I cannot even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to summer and next school year! I have so many things to do before the end of this semester in order to ensure I'll be here next semester. I need to get a new plan, pay my bill, register for classes, get financial aid in order and get my housing in...
I have to say I'm really looking forward to seeing how God works...especially this summer and next year. I want to see what doors he'll open and what doors he'll slam shut. I'm really excited for everything though. I've made some awesome friends so far this semester and none of it would've happened if I hadn't gone through the crap I did. I'm so thankful for it now and I knew I would be once I was through it. I'm just really eager to see what the summer and school year hold for me!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Laguna Beach?
Ok stick with me here...its another stretch...
Have you ever watched a "reality" tv show and watched all the drama unfold, all the stupid girls, all the stupid decisions and swear to yourself you would NEVER put up with it? I remember saying these things. I rememeber saying I would never make the same stupid mistakes Jessica made in Laguna Beach season 2...I would never let myself fall into the situation with her and Jason. Yet some how I found that I have and I did. I have no idea how it happened though...it kind of just did. You "fall in love" and suddenly you lose yourself and you lose the concept of self preservation...atleast thats how it is with me. When I'm in love I give everything I have to give. The person comes first before me. His needs...basically anything I can do in my power I do. I'm a people pleaser as unfortunate at it is...I love making other people happy. It's a good quality and a bad quality to have...I'm easy to take advantage of and I know that yet some how I manage to let myself be taken advantage of. I put myself in stupid situations and it just...happens. Wow. Not fun and the whole picking up the pieces of your life when one person basically shatters it with a baseball bat is no fun either. All my dreams for the future...scattered on the floor. Now how do I not be angry about it? Could you tell me? Is there a magic way to just get over it? No...there isn't and it sucks.
As if picking up the broken pieces of my heart and self-confidence isn't enough I get to make a big girl decision here soon. I get to decide on a career. YAY! I'm just really lost as to what to do. God I'm trying to see your will but I'm getting clouded by my stubborness and my wants. I feel like we're constantly playing tug-of-war and I don't know why I'm not just letting go. I'm trying but its like the rope is glued to my hands and I just can't give up and give you control. Why am I a control freak?
Have you ever watched a "reality" tv show and watched all the drama unfold, all the stupid girls, all the stupid decisions and swear to yourself you would NEVER put up with it? I remember saying these things. I rememeber saying I would never make the same stupid mistakes Jessica made in Laguna Beach season 2...I would never let myself fall into the situation with her and Jason. Yet some how I found that I have and I did. I have no idea how it happened though...it kind of just did. You "fall in love" and suddenly you lose yourself and you lose the concept of self preservation...atleast thats how it is with me. When I'm in love I give everything I have to give. The person comes first before me. His needs...basically anything I can do in my power I do. I'm a people pleaser as unfortunate at it is...I love making other people happy. It's a good quality and a bad quality to have...I'm easy to take advantage of and I know that yet some how I manage to let myself be taken advantage of. I put myself in stupid situations and it just...happens. Wow. Not fun and the whole picking up the pieces of your life when one person basically shatters it with a baseball bat is no fun either. All my dreams for the future...scattered on the floor. Now how do I not be angry about it? Could you tell me? Is there a magic way to just get over it? No...there isn't and it sucks.
As if picking up the broken pieces of my heart and self-confidence isn't enough I get to make a big girl decision here soon. I get to decide on a career. YAY! I'm just really lost as to what to do. God I'm trying to see your will but I'm getting clouded by my stubborness and my wants. I feel like we're constantly playing tug-of-war and I don't know why I'm not just letting go. I'm trying but its like the rope is glued to my hands and I just can't give up and give you control. Why am I a control freak?
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Yet another weekend at home...
I know what you're all thinking. Wow she must really hate being at school. Well thats not entirely true. I enjoy it there especially since I've met some pretty sweet people and I'm looking forward to getting to know them better. One in particular...but I'm not looking to get my hopes up just yet. It's inevitablely going to be a little complex if I let it.
So the reason why I'm home. I've been having vision issues. The eye doctor wanted to see me...therefore I had to miss class Friday and go to the eye doctor. It was a good time let me tell you! But not to worry...I'm fine. Apparently floaters are completely normal? Yeah I looked at him like he was insane when he told me that seeing as I've never had a problem with them until like...2 1/2 weeks ago. I'm happy to say that I'm "normal" atleast in the vision aspect...but I still think being normal is overrated.
I'm still struggling through some stuff right now. God I really don't understand what you're trying to do and what you want for my life. Douglas J? IWU? I'm having trouble clearly seeing God. Show me your path...I'm still struggling with more...personal aspects...of life as well. Anger and frusteration are way easier to feel. I'm tired of this battle. Everyday...same thing...and here's the great thing...some how I'm still finding a way to blame it on myself?! How sick is that? Apparently I've just got issues...
I get to see Kevin tonight. [[woot]]
I know what you're all thinking. Wow she must really hate being at school. Well thats not entirely true. I enjoy it there especially since I've met some pretty sweet people and I'm looking forward to getting to know them better. One in particular...but I'm not looking to get my hopes up just yet. It's inevitablely going to be a little complex if I let it.
So the reason why I'm home. I've been having vision issues. The eye doctor wanted to see me...therefore I had to miss class Friday and go to the eye doctor. It was a good time let me tell you! But not to worry...I'm fine. Apparently floaters are completely normal? Yeah I looked at him like he was insane when he told me that seeing as I've never had a problem with them until like...2 1/2 weeks ago. I'm happy to say that I'm "normal" atleast in the vision aspect...but I still think being normal is overrated.
I'm still struggling through some stuff right now. God I really don't understand what you're trying to do and what you want for my life. Douglas J? IWU? I'm having trouble clearly seeing God. Show me your path...I'm still struggling with more...personal aspects...of life as well. Anger and frusteration are way easier to feel. I'm tired of this battle. Everyday...same thing...and here's the great thing...some how I'm still finding a way to blame it on myself?! How sick is that? Apparently I've just got issues...
I get to see Kevin tonight. [[woot]]
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Open My Eyes, Ears, and Heart...
God I feel like you're trying to tell me something right now and I'll admit, I haven't really been listening. I've messed up again God. Open my eyes, my ears, and my heart to your will Lord. I want what you have for me. The blessings, the trials, the life lessons...I want all that you would have for me. Renew my mind. Renew my spirit. Renew my soul O God.
"A thousand times I fail still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades.
Never ending your glory goes beyond all fame.
Your will above all else my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting you light will shine when all else fades
Never ending your glory goes beyong all fame.
In my heart and my soul, I give you control,
consume me from the inside out Lord.
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
to love you from the inside out..."
Let this be my prayer God...
"A thousand times I fail still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades.
Never ending your glory goes beyond all fame.
Your will above all else my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting you light will shine when all else fades
Never ending your glory goes beyong all fame.
In my heart and my soul, I give you control,
consume me from the inside out Lord.
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
to love you from the inside out..."
Let this be my prayer God...
I'm definately finding myself a cup full of crazy these days. I'm starting to think I actually need to go to the doctor and well...that's back home and I'm here, three hours away with no car. Good plan right? Well I guess here's hoping that I get to go home sometime here in the near future and that I'll be able to get an appointment!
I'm falling behind on the what I wanted to accomplish by this point in time. I thought I'd be really sure about where I wanted to be next year but after visiting the school I'm pretty sure I'm more confused than I was before I went. I have yet to read through all the material because quite frankly, I have other things I'd rather be reading. For example, Lies Women (and Young Women) Believe has been just sitting lonely on my shelf. I was so excited to read those books as devotional thoughts and they're still kind of just sitting there. Lets chalk another up for losing track of time and falling asleep. I really need to read those books though, they'll definately come in handy later on.
So remember the no boys vow? Yeah me too...so let me ask you this. The second I decide to take a break and kind of just heal why is it that oh I don't know...6 different guys all show interest? Ok I may be over-exaggerating on a few of them...but honestly like a few have vocalized their...feelings. I'm so not in the mood to deal with this. I don't like hurting their feelings, but its one of those it'll probably never happen in the first place, but then I guess you never know right? Like I said...boys are dumb. Sorry if I offend any of you...lol
I talked with on of my friends back home last night. He's a super freaky genius...has a couple full rides being thrown at him so he has big decisions to make. Ironically I do too. One would think two years into college I'd have a good grasp on what I want to be...but I don't. Of course we ended up talking about John Piper and I'm in the process of listening to one of his sermons. Good stuff is coming out of them...I'm just waiting to see where God leads. Big neon signs would be nice but then again...we need to be wise enough to make the right decision. It'll all turn out ok though...I'm trying to be optimistic :)
I'm falling behind on the what I wanted to accomplish by this point in time. I thought I'd be really sure about where I wanted to be next year but after visiting the school I'm pretty sure I'm more confused than I was before I went. I have yet to read through all the material because quite frankly, I have other things I'd rather be reading. For example, Lies Women (and Young Women) Believe has been just sitting lonely on my shelf. I was so excited to read those books as devotional thoughts and they're still kind of just sitting there. Lets chalk another up for losing track of time and falling asleep. I really need to read those books though, they'll definately come in handy later on.
So remember the no boys vow? Yeah me too...so let me ask you this. The second I decide to take a break and kind of just heal why is it that oh I don't know...6 different guys all show interest? Ok I may be over-exaggerating on a few of them...but honestly like a few have vocalized their...feelings. I'm so not in the mood to deal with this. I don't like hurting their feelings, but its one of those it'll probably never happen in the first place, but then I guess you never know right? Like I said...boys are dumb. Sorry if I offend any of you...lol
I talked with on of my friends back home last night. He's a super freaky genius...has a couple full rides being thrown at him so he has big decisions to make. Ironically I do too. One would think two years into college I'd have a good grasp on what I want to be...but I don't. Of course we ended up talking about John Piper and I'm in the process of listening to one of his sermons. Good stuff is coming out of them...I'm just waiting to see where God leads. Big neon signs would be nice but then again...we need to be wise enough to make the right decision. It'll all turn out ok though...I'm trying to be optimistic :)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
blurp blurp blurp
I visited Aveda today...oh my. I knew the program would be intense, but I didn't realize how intense it would be. Day classes would be from 9-4:30 Tuesday through Saturday, night classes would be from 5-10pm Monday-Friday. If I do it, I'll definately do the day classes, I don't want to be walking through a parking garage in a strange city at 10 o'clock at night. I'm just confused as to what God wants me to do. I'm so...lost, but its all good because I know He will open and close the doors that He wants opened and closed. I'm just kind of lost right now. lol
I have managed to get nothing done over spring break. All the books I was planning to read, didn't even get a chance to touch them. My journaling has fallen way behind...my room is a mess...it just hasn't been the spring break I thought it would be. My nephew turned 1 today. I'm kind of just at a loss as how much can change in 1 year. He's still a monster...bigger than all the other kids but he's still a little cutie :) I've realized certain ships have sailed and well I guess I get to stand on the shore and wave good bye. Maybe they'll come back some day, but that's not for me to decide. I'm curious to see where I'll be next year. Aveda? IWU? UT? please...can't I just flip a coin? lol
I'm bummed I'm not going to get a chance to see Bo. I wish I could see him, but I think by the time I'm back, he'll be in back at BBC being Adam and loving Jesus...I just love him. He's seriously so great, he's going to be such an awesome pastor some day! I'd love to see Seth too, there's another really great guy. His girlfriend is a lucky little lady and I sure hope she realizes it...if not I'll gladly take him ;) Just kidding...I'm breaking from boys lol It'll be better this way...yet none of my friends think I have it in me. Talk about great encouragement right? But seriously, I'm taking time to love on the only one that can love me unconditionally. Yay Jesus!
I have managed to get nothing done over spring break. All the books I was planning to read, didn't even get a chance to touch them. My journaling has fallen way behind...my room is a mess...it just hasn't been the spring break I thought it would be. My nephew turned 1 today. I'm kind of just at a loss as how much can change in 1 year. He's still a monster...bigger than all the other kids but he's still a little cutie :) I've realized certain ships have sailed and well I guess I get to stand on the shore and wave good bye. Maybe they'll come back some day, but that's not for me to decide. I'm curious to see where I'll be next year. Aveda? IWU? UT? please...can't I just flip a coin? lol
I'm bummed I'm not going to get a chance to see Bo. I wish I could see him, but I think by the time I'm back, he'll be in back at BBC being Adam and loving Jesus...I just love him. He's seriously so great, he's going to be such an awesome pastor some day! I'd love to see Seth too, there's another really great guy. His girlfriend is a lucky little lady and I sure hope she realizes it...if not I'll gladly take him ;) Just kidding...I'm breaking from boys lol It'll be better this way...yet none of my friends think I have it in me. Talk about great encouragement right? But seriously, I'm taking time to love on the only one that can love me unconditionally. Yay Jesus!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
untitled...
I'm not really sure how to title this, it's mainly going to be a bunch of blurbs and points of randomness...story of my life really lol
I love the insight of some of my friends. I love reading about different thoughts they have, or hearing what they have to say, or just the encouragement they have for me in my current status in life right now. My friend Josh has developed a pretty intense liking for John Piper and he now has me listening to his sermons online...I feel like a bit of a nerd..lol The one I'm listening to right now is All Things For Good, Part 3. I couldn't find Part 1 or 2...so I'm kind of jumping in at the end...I'm curious to see what he has to say though...
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
I'm still searching for what God wants for me. He's brought a lot of realizations into my life recently about where I was placing too many things before Him...and thats definately not cool...I'm thankful though that He's opened my eyes and that He's been with me during these moments. I could never be more thankful....
Well I'm going to finish my sermon...then go to bed. Yay John Piper?!
I love the insight of some of my friends. I love reading about different thoughts they have, or hearing what they have to say, or just the encouragement they have for me in my current status in life right now. My friend Josh has developed a pretty intense liking for John Piper and he now has me listening to his sermons online...I feel like a bit of a nerd..lol The one I'm listening to right now is All Things For Good, Part 3. I couldn't find Part 1 or 2...so I'm kind of jumping in at the end...I'm curious to see what he has to say though...
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
I'm still searching for what God wants for me. He's brought a lot of realizations into my life recently about where I was placing too many things before Him...and thats definately not cool...I'm thankful though that He's opened my eyes and that He's been with me during these moments. I could never be more thankful....
Well I'm going to finish my sermon...then go to bed. Yay John Piper?!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Diary of a Mad Asian Woman...
Ok not really...but I did watch this movie tonight with Paige. Moral of the story is black olive pizza, popcorn, melt-away mints and a good movie is the perfect recipe for an exciting night! I love her mucho mucho and I'm so happy I had the opportunity to hang out with her! She's is nothing short of amazing :)
We had the new pastoral candidate come and speak to the congregation today. I'm not going to lie, I really like him. He seems like he'd be a good fit for the church. I enjoyed his sermons both this morning and evening, he had a lot of good things to say! Apparently he lost major points with some on Friday with his "epic" chapel on Ehud the left handed judge? lol I got a good laugh out of I'm not going to lie...
Spring break is starting to make a bit of a turn around. I love my friends and I've missed them a lot! I'm super excited to see how this week goes! I've got a few days of work, and a LOT of catching up to do with some other friends. I'm excited :)
Thank you for a good day God!
We had the new pastoral candidate come and speak to the congregation today. I'm not going to lie, I really like him. He seems like he'd be a good fit for the church. I enjoyed his sermons both this morning and evening, he had a lot of good things to say! Apparently he lost major points with some on Friday with his "epic" chapel on Ehud the left handed judge? lol I got a good laugh out of I'm not going to lie...
Spring break is starting to make a bit of a turn around. I love my friends and I've missed them a lot! I'm super excited to see how this week goes! I've got a few days of work, and a LOT of catching up to do with some other friends. I'm excited :)
Thank you for a good day God!
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