're fighting or we disagree about something what would be a small disagreement turns into a fairly big argument that lasts days. It's annoying, really really annoying. Especially since arguing with a significant other is among my LEAST favorite things in the entire world. I know I need to just relax sometimes and realize that I just can't fix everything. Like in my head I know that, in reality I can't make myself do it. In order for me to relax I have to turn my phone off and leave it at home to even try and take my minds off things, but then that leads to a whole different level of anxiety that I won't have my phone on me if someone needs me. I'm crazy. Completely and entirely crazy. The anxiety technology brings sometimes is just too much, but I can't live without it. I just remember the days in jr. high and early high school before I had a cell phone when we used HOME phones. Heaven forbid right? Whenever I wanted to talk to my boyfriend at the time I called his house and we talked or he called my house and we talked. Now I'm old enough to have a cell phone and instead of using that for you know calling people, all we do now is text. Now texting is great, and it sucks. With texting you get zero vocal recognition so something that doesn't sound mean or angry could be read that way depending on the mood of the reader. So of course, when you're a raging crazy like I am at times you can see the mess it can create. Especially when that boy mentioned earlier that doesn't like to talk about relationship stuff also doesn't like to talk on the phone, so everything is through texting. See my dilema? See why I need to whine? See why I'm a raging nut case? Good. Me too.

head -vs- heart pt. 2

relates to the last post huh?

head -vs- heart

I think that may be the biggest fight of life. What should you listen to when it really comes down to it....your head? or your heart? Surely there must be a middle ground between the two but I'm pretty sure that would be your nose or your mouth so it would just end up with me smelling and eating everything so that's no good. But seriously, when it comes down to the hard things it's difficult to know which way to go. Countless songs and quotes tell you to listen to your heart, be true to your heart, follow your heart...etc. Then there's other songs and quotes to the opposite affect. Use your head, think things through...etc. Maybe you're just supposed to do both, depending on the situation and which one is applicable. You would think that at 22 years old I would have this stuff figured out. If only life got easier with time, instead it just gets harder, more complicated, and more frustrating.

bugs on the windshield

I feel like I focus way too much on little things and I don't look at the big picture. This ranges from school things, work things, and my relationships. I try to see things big picture, and when I'm giving advice to people I can see their problems big picture. It's just when it comes to my own that I just get stuck on one thing. On an itty bitty, teeny tiny, unimportant thing. I think I should point out I'm not really speaking in specifics. Nothing has really happened lately so I guess I'm just vaguebooking. It's like when you're driving down the highway and a mosquito hits your windshield and that's all you can focus on. That little speck of guts in the middle of your windshield is all you see. Not the open clear happy spaces that are squeaky clean. Not the open road in front of you...just the small smear on the windshield. It's definitely something that's been on my mind lately...and probably something I should..you know, work on.

Am I The Only One?

Am I the only one that just goes insane when she's around people too much? I don't know what's happened. It used to be the total opposite. I thrived on being around people. They gave me energy, happiness, confidence...now I spend too much time with people and I'm running the opposite direction. I've finally reached a limit. The past week and a half I've spent almost all my time with groups of people and it's left me drained and exhausted. Yeah, I love all the people I was with and we had tons of fun together but I just feel like I'd reached a breaking point. That realization came last night when I was just a grouch while I was around people. It was totally unfair for me to act the way I was acting and I ended up apologizing for my childish whining and actions the night before so we'll see if forgiveness is in my future...however, seeing as I apologized early this morning and I have yet to hear back I'm assuming I'm in more trouble than I previously assumed. Oh goodie.

I just needed a day, and I took that day today. I did my own thing, relaxed, and just did me. I got some exercise in, some presents finished, cards made, and musicals listened to. Overall, it was just a good day to recharge. Now it's off for a 4 straight days of working, dealing with people, bad attitudes, and bad tips. I'm going to try and remember how great today was in order to make it through. Guess we'll see how far I'll make it.

Well since my last post you'll see that Chelsea's wedding has come and gone. She looked absolutely radiant. I'm lucky to call such a kind, smart, and beautiful woman my best friend. I look back to that day and I try and think about what she must have been feeling. She seemed completely confidant, calm, cool, and collective. She was so excited to walk down the aisle to Chris, his unconditional love, and their future. What that must've felt like, man...I'm telling you, part of me can't wait to get married. There is another part of me that's terrified. Not because I don't want the happily ever after, but because I've been scarred. I know I talk about it a lot and that I should really just shut up and move on. Trust me...this I know. It's that fear of being that vulnerable with someone again just kind of over takes me sometimes. Things will be going great, absolutely, positively wonderful.....then BAM! Smacks me over the head like a 2 by 4. Love. To know that I feel it is a great thing, but to know that someone else might not, that vulnerability, the possibility of rejection. All those things just make my stomach turn. To know that one person holds that key to a part of happiness and to not know how it happened, or how you've gotten to that point again, it's just mind boggling....

Seriously though. How did I get here again? How did this happen! He some how snuck under my radar and climbed my wall and now here we are. On the cusps of love...at least from my perspective. I haven't the slightest clue where he stands in all this. Clearly we haven't dropped the "love" bomb yet. We're coming up on 9 months together and I'm glad that we haven't rushed anything. We're just bidding our time, enjoying what we have while we have it. I don't know what's happened or how I got to this point. I mean, I've had sneaking suspicions and hints of love for a few months now, and like I said earlier it's kind of just been a 2 by 4 kind of moment...and here I am. Over-joyed mixed with terrified. Over-joyed because I didn't know if I would ever feel the same way I felt before and terrified because I'm potentially setting myself up for serious, painful, and awful heartbreak. I guess it comes with the territory now....

Mmmkay, tangent....well sort of. This has been a kind of weird week for me. Like obviously there's been the whole 2 by 4 realization as noted above, and then there has been some fierce missing of my friends back in Indiana. Now there's the story, and judge me as you will. One of those friends was supposed to come stay with me Wednesday night then we would hang out Thrusday. Well, when I brought it up with the boy he was less than thrilled, understandably so. It wasn't that I couldn't hang out with my friend, it was the slumber part aspect of it so instead of asking my friend to get a hotel that I knew he couldn't afford I was straight up with him and told him what had happened and that I'd have to cancel on him because he wasn't comfortable with it and he said he understood and that we were peachy....except for the fact he's treated me essentially like crap for the rest of the week. So I don't want to be fighting with one of my best friends, so I confront him about it and again he says everything's fine...we're all good...then again, more crap. I just don't know how process it. Like I shouldn't "give up" on my friends just because I have a boyfriend, but why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't I just have both? Maybe I'm the one that's forcing myself to choose. Neither one of these boys has said it's-me-or-him...but I feel like I'm being pulled back and forth. I've got to stop putting all this pressure on myself...que serra right? Whatever will be will be. But maybe, just maybe I don't need the whole world to love me, just that one person.

9 days.

9 Days. That's all we have left before my best friend walks down the aisle to her future. I'm so excited for her and I can't wait to see what's in store! It's crunch time now though. I went with her to the final dress fitting today and learned how to bustle! So exciting right? Oh the duties of a maid of honor. My speech is coming along, slowly but surely. I figure I'll keep it short and sweet, maybe add in a little anecdote about Chris' first kiss...you know the exciting stuff that weddings are made of....needless to say, 9 days. I have to get my butt in gear!

So this week I had the wonderful opportunity to see the one and only Michael Buble in concert! This was my second time seeing him and he is just so incredible! By far he is one of the best performers I've ever seen. Anytime he is close enough for me to see his show, I will. AND did I mention I got to touch him! AHHHH so fantastic. He's amazing and I love him.

Leaving and Freedom.

I get like this every few months or so. I just get to the point where I want to leave and run away. Whether it's run away from my problems or from people, I just want to get out of Ohio and run. Just go somewhere new, start fresh and get an actual do-over. It all sounds so dramatic and I don't really mean for it to be, sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with my surroundings and I just have to get out. The annoying thing is though, all it is is talk....no actions. I can never follow through with it. For a while last year I was dead set on leaving America for a year. Just taking off on a plane and finding a nanny job in England, yet here I sit....in my bed....in Ohio. All it is, is talk. All the time I spend thinking about leaving and planning out what I would actually be doing if I could get the balls to follow through with it is just...kind of wasted....

They make the whole thing sound so easy in songs. Maybe that's why I think about it all the time....it's that damn country music I love so much. Dierks Bentley made a living off of songs about drifting, leaving, and running...It sounds so beautiful. I mean don't get me wrong, it sounds lonely as hell sometimes but the idea of freedom and only worrying about yourself sounds so freeing and just beautiful. Drifting from town to town, just meeting new people, making new friends and just starting over with every move.

It's possible that I do this entirely to myself. That I just take everyone else's cares and woes upon myself until I just get so weighted and rundown that I just want to drop everything and run away. Luckily for me I'm fairly irresponsible with money so I never have the money to just literally drop everything and up and move to a different city, state, or heaven forbid, country. Sometimes I just wish I could start over. Not have to live up to every one else's standards for myself...not have to paste a smile on my face and pretend that I'm not totally broken on the inside. The idea of not having to think about everyone else's feelings and how every decision I make will be judged and picked apart just sounds so amazing, so free. Maybe it's the freedom of drifting that I long for so much. The freedom to come and go as I please, to just have the space I need to be the REAL me. Not the candy-coated version I have to show people. Sometimes I really think I'm fooling people. I trick them into thinking that I'm this happy-go-lucky girl that can take on anything, when in reality the littlest things can take me down and destroy me. I don't mean to sound so emo, things just get a little tricky to navigate sometimes....

I think I just need to accept that for the most part, my decisions will never be good enough for certain people. I'm always going to be the screw up. I'm always going to be the one that drops the ball and let's the "good guy" or the "good job" or the "perfect opportunity" get away. Procrastination, imperfection, and laziness will forever plague me and as much as I want to change and as much as I've already changed in comparison to past years, it's still not enough. I guess it just sucks when you're told your choices are foolish and every adjective used to describe your choices are used to describe you as well....foolish, irresponsible, childish, stupid, dumb....I think you get the idea. It does wonders for your outlook let me tell you.

My conclusion : I'm never going to be good enough for certain people, hence the appeal for drifting and leaving. I'll be gone without a trace. The critics won't know where I am and the only ones that matter will get enough letters and phone calls to know I'm alive and safe. Maybe I just have a little patch of a gypsy soul in me, maybe I'm a little sensitive and a little bit of a quitter. Call it what you will but the idea of just drifting through sounds too beautiful to pass up sometimes...but at this point in time, for the sake of my bank account...I have to.

I'm a Rambling Lass

Alright...let's try and write this out.

These past few days have been confusing and my mind is running a million miles a minute, prepare for many ramblings.

It makes me think of John Green and An Abundance of Katherines. The only thing my mind can seem to process right now is the Dumper/Dumpee paradox. Is one always one or the other? Or is it possible to be both. I've always been the dumpee, never the dumper. It may just be because I get too attached. Maybe I'm just naive enough to think they'll grow up or change. Maybe it's because I'm so freaking stubborn that I think that it's just a phase and if we power through we'll come out on the other side closer and stronger. I just don't understand somethings anymore but I'm not about to air out all my dirty laundry at the risk of who could potentially be reading.

Why is money so important? I get it purpose really, but I guess I don't understand the stress of it all. I mean trust me, money is one of the biggest things I stress about. It's ridiculous and it's stressful and it sucks. So annoying and so frustrating.

Frost/Nixon : fantastic movie. love it. love the history of it all. I wish I would have been alive during the time. Nixon was clearly disturbed and paranoid and all around kind of a loon, and to see a British reporter come in and basically take him down and get that explanation that the American people wanted. Amazingly epic. It kind of gives me a nerdgasm.

and finally.

DISC GOLF. I suck, so so so terribly bad. I made boyfriend and I lose. Not very good.

6 month's come and gone....

Almost 6 months later, and here I am again! I could bore you all with the lame details but how about a general overview?

Well what have I been up to you ask? SCHOOL. SCHOOL. and you guessed it! MORE SCHOOL. I sound like I'm whining and while yes, part of me is just because it's finals week, I have LOVED school. The weekly routine was definitely missed. I love that each week everything was planned but my schedule was still free enough to where I didn't feel like my brains would explode every day. I've also decided that I might have the easiest major in the world. That could also have something to do with the fact that I am a gigantic nerd and absolutely love history. Most people don't understand why I love it so much. When I tell them my major they just look at me like I'm crazy but that's ok...we've all got our thing, history's just mine. Sad to say, however, school is quickly drawing to an end. Finals week is upon us and I'm one final down....one more to go until I'm done with another year of school. That means I'll have plenty of time for the other thing that's kept me away from you blogger.....

WORK. While I understand that I'm very lucky to have a job right now, I sometimes wonder why I'm there. Why do I choose to wait tables five days a week? In what world did I think it would be smart to be in another customer service job? In reality I'm a college student...pretty much any job for me right now is going to be a customer service job. I've done it before and I can do it again. And here comes my rant....someone please explain to me why it's ok for people to be rude. Honestly, I get that you're hungry but if you see that I'm running around doing things for my 4 other tables don't snap your fingers at me, mean mug me, then roll your eyes at me when I explain why you don't have the tortillas you didn't ask for. I am not a mind reader. I am your server. If you tell me what you need I'll get it for you. Don't expect me to just automatically know you loons.

and finally the last thing that's kept me away...BOYFRIEND.

Oh boyfriend...where to begin. He's fantastic, insane, silly, sweet, and just so precious. I'm a lucky little lady. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like our relationship is all unicorns and rainbows, we have our moments and sometimes our moments are pretty intense. It all comes full circle though and clearly works out for the better. Sometimes the easiest way for me to describe relationships is through words that are not my own...like this for example...

"...bottom line, couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship everytime, if it's right and they're really lucky, one of them will say something..."

That little nugget was taken from an episode of scrubs and it's entirely true. If you're right for each other the crap won't take you down. Someone will fight for that relationship. It's encouraging to think about really. I love the quote. LOVE it.

Well there you go. You're caught up on my life. You're welcome. I'm sure you've been sitting on the edge of you seat waiting for a post. I probably just made your day. again...you're welcome.