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Well since my last post you'll see that Chelsea's wedding has come and gone. She looked absolutely radiant. I'm lucky to call such a kind, smart, and beautiful woman my best friend. I look back to that day and I try and think about what she must have been feeling. She seemed completely confidant, calm, cool, and collective. She was so excited to walk down the aisle to Chris, his unconditional love, and their future. What that must've felt like, man...I'm telling you, part of me can't wait to get married. There is another part of me that's terrified. Not because I don't want the happily ever after, but because I've been scarred. I know I talk about it a lot and that I should really just shut up and move on. Trust me...this I know. It's that fear of being that vulnerable with someone again just kind of over takes me sometimes. Things will be going great, absolutely, positively wonderful.....then BAM! Smacks me over the head like a 2 by 4. Love. To know that I feel it is a great thing, but to know that someone else might not, that vulnerability, the possibility of rejection. All those things just make my stomach turn. To know that one person holds that key to a part of happiness and to not know how it happened, or how you've gotten to that point again, it's just mind boggling....

Seriously though. How did I get here again? How did this happen! He some how snuck under my radar and climbed my wall and now here we are. On the cusps of love...at least from my perspective. I haven't the slightest clue where he stands in all this. Clearly we haven't dropped the "love" bomb yet. We're coming up on 9 months together and I'm glad that we haven't rushed anything. We're just bidding our time, enjoying what we have while we have it. I don't know what's happened or how I got to this point. I mean, I've had sneaking suspicions and hints of love for a few months now, and like I said earlier it's kind of just been a 2 by 4 kind of moment...and here I am. Over-joyed mixed with terrified. Over-joyed because I didn't know if I would ever feel the same way I felt before and terrified because I'm potentially setting myself up for serious, painful, and awful heartbreak. I guess it comes with the territory now....

Mmmkay, tangent....well sort of. This has been a kind of weird week for me. Like obviously there's been the whole 2 by 4 realization as noted above, and then there has been some fierce missing of my friends back in Indiana. Now there's the story, and judge me as you will. One of those friends was supposed to come stay with me Wednesday night then we would hang out Thrusday. Well, when I brought it up with the boy he was less than thrilled, understandably so. It wasn't that I couldn't hang out with my friend, it was the slumber part aspect of it so instead of asking my friend to get a hotel that I knew he couldn't afford I was straight up with him and told him what had happened and that I'd have to cancel on him because he wasn't comfortable with it and he said he understood and that we were peachy....except for the fact he's treated me essentially like crap for the rest of the week. So I don't want to be fighting with one of my best friends, so I confront him about it and again he says everything's fine...we're all good...then again, more crap. I just don't know how process it. Like I shouldn't "give up" on my friends just because I have a boyfriend, but why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't I just have both? Maybe I'm the one that's forcing myself to choose. Neither one of these boys has said it's-me-or-him...but I feel like I'm being pulled back and forth. I've got to stop putting all this pressure on myself...que serra right? Whatever will be will be. But maybe, just maybe I don't need the whole world to love me, just that one person.