"I'm impossible to forget...

but hard to remember..."

Let me just start by saying I don't plan for this to me some super deep insightful post because in all honesty I don't really see myself as the deep insightful type of person. That being said here we goooooo!

"Do you ever just think I'm fooling everybody?"- Claire Colburn. Sometimes I wonder about the person that I am. Like the way I view myself and the way others see me are probably completely different. I see myself as the girl next door with the ridiculous quirks but a sweetheart that will stand by your side no matter how pissed she may be at you. Or in theatrical terms pretty much every character Meg Ryan has ever portrayed in a movie with a dash of Claire Colburn (played my Kirsten Dunst) in Elizabethtown. I'm incredibly indecisive, overly obsessed with youtube, an over-analyzer, and a terrible cook. There are some days when I really struggle to see what anyone could possibly see in me. Today seemed to be one of those days. I was productive per the request of my boyfriend. I turned in my application to get my butt back in school, I picked up my contacts...I even got a nap! Productive day indeed. Then I was on the phone with my mom and all the good juju the productivity brought me came crashing down. The stress began seeping back in. The crap wagon began to fill up again and all the ugly qualities I have came bursting through the seams of my jolly mood. I don't want to say that I "hate" my father because thats suuuuuch a strong word. I just don't get him sometimes. I think he can be unbelievably selfish. I think he doesn't think things through before he acts and I think that anything he does has strings attached to it. All in all, if you can't tell I'm not exactly doing cartwheels about anything related to my father. That crap wagon I emptied so long ago is just being piled and piled on with more and more crap. I just can't find a way to let it go right now. I'll survive this. I've survived everything else that's happened. God's still God and in the end He's got my back. It won't be easy...I'm sure sacrifices will have to be made but I'll survive. I just wish as you got older life grew easier....apparently it doesn't. It gets worse. WAY worse. And I don't mean to sit here and complain because that's not my intention at all. I guess this is just my way of processing my emotions. Typing out my thoughts, using other people's words and quotes to relate to my life. As lame as it is...blogging helps me "express myself". Gosh I sound like a nut case. Oh well. It is what it is.

"Sadness is easier because it's surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free." - Claire Colburn

This Could Be Ignorant...

Holy long time gone batman.

Well it's been over a month. What is there to say. How have I grown. What's new and has changed. Let's start with the easy things...I work all the time, I have a ridiculous television schedule I keep up with at the risk of going insane, I still have an unbelievable addiction to youtube and am still proud to be a nerdfighter, and I now have a boyfriend as of...well 1 o'clock this morning. There are the easy things. You all seem to be caught up now.

What's been on my mind you ask? Oh you know...those easy questions of life really. The biggest thing on my mind is the non-Christian -vs- Christian debate. More specifically a Christian dating a non-Christian. It's a confusing thing really. Who's to say who's a Christian and who isn't? Isn't that for God to judge anyway? I guess I'm just getting to a point in my life where I'm so over the "rules" that seem to be automatically assumed with Christianity. I really don't think that's what it's about and I mean it's not like I've been doing tons of digging and researching so I may be completely ignorant on the issue. What does Jesus say are the two greatest commands. 1) Love the Lord your God with all your heart and 2) Love your neighbor as yourself. Those are the greatest commandments and I'm not saying we should just ignore everything else because we shouldn't but I just get so tired of other Christians just looking down their noses at me. For them to judge me for the decisions I make. There is a point where yeah if I'm going out and getting crunk every night, sleeping around with tons of men, doing crazy and copious amounts of drugs and have a flagrant disregard for everything then yeah...let's have an intervention. However, if I haven't been to church in a while and you've never spoken to me before don't give me the stink eye. Please don't come up to me and say how nice it is to finally see me back at church. You don't know my business. That's for God to judge, not you please and thanks. Same thing goes with if I decide to date a "non-Christian" or however you'd like to label it. I'm not asking you to do it. I'm not asking you to give me your opinion. At the end of the day that's between me, the other person, and God. That's kind of it. I mean I get that some people offer their advice because they care about me and they have my back. That's great and I'm thankful for it but again...I'm an adult. It's my decision to make.

Let's see what else is there to say....I guess there really isn't anything else to report. I'm still the same old person. Same old issues. But all in all, I'm lucky. I've got great friends, an awesome family for the most part and now a great boyfriend. My job is still consistent and I'm still healthy. As far as I'm concerned...I'm lucky and I'm blessed. God's been good to me.

flimsy-foldable me.

"The truth is that whenever I went up to the top of the SunTrust building--including that last time with you--I didn't really look down and think about how everything was made of paper. I looked down and thought about how I was made of paper. I was the flimsy-foldable person, not everyone else. And here's the thing about it. People love the idea of a paper girl. They always have. And the worst thing is, I loved it too. Because it's kind of great, being an idea that everybody likes. But I could never be that idea to myself. Not all the way. And Agloe is a place where a paper creation became real. A dot on the map became a real place, more real than the people who created the dot could ever imagined. I thought maybe the paper cutout girl could start becoming real here also. And it seemed like a way to tell that paper girl who cared about popularity and clothes and everything else: You are going to the paper towns and you are never coming back." - Paper Towns

Did I ever mention how much I LOVE John Green? Awesome for sure.

This summer has been interesting for me to say the least. A lot of things changed for me. I worked two jobs pretty consistently through the summer which made for a good amount of money but left me tired with basically no social life and no time for me. The rare days I wasn't working I spent the day just being lazy and sleeping and really doing NOTHING productive. Through the summer though, I've changed and not necessarily for the better. Everyday was spent working. I was making lots of money but my spending habits were also kind of ridiculous. Everything I spent money on was basically a waste. Clothing, movies, make-up and other nonsense that I didn't really need is what I spent my hard earned cash on. Some how in the process of making the money I just lost part of who I am. I bought in to the material possessions. I justified everything I bought too. Every item of clothing I could wear to work and be "current" for that season. Every movie I bought I would tell myself it's better than spending all that money at the video store to rent it everytime I want to watch it. All the make-up would make my skin better and cover up my stupid scars. Well ladies and gents with every justification I became a little more vapid and a little more shallow. Now I've re-read Paper Towns and BAM. I feel like I am Margo. I loved the idea of being a paper thin girl. Of being that girl that everyone loves. The girl that's popular and just basically awesome. Here's the thing though, that feeling didn't last long. Did I love the attention I was getting? Oh yeah, for sure but I've come to realize that with attention comes pressure. The more attention I received, the more pressure I put on myself. Everytime I would leave the house, even if it was to just run a quick errand, I would change like 3 or 4 times. Everything had to be perfect. I had to look perfect and it is quickly getting old for me. I'm ready to leave and never return because Toledo has become a vacuum of consumerism and vapidity. Lately, I've felt like a lost cause.

This brings me to the other day. One of my good friends was preparing to leave for school and before he left, he and I went to get coffee. So I went to pick him up and we just started chatting away as usual. A little bit later after we were all settled in at Starbucks he pulled the "but really Chelsea, how are you doing." This is where I launched in to my whole recent debacle. He's always been super honest with me so I asked him, am I really shallow? His answer, well...yes and no. I'm sorry, what? His take on things is that I come across shallow when you first meet me and then the more you get to know me the less shallow I am to a point. He also told me that the things I choose to complain about are really stupid. For example, on the car ride to Starbucks I had been talking about how recently there are a couple boys from work that want to date me. Looking back it was such a stupid thing to complain about because really...WHO REALLY CARES. Why did I choose to whine about that? I can't even say that was the only time I've ever complained about it and while yeah, it kind of is a problem for me because I don't ever like to hurt anyone's feelings by telling them I don't like them in the bigger scheme of things, no one really cares. There are so many other things to worry about like how did I live for God today? How can I reach out to others? How can I serve? These are the things I should be worrying about. These are the things I should be thinking about. I hate that lately I've become a paper girl. I want to actually be real again. Someone that cares more about current events and others than the latest fashion trends at J. Crew. Maybe that's just one of the many downfalls of working at a retail store. You get sucked in to the clothing vortex and lose sight of real life. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm the only one that can't seem to balance the two. All I know is, I've got a lot of work to do in these coming months. It's going to be a long road.

paper dolls in a paper town.

This little angel is my new kitten. Her name is Margo Roth Spiegelman named after one of my literary heroines from John Green's book Paper Towns. Currently I'm re-reading it for like...the millionth time and in true John Green fashion, he's got me thinking about things because that's just what John does. In his books, in his video blogs on youtube, in (some of) his tweets, his actual blog posts John always finds a way to get me thinking about life. Basically, John is made of awesome.

I'm going to type out an excerpt from paper towns that got me thinking. Here's the scene...Margo and Quentin have just rained hell on their enemies and their in downtown Orlando in an office building looking out at the city...

"It's more impressive." I said out loud. "From a distance I mean." You can't see the wear on things you know? You can't see the rust or the weeds or the paint cracking. You see the place as someone imagined it." [Quentin] "Everything's uglier close up," she said. "Not you," I answered before thinking better of it. Her forehead still against the glass, she turned to me and smiled. "Here's a tip: you're cute when you're confident. And less when you're not." Before I had a chance to say anything, here eyes went back to the view and she started talking. "Here's what's not beautiful about it: from here, you can't see the rust or the cracked paint or whatever, but you can tell what the place really is. You see how fake it all is. It's not even hard enough to be made out of plastic. It's a paper town. I mean look at it, Q: look at all those cul-de-sacs, those streets that turn in on themselves, all the houses that were built to fall apart. All those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm. All the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. Everyone demented with the mania of owning things. All the things paper-thin and paper-frail. And all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters."

I have the bolded section written down and pinned to my wall. First time I read that when the book came out I was kind of taken aback. It made me really take a look at my thoughts and priorities. I don't ever want to be a paper person. Someone that's so vapid and shallow. It would be foolish of me to think that I won't have my moments, because let's be honest now, I'm human and I'm female. Growing up in a private school and being the youngest I've become accustomed to being spoiled and having nice things. I'm really trying to remember though that it really doesn't matter. I dream of the day when I can move away to some small town in the country. A place where it doesn't matter what you wear, what you look like, or what you drive. A place where people get to know you before they make a snap judgement. A place where people care more about others than about themselves. If a place like that exists, sign me up.

I just get so tired of having to live up to a certain expectation that other people seem to have of me. From far away you can see the shallow, vapid Chelsea. The one that's always put together with her J. Crew pieces and a plastered smile on her face. I've been told I'm "attractive" or some other form of that type of compliment, but it's like Margo says, everything's uglier close up. The closer you get the me, the more flaws you'll see. The more you get to know me the more character flaws you'll see in me. I just wish it were easier to change. I just think that if I could move away and start over I wouldn't fall into the same habit, but who am I kidding, change wouldn't be any easier. I'm not trying to whine because I'm blessed beyond what I deserve. God's been so good to me. I just need to be reminded that I'm not a paper doll. I have something holding me here that's more important than owning things. Screw consumerism. There are more important things in life. Now to just remember that.

no.more.casanova's

I just wish people could be real with me sometimes. I've never been one for sweet talk. Be honest with me. Don't try and tell me that I'm so awesome or that I'm the most beautiful girl you've ever met. These are lines and pretty crappy ones at that. Just be real with me. I know my flaws are there. They stare me in the face everyday. I'm sure that anyone who reads this is going to be like "is this girl REALLY complaining about being told she's pretty..." and the answer to that question is yes, I am. I'm not going to say I've been hearing this all my life because I haven't. Once I hit high school and college though, I started hearing it and at first I fell for it...every time. Now I just don't believe them. I don't know if it's because I've been used too many times or if it's because I've fallen for douche bag after douche bag, but it's gotten to the point where I just want someone to be real with me. Stop trying to sweet talk me and just talk to me. Don't treat me like every other girl. I'm not every other girl. I'm me. I'm Chelsea. I'm an individual. Don't come at me with all these tired lines and expect them to work on me. Be a real person because that's what I want. I don't want someone that's a smooth talker.

I realize this post comes across as arrogant and self-centered but please realize that is not what I intended. I'm just frustrated with guys that sweet talk. It doesn't work on me. It just makes me suspicious and paranoid. Tonight I've heard all sorts of sweet talking and lines from guys and it finally got to the point where I turned to one of my good friends and just asked him to be real with me for one second. I needed someone to just talk to me like a normal person. Not tell me how "great" I am because if you know me at all you'll know I'm not. I have my moments, but all in all I'm not as great as everyone thinks. I just feel like I have all these expectations that people have in their heads when they talk to me like that. Maybe I'm over-analyzing but it gets to a point where I just need someone to be honest with me and that's why I turned to Josh. When I asked him to be real he sent me a link to a website that I'm going to post. The article was great and it gave me a lot to think about. http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/11620940/

If you read the article this next little rant will make a little more sense. Yes I am loved by God and yes, I was worth dying for. God loved me THAT much. It's just hard to understand sometimes. I know my flaws very well and the fact that even with my flaws God loves me still kind of amazes me. Then I think to myself, well ok God loves me but there is no possible way that someone could ever love the REAL me. The me that whines when she's tired. The me that stares at the scars on her skin. The me that is constantly worried that she'll never live up to the expectations her friends and family have for her. The me that's riddled with insecurities. The real me is not always pleasant to be around but she's always eager to please. Everyone wants to be loved, but I want a real love. Not a shallow, wistfully romantic love that fades as quickly as it starts, but a progressive love. One of mutual care and mutual service. That's the love I want and until that gets here it looks like its just me and God, and honestly, that's the perfect thing for me right now.

I have once again become a miserable failure in life. I'm pretty sure I have A.D.D. when it comes to life and staying on track. Everything distracts me from what should really be my one and true focus and I'm way to frustrated with my decision making process these days.

just a little rant.

It seems like all the relationships in my life have just shifted in the past few weeks. People that I talked to everyday have fallen off the face of the planet and people that I haven't heard from in years have been blowing up my phone. It's a strange place to be. I'm not sure if I like it....

I can't really say that I have much to talk about right now. There are plenty of things I could whine about but I'm pretty sure it won't solve anything. I have had a lot on my mind though, especially when it comes to my faith and what I believe. A lot of it has to do with do I actually believe this? or is this just what I've been taught my whole life and it's easier to go with the flow than try and stick up for what I think? I'm not quite sure what I believe anymore. Hold on, let me rephrase that so people don't think I'm offering up animal sacrifices in the backyard. I'm 100% a Christian. I believe that I am a fallen human and a sinner and that I've been saved by the blood of Jesus Christ who was the ultimate sacrifice and that by asking him to forgive me of my sins I will spend eternity with him in heaven. It's the fine points of Christianity that I'm struggling to deal with. Topics mainly having to do with the church and how they approach things and just what being a Christian means -vs- what Christians actually do. Now don't get me wrong I get that we're human. I get that we will never in a million years be perfect. So why is it that most Christians act like they're perfect and flawless? Why can't they just be open and honest with their flaws? Why do they have to hide them and point out mine? Yeah, so I swear from time to time and I've said plenty of things that I shouldn't have. You weren't there later that night when I confessed my wrong doings to God. You weren't there when I seeked his forgiveness. You don't know me, my life, or my situation and you make NO attempts to try to understand me. Don't judge me. You are not my pastor. You are not my friend. You are just someone who thinks they know my life and wants to drag the bones out of my closet so no one goes peeking around in yours. Jokes on you though. My life is pretty much an open book. So feel free to pass your judgement but at the end of the day God is my judge. Not you....so go find something better to talk about.