Raindrops bring Reflection.

It's 2:30 a.m. and I'm laying here in bed listening to the rain outside and my thoughts begin to drift. I start to think back to my jr. high years, my high school years, and the few years of college I have under my belt. What have I really accomplished? Yeah, I have my high school diploma. Super duper. It's a piece of paper...it hardly counts for anything. I spent most of my time for the past 6 years living for no one but myself. When did I become so selfish? So self-centered? Maybe I'm just being really hard on myself but it's been one of those days where I just examine and possibly over-analyze my life.

Jr. high was a mess. No good memories come from jr. high. I was a horrible little monster constantly getting in to trouble. I ran my mouth more than I should have and I had a tendency to tear people down just for kicks and giggles. I was 12. It's not exactly a good foundation for a promising high school career.

High school wasn't as much of a mess. It was actually pretty enjoyable. I still ran my mouth more than I should have. I still got in to some bits of trouble thanks to Miss Daniels and gym class but Mr. Flamm and I came to an understanding about the whole ordeal. She played favorites and I was NOT on that list due to stealing and hiding her stool everyday in freshman health class. I have to say I would still consider myself to be a "mean girl" in high school. People called us "The Plastics". We each had our own designated fictional character from the movie to go along with our real lives. We being my 3 best friends and me in case I didn't establish that earlier. Come to think of it, our friendship almost ended because someone didn't appreciate being called Karen because she wanted to be Regina. Apparently she felt she was the meanest of the group. Some how I don't see how that's something to be proud of or something to strive for but it was high school. Who can honestly say they didn't screw up in high school.

This brings us to college. I have 2 years under my belt. The first year I accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. My study habits were horrible, my grades were terrible and I barely went to class. I hated college. I hated the University of Toledo. I wasn't plugged in and I definitely did not want to join the Greek life like most of my friends did. I was looking for my way out of Toledo. Everyday praying for my escape then I found it. Indiana Wesleyan University was basically my salvation. So much went down while I was there. So many things changed for me. I was no longer the popular girl that everyone knew. No one knew me. I was a nameless face they passed in the hallway. A pair of eyes they'd see when they took my sandwich order at Wildcat. I was a nobody. A feeling I don't think I've ever felt...atleast not since kindergarten. That was the beautiful thing about private school. I was the new kid when I was 4 when I started kindergarten but when you're 4 everyone is new. Since that day I had never gone anywhere by myself without my friends. Being the odd man out was a strange feeling, one that I was not used to or ready for. Thankfully God did a lot in my life while I was at IWU. He showed me a lot of things about myself that needed to change and while I was there things did change but then I came home. By coming home I feel like I've fallen into the same pitfalls again. I'm becoming that mean, selfish, and proud girl from high school. That's not where I want to be. That's not who I want to be come. I am not who I was.

So why is it that despite being a different person now I'm falling backwards in to the same old crap? The constant need for attention. Only doing things to have someone tell me 'good job' as opposed to doing them because they needed to be done. Why do I need the validation from people that in the larger scale of things don't really matter? When did I get here and how do I get to where I need to be. These are my questions and I could really use some answers.

it's a teenie weenie itty bitty baby post.

This is going to be an itty bitty post because 1.) it's almost 2 a.m. and 2.) I'm a wee bit tired from a long weekend.

I missed church today. I don't really like that especially since right now I'm really just searching to try and figure out what's really going on with my life. I find myself confused a lot of the time. I see myself becoming someone I don't want to be and I haven't really done much to stop it. I'm slowly watching myself fade into this new person. Still the nice girl but someone who seems to put God on the back burner. Someone who doesn't act any different from the rest of the world. That's not who I'm called to be. That's not what God wants me to be. I know that yet I have done nothing to stop it. Where did this apathy come from? Where is my passion for my faith? Where did it all go and how can I get it back because I don't want to drift further and further away.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. There are loads of things that need to be fixed. Oh issues, why must there be so many of you in my life and why must you be so hard to fix.

Sometimes, the answer is no.

"Make no mistake every prayer you ever pray gets answered even though sometimes the answer is no....When I think of all the answers in my life I would have to say there's no doubt it was always for the best when I didn't get my way." - Brad Paisley

Well I got my answer. God said no. I'm not going to lie and pretend like I'm not a little disappointed. Sometime I get so lost and focused on what I want. I get a little wrapped up in my plans and possibilities and I completely forget about my purpose for being here. This is not my life. God has me here for His purpose and despite what I may think sometimes, my way is not His way. My way is rarely His way. Someday I'm sure I'll get the hang of this and finally realize that it's easier for me to just follow Him than run ahead to the fork in the road and choose the easiest or the less lonely path. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. How many times will I make the same stupid choices? Without bragging about myself, I will say I've gotten a little bit better, and when I say little bit I'm talking minuscule. You can barely see a difference but there is a little part of me that was holding back until I knew it was right.

Here's another one of my issues. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine. I have a tendency to just go for the quick fix instead of waiting for something. One would think that being as apathetic as I am towards life I wouldn't mind waiting for something and to an extent this is true. I go through phases of being okay with my lot in life and where I am but then something happens or typically someone enters my life and everything gets turned upside down. I begin to actually care. I don't typically care about my life, but about the well-being of the other person, about their life. Then it all comes crashing down in a fiery downward spiral and I'm left mad at myself for letting this all happen again. One would think I would know better by now. So now I'm just trying to get back to that state of being okay with where I am. Not necessarily the apathy, but the contentment. I was there, then this all happened and even though I was unsure of what was going on and what God's plan was, it doesn't mean I wasn't excited about a potential future or the possibilities that would come with a new relationship. It's okay though. I'm just glad that God finally gave me my answer and that I can just let go and move on with my life.

Also, I don't want this to come across as I'm this bitter, angry chick because that isn't really the case. As you can see in previous posts I was having my own uncertainties about the whole thing and I completely understand his point of view of things. I get it...it's cool. Sometimes things just don't work out. I'm just hoping that the awkwardness that was encountered last night isn't how it's going to be because then Houston, we have a problem. Guess this is what I get for falling for someone at work huh. Shoulda, coulda, woulda....

It's a Two-fer.

This comes in two parts and they might contradict themselves. My life is full of contradictions...please forgive me.

First thing on my mind is a dream. My "dream life" if you will. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that I love country music. In loving country music I've also fallen in love with the small town, simple, country life. I would love to live down in a small town in Tennessee. Possibly someday buy a farm or have some land, back porch swing where the gentle breeze blows through my hair as I share the moment with my down home southern man. This is when I think that country music has kind of poisoned me. The southern man that I fantasize over is the one that's describe in any country song. Take Guys Like Me by Eric Church for example. He's a hardworking man, a little rough around the edges and would never take his woman for granted. Another good one that makes me swoon that's a little more recent. Easton Corbin's A Little More Country Than That is amazing. He describes that small town life I would love to have. The dirt road, the fishing, the old ratty hat that's always on my man's head, the honesty and the love. These are all things I dream of having someday. The man that would never take me for granted. The one that's thankful for all the things I do for him. The guy that will sit with me on the back porch someday and watch the sun set with the comfortable silence hanging in the air as the slightest breeze carries the summer smells of honeysuckle and jasmine in the night air. Yeah, this is my dream. Forget the big cities with their noise. Give me cornfields and Friday night football games. If only if only...

This brings me to my second thought. How many people actually end up with their "dream" person? I mean let's be realistic here...you kind of can't help who you fall for. What if I fall for someone who wants to move to New York City or LA? Am I just going to not even give them a chance because we don't share the same country living mentality? I mean it's not that I hate the city. I could live the city. I've lived in a city my entire life. I mean Toledo is no thriving metropolis but it's still a city none the less. It just makes me think. There are all those people that say when they met "THE ONE" they just knew. What the heck does that even mean? I truly don't think I'll be one of those people that "just knows". I don't trust my thoughts anymore. I thought I knew before...I was wrong. I thought I knew the time before that too...what do you know, I was wrong. I'm like the girl that cried husband. It's not like I'm in a huge rush or hurry to scoot down the aisle. Yeah I'd like to be married someday and spit out a few babies...maybe have a dog and a hamster. You know...the American dream. In order to get to that dream though I need to kind of pa ruse the pickings a little bit. I've found one I like but like I stated earlier. I have a really hard time trusting myself these days. Things haven't gone as smoothly as I would have liked. I find myself praying about it a lot and just asking God what's going on. Is he trying to get my attention by throwing up all these road blocks? Is he trying to tell me to run the other direction and not look back? Or is he trying to tell me to just mellow out, shift it in to neutral and just cruise? The more I ask the more silent He seems to be on the matter. It makes me question though if He's whispered his answer to me and I just haven't heard him. I have a tendency to talk too loud and shout while God's trying to tell me something. I'm not very good and just shutting up and listening. I'm a work in progress. Don't mind me...I'll hopefully get it eventually.

God, I want to be ready for your whisper. I pray that I'll hear you when you call and that either way I'll trust your good and perfect will for my life. At the end of the day, you'll never leave me and I don't need anything else but you. Everything else you give me is just a blessing and I appreciate everything and everyone you've blessed me with. I pray that I'll be receptive to what it is you have to say Lord. Open my eyes, my heart, and my ears to your voice.

The Prayer of an Uncertain Girl.

God, in all things you are there. In every situation you know the outcome. I just pray that as I go through this time of worry and doubt that I'll remember no matter what the circumstance YOU are in control. You know exactly what tomorrow will bring. You know exactly what next year will bring. I pray that I'll seek your will and seek your face through it all. Show me the way Lord. Show me through this time of uncertainty.

Things shouldn't be this hard. There shouldn't be this many things that go wrong. Am I trying too hard to make the puzzle piece fit? Is this all me trying to do what I want? Is this really your will for my life right now? Why can't I seem to understand what's going on. Am I being too stubborn and too dense? Am I just over-analyzing every situation? OK, so I'm a spoonful of crazy at times. There are things that I just over-analyze and draw conclusions that aren't necessarily true. I don't gather all the facts and I just go off of what I think or feel. I just don't want to be lied to again. I don't want to fall into that trap, that never ending hole where I just sink deeper and deeper and deeper to the point I don't know which way is up. I don't want to keep falling and avoid all the warning signs if they indeed are warning signs. I get that we're two different people with two different sets of baggage. Going in to anything each person brings their baggage. I get that...it doesn't scare me. I don't want to change him. He's made it perfectly clear he won't change for anyone and I understand no one is perfect. There is no human on the face of the earth that is perfect. It's just I'm just unsure if the differences between the two of us are "deal breakers" or if they can we worked through. Is it all just communication error or is it something much deeper?

We agree on the same morals. We both love God. We both agree on where we draw the line. We both enjoy each others company...we're just two different people with two different ways of communicating. Failure to communicate can easily become bad news bears. I don't know if I would classify it as a "failure" though. That's such a harsh word...we're just different.

People always told me being different was a "good" thing. You're not like everyone else. Yeah. Cool. Everyone is different. Sometimes I wish that people were the same across the board. It would make things a little easier. I don't enjoy trying to figure people out, read their motives and intentions. I especially don't enjoy that nagging voice inside my head or the aching feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad is going to happen. Why is it that words and actions don't always match up? Maybe if they did, I wouldn't be in this current situation.

God. Help me. I really need you now.

In the Stillness, In the Quiet.

In the quiet, in the stillness, I know that you are God. In the secret of your presence, I know there I am restored. - None But Jesus, Hillsong

Sometimes I think I'm just afraid to be quiet. I'm a loud girl and when I say loud I mean like girl from Jersey, large Italian family loud except I'm from Ohio and I'm Korean. So basically I'm just really loud and have nothing to do with Jersey or Italians. Well now that we've established that we can move on. When I think about my life I'm just surrounded by noise and in being surrounded by noise I get so easily distracted. The ticking of the clock reminds me I'm running late for work. The honking of car horns reminds me that green means GO. The constant clanging, banging, and general loudness of working in a restaurant reminds me that CRAP! I have to run rice to 64, get refills for 63, greet 53 and run plates to the grill and refill their water bottles all in 5 minutes. Noise tends to mean stress for me yet I can't seem to just be quiet. What concerns me is if I'm not taking the time to actually be quiet, how am I going to hear God? I mean God has plenty of ways of getting my attention but He doesn't always speak with neon signs. Sometimes it's the faintest whisper but in my current state in a world full of noise that soft, sweet whisper of encouragement, hope or reassurance can quickly and effectively be drowned out. I need to hear His whispers. I need to shut my mouth, open my ears and just be quiet. In the stillness of God's presence I'm restored. When I'm running around like a crazy person I need that rest and restoration. I need the quiet. It's time for me to sit down, shut up, and listen up.

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for YOU ALONE, O Lord, will keep me safe." - Psalm 4:8

It begins with indifference and trails from there

"The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And if you hate me that means you still care and we're still connected and I still have a chance to set you right." - Desperate Housewives

It's been a long day. A very very long day. And it's been the kind of day where I kind of can't do anything expect look to God and ask, what on earth did I do that brought a day like this upon me? I don't want to play the victim because honestly whining about it isn't going to solve anything. I need to find a solution, or atleast figure out how I feel about the situation.

I know that God has given me the family I have for a reason. They're nosy. They're opinionated. They're involved. I know all these things and I appreciate them for the most part. What I don't understand is why it is things never ever ever go the way I plan for them to. The "hazing" of sorts they use to initiate a new person in to our family is getting a little out of hand. I realize they want to weed out the ones that aren't "good" for me. They do it because they care, but there needs to be a line. Apparently we're still looking for that line.

God made me very different from my sister. I'm not better than she is, she's not better than I am. We're just very very different. I love her to death. I truly do, but I don't always agree with her. I will always listen to what she has to say but I'm a big girl now. I'm 20 years old and I'm not saying I have everything figured out because I don't. God has a totally different plan for me compared to the plan He has for her. That's just life. So what I don't understand is why she feels the need to tell me how she would do things. She was engaged at 19, married at 20, pregnant at 21. That was God's plan for her. I'm 20 years old. I'm not in school, I don't even know where I'm going to go in the fall. I've met someone but I'm not rushing in to marrying him anytime soon. We're still getting to know each other. This is just the beginning of what could be a great relationship. We've just seemed to hit a speed bump.

I keep thinking back to the Armor of God post I posted forever ago while I was still at IWU. Satan knows where to attack me. He knows where I begin to doubt myself and doubt the decisions I've made in the past. I know that I haven't always made the smartest choices or chosen the "right" person and he knows I know. I feel like it's easy for him to attack me there. It's easy for other people to say things that hit me in my tender spot. I'm not saying it isn't true. It's entirely true, but I'm in the healing process. There are still scars left by the jerks. There will always be scars. I'm insecure about them and I don't like talking about it. No one likes when their flaws are pointed out to them especially when they know they made a mistake and messed up. So my family doubts my ability in choosing men. I've chosen some real losers, I know. I don't always make good decisions. I'm not a perfect person. I'm a flawed human that makes stupid decisions, but that doesn't mean God can't work in those situations. If I'm always doubting my choices I'll never be able to decide anything for myself. I'll never be able to live the kind of life I want to live. I want God to use me in the ways he sees fit. Other people's opinions can't weigh me down. Jesus is my living hope and my eternal joy. At the end of the day, even if everyone in the world abandons me, God never will. He is full of grace and truth and no matter what stupid choice I make He will still love me. He never promises this life will be easy but He does promise He will never leave me alone to deal with it.

God I'm so thankful for your promises. I love that you love me enough to never leave me and be with me in every situation. I ask that you guide me in the direction YOU would have me go. This life you've blessed me with is YOURS. If that means I spend my life single, may your will be done. If that means you bring someone in my life Lord, may YOUR will be done.