paper dolls in a paper town.

This little angel is my new kitten. Her name is Margo Roth Spiegelman named after one of my literary heroines from John Green's book Paper Towns. Currently I'm re-reading it for like...the millionth time and in true John Green fashion, he's got me thinking about things because that's just what John does. In his books, in his video blogs on youtube, in (some of) his tweets, his actual blog posts John always finds a way to get me thinking about life. Basically, John is made of awesome.

I'm going to type out an excerpt from paper towns that got me thinking. Here's the scene...Margo and Quentin have just rained hell on their enemies and their in downtown Orlando in an office building looking out at the city...

"It's more impressive." I said out loud. "From a distance I mean." You can't see the wear on things you know? You can't see the rust or the weeds or the paint cracking. You see the place as someone imagined it." [Quentin] "Everything's uglier close up," she said. "Not you," I answered before thinking better of it. Her forehead still against the glass, she turned to me and smiled. "Here's a tip: you're cute when you're confident. And less when you're not." Before I had a chance to say anything, here eyes went back to the view and she started talking. "Here's what's not beautiful about it: from here, you can't see the rust or the cracked paint or whatever, but you can tell what the place really is. You see how fake it all is. It's not even hard enough to be made out of plastic. It's a paper town. I mean look at it, Q: look at all those cul-de-sacs, those streets that turn in on themselves, all the houses that were built to fall apart. All those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm. All the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. Everyone demented with the mania of owning things. All the things paper-thin and paper-frail. And all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters."

I have the bolded section written down and pinned to my wall. First time I read that when the book came out I was kind of taken aback. It made me really take a look at my thoughts and priorities. I don't ever want to be a paper person. Someone that's so vapid and shallow. It would be foolish of me to think that I won't have my moments, because let's be honest now, I'm human and I'm female. Growing up in a private school and being the youngest I've become accustomed to being spoiled and having nice things. I'm really trying to remember though that it really doesn't matter. I dream of the day when I can move away to some small town in the country. A place where it doesn't matter what you wear, what you look like, or what you drive. A place where people get to know you before they make a snap judgement. A place where people care more about others than about themselves. If a place like that exists, sign me up.

I just get so tired of having to live up to a certain expectation that other people seem to have of me. From far away you can see the shallow, vapid Chelsea. The one that's always put together with her J. Crew pieces and a plastered smile on her face. I've been told I'm "attractive" or some other form of that type of compliment, but it's like Margo says, everything's uglier close up. The closer you get the me, the more flaws you'll see. The more you get to know me the more character flaws you'll see in me. I just wish it were easier to change. I just think that if I could move away and start over I wouldn't fall into the same habit, but who am I kidding, change wouldn't be any easier. I'm not trying to whine because I'm blessed beyond what I deserve. God's been so good to me. I just need to be reminded that I'm not a paper doll. I have something holding me here that's more important than owning things. Screw consumerism. There are more important things in life. Now to just remember that.

no.more.casanova's

I just wish people could be real with me sometimes. I've never been one for sweet talk. Be honest with me. Don't try and tell me that I'm so awesome or that I'm the most beautiful girl you've ever met. These are lines and pretty crappy ones at that. Just be real with me. I know my flaws are there. They stare me in the face everyday. I'm sure that anyone who reads this is going to be like "is this girl REALLY complaining about being told she's pretty..." and the answer to that question is yes, I am. I'm not going to say I've been hearing this all my life because I haven't. Once I hit high school and college though, I started hearing it and at first I fell for it...every time. Now I just don't believe them. I don't know if it's because I've been used too many times or if it's because I've fallen for douche bag after douche bag, but it's gotten to the point where I just want someone to be real with me. Stop trying to sweet talk me and just talk to me. Don't treat me like every other girl. I'm not every other girl. I'm me. I'm Chelsea. I'm an individual. Don't come at me with all these tired lines and expect them to work on me. Be a real person because that's what I want. I don't want someone that's a smooth talker.

I realize this post comes across as arrogant and self-centered but please realize that is not what I intended. I'm just frustrated with guys that sweet talk. It doesn't work on me. It just makes me suspicious and paranoid. Tonight I've heard all sorts of sweet talking and lines from guys and it finally got to the point where I turned to one of my good friends and just asked him to be real with me for one second. I needed someone to just talk to me like a normal person. Not tell me how "great" I am because if you know me at all you'll know I'm not. I have my moments, but all in all I'm not as great as everyone thinks. I just feel like I have all these expectations that people have in their heads when they talk to me like that. Maybe I'm over-analyzing but it gets to a point where I just need someone to be honest with me and that's why I turned to Josh. When I asked him to be real he sent me a link to a website that I'm going to post. The article was great and it gave me a lot to think about. http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/11620940/

If you read the article this next little rant will make a little more sense. Yes I am loved by God and yes, I was worth dying for. God loved me THAT much. It's just hard to understand sometimes. I know my flaws very well and the fact that even with my flaws God loves me still kind of amazes me. Then I think to myself, well ok God loves me but there is no possible way that someone could ever love the REAL me. The me that whines when she's tired. The me that stares at the scars on her skin. The me that is constantly worried that she'll never live up to the expectations her friends and family have for her. The me that's riddled with insecurities. The real me is not always pleasant to be around but she's always eager to please. Everyone wants to be loved, but I want a real love. Not a shallow, wistfully romantic love that fades as quickly as it starts, but a progressive love. One of mutual care and mutual service. That's the love I want and until that gets here it looks like its just me and God, and honestly, that's the perfect thing for me right now.

I have once again become a miserable failure in life. I'm pretty sure I have A.D.D. when it comes to life and staying on track. Everything distracts me from what should really be my one and true focus and I'm way to frustrated with my decision making process these days.

just a little rant.

It seems like all the relationships in my life have just shifted in the past few weeks. People that I talked to everyday have fallen off the face of the planet and people that I haven't heard from in years have been blowing up my phone. It's a strange place to be. I'm not sure if I like it....

I can't really say that I have much to talk about right now. There are plenty of things I could whine about but I'm pretty sure it won't solve anything. I have had a lot on my mind though, especially when it comes to my faith and what I believe. A lot of it has to do with do I actually believe this? or is this just what I've been taught my whole life and it's easier to go with the flow than try and stick up for what I think? I'm not quite sure what I believe anymore. Hold on, let me rephrase that so people don't think I'm offering up animal sacrifices in the backyard. I'm 100% a Christian. I believe that I am a fallen human and a sinner and that I've been saved by the blood of Jesus Christ who was the ultimate sacrifice and that by asking him to forgive me of my sins I will spend eternity with him in heaven. It's the fine points of Christianity that I'm struggling to deal with. Topics mainly having to do with the church and how they approach things and just what being a Christian means -vs- what Christians actually do. Now don't get me wrong I get that we're human. I get that we will never in a million years be perfect. So why is it that most Christians act like they're perfect and flawless? Why can't they just be open and honest with their flaws? Why do they have to hide them and point out mine? Yeah, so I swear from time to time and I've said plenty of things that I shouldn't have. You weren't there later that night when I confessed my wrong doings to God. You weren't there when I seeked his forgiveness. You don't know me, my life, or my situation and you make NO attempts to try to understand me. Don't judge me. You are not my pastor. You are not my friend. You are just someone who thinks they know my life and wants to drag the bones out of my closet so no one goes peeking around in yours. Jokes on you though. My life is pretty much an open book. So feel free to pass your judgement but at the end of the day God is my judge. Not you....so go find something better to talk about.

Just a short thought for today.

Recently, I've had a few people compliment me on my skin. Now I'm going to back track and say my skin sucks. I used to have really bad acne so I now have lots of scars and such. Not pleasant. I switched over to bare minerals for my make-up and I use their skin care line (not like you really care) and I guess my skin is improving. Here's my question/thought. Why is it that in ourselves we automatically see the flaws? I mean yeah it keeps us humble, but depending on the situation it also makes us insecure. My skin is still one of my biggest insecurities. When someone looks at me they don't see my scars or the size of my pores. When I look in the mirror all I see is huge pores, blackheads, pimples, and scaring. Am I the only one that has this issue? Or is it kind of something everyone deals with and struggles with? This is my life.

go go gadget....

It's 1 a.m. and I need to sleep...yet I'm still awake, computer still on, and I'm texting the night away.

Why is it that so often gadgets and gizmos distract us from what we should actually be doing? Let's be honest now. How often are we checking our cell phones during church? Texting a friend during the sermon or putzing around on facebook instead of reading the Bible or praying? Believe me, I'm the guiltiest person of this. It's a rut that I seem to be stuck in that I'm having the worst time trying to get out of. I'm stuck and I don't really want to be anymore. I'm looking for my escape.

God, I realize that the technology I have access too is such a blessing and could be used for your honor and glory. I just pray that I'll learn self control and responsibility when it comes to using what you've given me. I don't want texting or facebook or anything equally ridiculous to come before you. You need to be the number 1 priority in my life. I want to get there. I'll need a hand though. Help me out of this rut.

It's Go Time.

As you can tell, it's been a while. I don't have much to say and my laptop is going to die soon so I'll make this brief.

Life is far too short to worry about the stupid things in life. This is something that's been hitting me in the face lately. Recently a friend of the family and her son were both taken home to be with God and it kind of just smacked me in the face. She was in her mid thirties...her son was 4 years old. They both still had so much life left to live but God took them home. What if God takes me home tomorrow. What have I done that's even worth anything? What have I done for God? This is the question I need to focus on. I've done so much talking...not enough doing. I've made plans to change, but haven't actually done it. Forget the planning. I need to get with the doing. It's time to walk the way I talk. It's go time.