Things shouldn't be this hard. There shouldn't be this many things that go wrong. Am I trying too hard to make the puzzle piece fit? Is this all me trying to do what I want? Is this really your will for my life right now? Why can't I seem to understand what's going on. Am I being too stubborn and too dense? Am I just over-analyzing every situation? OK, so I'm a spoonful of crazy at times. There are things that I just over-analyze and draw conclusions that aren't necessarily true. I don't gather all the facts and I just go off of what I think or feel. I just don't want to be lied to again. I don't want to fall into that trap, that never ending hole where I just sink deeper and deeper and deeper to the point I don't know which way is up. I don't want to keep falling and avoid all the warning signs if they indeed are warning signs. I get that we're two different people with two different sets of baggage. Going in to anything each person brings their baggage. I get that...it doesn't scare me. I don't want to change him. He's made it perfectly clear he won't change for anyone and I understand no one is perfect. There is no human on the face of the earth that is perfect. It's just I'm just unsure if the differences between the two of us are "deal breakers" or if they can we worked through. Is it all just communication error or is it something much deeper?
We agree on the same morals. We both love God. We both agree on where we draw the line. We both enjoy each others company...we're just two different people with two different ways of communicating. Failure to communicate can easily become bad news bears. I don't know if I would classify it as a "failure" though. That's such a harsh word...we're just different.
People always told me being different was a "good" thing. You're not like everyone else. Yeah. Cool. Everyone is different. Sometimes I wish that people were the same across the board. It would make things a little easier. I don't enjoy trying to figure people out, read their motives and intentions. I especially don't enjoy that nagging voice inside my head or the aching feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad is going to happen. Why is it that words and actions don't always match up? Maybe if they did, I wouldn't be in this current situation.
God. Help me. I really need you now.
