Ok stick with me here...its another stretch...
Have you ever watched a "reality" tv show and watched all the drama unfold, all the stupid girls, all the stupid decisions and swear to yourself you would NEVER put up with it? I remember saying these things. I rememeber saying I would never make the same stupid mistakes Jessica made in Laguna Beach season 2...I would never let myself fall into the situation with her and Jason. Yet some how I found that I have and I did. I have no idea how it happened though...it kind of just did. You "fall in love" and suddenly you lose yourself and you lose the concept of self preservation...atleast thats how it is with me. When I'm in love I give everything I have to give. The person comes first before me. His needs...basically anything I can do in my power I do. I'm a people pleaser as unfortunate at it is...I love making other people happy. It's a good quality and a bad quality to have...I'm easy to take advantage of and I know that yet some how I manage to let myself be taken advantage of. I put myself in stupid situations and it just...happens. Wow. Not fun and the whole picking up the pieces of your life when one person basically shatters it with a baseball bat is no fun either. All my dreams for the future...scattered on the floor. Now how do I not be angry about it? Could you tell me? Is there a magic way to just get over it? No...there isn't and it sucks.
As if picking up the broken pieces of my heart and self-confidence isn't enough I get to make a big girl decision here soon. I get to decide on a career. YAY! I'm just really lost as to what to do. God I'm trying to see your will but I'm getting clouded by my stubborness and my wants. I feel like we're constantly playing tug-of-war and I don't know why I'm not just letting go. I'm trying but its like the rope is glued to my hands and I just can't give up and give you control. Why am I a control freak?
