Hate is a strong word....

How many times a day do you think you use that word? People are so quick to say how much they hate something or someone. We use that term so loosely and I am just as guilty of this as anyone else. Aren't we told by God to only hate what is evil? In Romans, we're told that our love must be sincere and we are commanded throughout the Bible to love. Well if our love is sincere we can't hate people right? So why is it that whenever someone hurts us by the choices they make we go straight to hatred. I think for me its like a defense mechanism. I figure if I hate that person then they can't hurt me, but I'm pretty sure in reality I'm just hurting myself. By clinging on to that hatred I can't let it go then I'm walking around weighed down with all this anger and resentment towards one person or in some cases more than one person. It's like I'm loading a wagon of crap....just piles and piles of dirty, smelly, crap and pulling it around with me. It's so not fun and I think I'm finally coming to a place in my life where I can forgive and love. It sounds so easy right? Trust me. It's not. Especially when the hurt is so deep. But I also believe in loving the person and hating the sin. For example....having a father who chooses to be a homosexual. I love my father....he's hilarious and I mean c'mon....it's my dad. I spent so many years hating him for leaving my mother, putting us through (for a lack of better term) hell, and turning his back on God and his family. I lugged around this wagon of crap and after awhile you just get tired of pulling the wagon so you can do one of two things. You can either roll in the crap and be consumed by the nastiness and smell and be unhappy, or you can let go of the handle. I chose to let go of the handle and let me tell you, it has been a total relief. I no longer have a crap wagon and I smell like roses. Now by no means am I perfect and so many times something happens that makes me want to get a new wagon and begin to pile on the crap, but some how I keep remembering how unhappy and how not fun a wagon full of crap is.

happy sweetest day!

It's sweetest day. Hooray for another hallmark holiday! However, I buy into them and I actually enjoy them even if I am single :)

Well, it's fall break. Oh my land! Half way through my first semester as an IWU student and I love it! Midterms pretty much kicked my butt....but oh well I knew that would happen. Well the ride home for break was....less than exciting. We drove home....enjoyed some of my music....and well that's about it! Thursday night I was able to go see Nate's parents which made me SO happy. I absolutely adore them and of course I saw Leo. I love his pup too. Last night though we went to a haunted house....NEVER AGAIN. The worst thing in the entire world. First of all, I can't stand people in costumes. It is SO CREEPY. Second of all, people popping out at you. NO THANK YOU. Scary movies I can do, haunted houses and such no thank you. Today I'm pretty excited. Park with Josh then Rent with Paige. Amazingness! :)

Apple Traditions

Ever since my sister met my brother-in-law we have all gone to the Macqueen's Apple Festival to pick apples and just hang out. Oh my word I love this tradition. I almost didn't come back for it because really....how great can it be? I'm so happy I came home. One I needed to clear my head from some of the situations back at school and two it was one of those things where its tradition. You can't really just stop tradition you know? Needless to say it was a wonderful day of climbing trees, homemade donuts, and some good old fashion apple picking :) Best fall tradition EVER

S.O.S.

It doesn't cease to amaze me how quickly I change my mind. I'm so fickle about so many things. I don't seem to know what I want. In one corner, there is someone that's new and pretty awesome, but in the other corner there is the familiar person that you have easy access to. So what do I do? Neither one is a guarantee of course. I just am so lost as what to do. I have fallen into this cycle so many times and its starting to take its toll on me both physically and emotionally. I always come back to this place where I've completely thrown in the towel and I'm ok with it and I'm ok with where I am in life. Then...BAM...blind-sided. So here I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Between the unfamiliar and familiar. While one is new and exciting, there is potentially for heartbreak. The other has left a cycle of heartbreak, but what if this time it really is different. See the dilemna? Here's my thinking. I'm going to do the only thing I really can do. Let go and let God.

the product of sleep deprivation...

Ever feel like you are just taking too much on yourself? You get stretched so thin that you find it hard just to keep afloat? That my friends is where I sit today. I'm on the losing end of a battle of emotions. With one hand I'm trying to move on and keep my emotional state intact and then with the other hand I'm trying to hold up my best friend here and make sure he is ok as well. I know what he's going through and I'm praying that he just lets God bring him to the otherside.

I just wish we could all get along really. I'm sick of people assuming that they know you because of what they see on myspace or facebook. I guess I'm kind of preaching to myself on that one. So many times I just write people off because of what I've heard and because of what she looks like. I'm so not ready to play these games anymore really. We're in college now. Look sweetheart. If you want him. You've got him. I won't play anymore. He's all yours.

its been one week.

Its amazing how many horrible/frusterating/amazingly wonderful things can happen in one week. I am so frusterated and so upset but by the grace of God I'm still finding ways to laugh and smile! lol We truely serve an amazing God. Throughout all this chaos I feel like He is standing right next to me holding me up by my armpits.

I took my first weekend trip home. So weird. Incredibly weird. I had been gone for one month and coming back was so surreal. I've never had a feeling like that and to experience it was so odd. I loved it though! It was just another sign of growing up and maturing. I know I'll never forget the lessons I've learned in Toledo. I'll never forget the people that influenced my life there, but I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that I'm no longer there. It was my time to leave and thank God I did.

I'm just happy at this place in life and for me to say that considering the week I've had so far is pretty impressive. God's working here. I'm not sure what exactly he's changing but I know he is. It sounds completely vague I'm aware but there is just some many things going on that usually would cause a breakdown for me and here I sit....smiling. It's an incredible feeling. Thank you Jesus.

night time ramblings

I don't really have anything relevant to say. Just a lot of blurbs or ramblings if you will.

Let me start off by saying I am completely envious of the writing skills of some of my peers. They are just great story tellers and when they write it sounds so....smart. Even if it is just a random sentence, it just sounds intelligence. Now I'm not stupid, but I'm not a beautiful writer. I wish I was. I wish that I had the talents of eloquent writing but unfortunately I don't have the skills or the vocabulary to do so. I guess that's the wonderful aspect of mediocrity.

Secondly, I wish I was a better person. I know I have the power to change but after years of acting the way I do I have a feeling that habits are going to be hard to break. I don't think I'm a horrible person. I think I'm actually pretty awesome at some points, but I have my down falls. For example, I'm quick to write people off, but it's people that I don't know very well. I'm big on first impressions. Make a bad first impression and I'm sorry son...you're out of there. Then I have those people in my life that just continually screw me over, constantly hurt me, and do nothing but use me and I put up with it. I don't understand what my thought process is on that. What is wrong with me? Love might have something to do with it. I care about these people so I put up with it even if it's emotionally draining for me. I'm not too sure if that's a good quality to have. Oh the joys of growing up.

Lastly, I miss my family. I'm immensely excited to have the oppurtunity to go home this weekend! Sadly some of the people I want to see most and that I would love to sit down and have a good heart to heart talk with won't be there. For example, my brothers. Justin knows my many romantic woes. He knows every aspect of every relationship I've been in. He knows when I'm being stupid and doesn't hesitate to tell me. However, most the time I choose not to listen to him and then of course I usually end up telling him he was completely right. And then there's Craig. He's emo, cynical, and incredibly sarcastic but he has one of the biggest hearts I know...atleast concerning his little sister :) He's basically a genius and so creative. I'm so jealous of him for that reason. I'm not creative. I'm crafty and that's about it. He's aweseome though and I miss him. Why is it these brothers of mine had to move away? Especially when I'm having "boyfriend fever" this is usually when I need their input the most. I guess a phone call will have to do...