Summer Ramble...blerg!

Well, the summer heat is here. Let the sweating begin. Don't get me wrong, I kind of love summer...the laying out and tanning, the cook-outs, the s'mores. All good things for sure. This summer is just going to be a busy one in particular. I'm working a lot and I'm to have as much of a social life as humanly possible but it seems to be slowly slipping away from me. I'm definitely excited to see what's in store for summer though. I have lots to be accomplished and I definitely have a lot on my mind. It kind of sucks when you care for someone knowing there isn't going to be a future. You've got to let them live their own life though you know? He's got to do what he's got to do and all I can do is pray for him a LOT because he's definitely going to need God's protection. Sometimes I don't understand why people go looking for danger, but then I remember somebody's got to do that job. God's wired us all so different and while it doesn't appeal to me in the slightest bit, it's something that other people are so passionate about. Totally blows my mind.

If you can't tell, I'm kind of rambling. I'm blaming it on mt. dew, IHOP late night conversations with my co-workers and the fact that I'm really tired. so this is bed time.

Smell The Color 9

This song sums up my mental state for today, and really the past couple days. Thank goodness for Chris Rice.

I would take 'no' for an answer
Just to know I heard You speak
And I’m wonderin’ why I’ve never
Seen the signs they claim they see
Are the special revelations
Meant for everybody but me?
Maybe I don’t truly know You
Or maybe I just simply believe

‘Cause I can sniff, I can see
And I can count up pretty high
But these faculties aren’t getting me
Any closer to the sky
But my heart of faith keeps poundin’
So I know I’m doin’ fine
But sometimes finding You
Is just like trying to
Smell the color nine

Now I’ve never ‘felt the presence’
But I know You’re always near
And I’ve never ‘heard the calling’
But somehow You’ve led me right here
So I’m not looking for burning bushes
Or some divine graffiti to appear
I’m just beggin’ You for some wisdom
And I believe You’re puttin’ some here

‘Cause I can sniff, I can seek,
I can count up pretty high
But these faculties aren’t getting me
Any closer to the sky
But my heart of faith keeps poundin’
So I know I’m doin’ fine
But sometimes finding You
Is just like trying to
Smell the color nine

Smell the color nine?
But nine’s not a color
And even if it were you can’t smell a color
That’s my point exactly...

All at Once, I get a little Clumsy.

"And all at once the crowd begins to sing, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Maybe you want her, maybe you need her, maybe you've started to compare to someone not there..." -All At Once, The Fray

It happens, all at once. All these things and thoughts just start swirling. People, males in particular, just start crawling out of the woodwork. It's like they just know that I'm going through doubts and insecurities so they decide to like...feast on it. I've gotten the "please take me back, I miss you so much. I promise I've changed and I know I treated you horribly and was a total douche but I really miss you." I've also gotten the "you know I'm so awesome and you know you miss me. You know you want to hang out with me." Really dude. You think that's working? It's just irritating and frustrating. Stupid boys.

Sidenote. Well ok, I guess it's not really a sidenote because it's completely unrelated to the first thought. Kids seem to be a lot .... smarter when it comes to their faith now compared to when I was in high school. I'm truly impressed with these kids. They're debating theological things that I don't even debate. These kids are smarter than me, not that it's really that hard to do sometimes. I guess I'm just impressed.

I'm ending this with lyrics that basically describes my current state and the state I've been in the past few days....

Clumsy - Chris Rice

You think I’d have it down by now
Been practicin’ for thirty years
I should have walked a thousand miles
So what am I still doin’ here
Reaching out for that same old piece of forbidden fruit
I slip and fall and I knock my halo loose
Somebody tell me what’s a boy supposed to do?

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

I’m gonna get it right this time
I’ll be strong and I’ll make You proud
I’ve prayed that prayer a thousand times
But the rooster crows and my tears roll down again
Then You remind me You made me from the dust
And I can never, no never, be good enough
And that You’re not gonna let that come between us

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

From where I stand
Your holiness is up so high I can never reach it
My only hope is to fall on Jesus

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

Raindrops bring Reflection.

It's 2:30 a.m. and I'm laying here in bed listening to the rain outside and my thoughts begin to drift. I start to think back to my jr. high years, my high school years, and the few years of college I have under my belt. What have I really accomplished? Yeah, I have my high school diploma. Super duper. It's a piece of paper...it hardly counts for anything. I spent most of my time for the past 6 years living for no one but myself. When did I become so selfish? So self-centered? Maybe I'm just being really hard on myself but it's been one of those days where I just examine and possibly over-analyze my life.

Jr. high was a mess. No good memories come from jr. high. I was a horrible little monster constantly getting in to trouble. I ran my mouth more than I should have and I had a tendency to tear people down just for kicks and giggles. I was 12. It's not exactly a good foundation for a promising high school career.

High school wasn't as much of a mess. It was actually pretty enjoyable. I still ran my mouth more than I should have. I still got in to some bits of trouble thanks to Miss Daniels and gym class but Mr. Flamm and I came to an understanding about the whole ordeal. She played favorites and I was NOT on that list due to stealing and hiding her stool everyday in freshman health class. I have to say I would still consider myself to be a "mean girl" in high school. People called us "The Plastics". We each had our own designated fictional character from the movie to go along with our real lives. We being my 3 best friends and me in case I didn't establish that earlier. Come to think of it, our friendship almost ended because someone didn't appreciate being called Karen because she wanted to be Regina. Apparently she felt she was the meanest of the group. Some how I don't see how that's something to be proud of or something to strive for but it was high school. Who can honestly say they didn't screw up in high school.

This brings us to college. I have 2 years under my belt. The first year I accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. My study habits were horrible, my grades were terrible and I barely went to class. I hated college. I hated the University of Toledo. I wasn't plugged in and I definitely did not want to join the Greek life like most of my friends did. I was looking for my way out of Toledo. Everyday praying for my escape then I found it. Indiana Wesleyan University was basically my salvation. So much went down while I was there. So many things changed for me. I was no longer the popular girl that everyone knew. No one knew me. I was a nameless face they passed in the hallway. A pair of eyes they'd see when they took my sandwich order at Wildcat. I was a nobody. A feeling I don't think I've ever felt...atleast not since kindergarten. That was the beautiful thing about private school. I was the new kid when I was 4 when I started kindergarten but when you're 4 everyone is new. Since that day I had never gone anywhere by myself without my friends. Being the odd man out was a strange feeling, one that I was not used to or ready for. Thankfully God did a lot in my life while I was at IWU. He showed me a lot of things about myself that needed to change and while I was there things did change but then I came home. By coming home I feel like I've fallen into the same pitfalls again. I'm becoming that mean, selfish, and proud girl from high school. That's not where I want to be. That's not who I want to be come. I am not who I was.

So why is it that despite being a different person now I'm falling backwards in to the same old crap? The constant need for attention. Only doing things to have someone tell me 'good job' as opposed to doing them because they needed to be done. Why do I need the validation from people that in the larger scale of things don't really matter? When did I get here and how do I get to where I need to be. These are my questions and I could really use some answers.

it's a teenie weenie itty bitty baby post.

This is going to be an itty bitty post because 1.) it's almost 2 a.m. and 2.) I'm a wee bit tired from a long weekend.

I missed church today. I don't really like that especially since right now I'm really just searching to try and figure out what's really going on with my life. I find myself confused a lot of the time. I see myself becoming someone I don't want to be and I haven't really done much to stop it. I'm slowly watching myself fade into this new person. Still the nice girl but someone who seems to put God on the back burner. Someone who doesn't act any different from the rest of the world. That's not who I'm called to be. That's not what God wants me to be. I know that yet I have done nothing to stop it. Where did this apathy come from? Where is my passion for my faith? Where did it all go and how can I get it back because I don't want to drift further and further away.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. There are loads of things that need to be fixed. Oh issues, why must there be so many of you in my life and why must you be so hard to fix.

Sometimes, the answer is no.

"Make no mistake every prayer you ever pray gets answered even though sometimes the answer is no....When I think of all the answers in my life I would have to say there's no doubt it was always for the best when I didn't get my way." - Brad Paisley

Well I got my answer. God said no. I'm not going to lie and pretend like I'm not a little disappointed. Sometime I get so lost and focused on what I want. I get a little wrapped up in my plans and possibilities and I completely forget about my purpose for being here. This is not my life. God has me here for His purpose and despite what I may think sometimes, my way is not His way. My way is rarely His way. Someday I'm sure I'll get the hang of this and finally realize that it's easier for me to just follow Him than run ahead to the fork in the road and choose the easiest or the less lonely path. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. How many times will I make the same stupid choices? Without bragging about myself, I will say I've gotten a little bit better, and when I say little bit I'm talking minuscule. You can barely see a difference but there is a little part of me that was holding back until I knew it was right.

Here's another one of my issues. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine. I have a tendency to just go for the quick fix instead of waiting for something. One would think that being as apathetic as I am towards life I wouldn't mind waiting for something and to an extent this is true. I go through phases of being okay with my lot in life and where I am but then something happens or typically someone enters my life and everything gets turned upside down. I begin to actually care. I don't typically care about my life, but about the well-being of the other person, about their life. Then it all comes crashing down in a fiery downward spiral and I'm left mad at myself for letting this all happen again. One would think I would know better by now. So now I'm just trying to get back to that state of being okay with where I am. Not necessarily the apathy, but the contentment. I was there, then this all happened and even though I was unsure of what was going on and what God's plan was, it doesn't mean I wasn't excited about a potential future or the possibilities that would come with a new relationship. It's okay though. I'm just glad that God finally gave me my answer and that I can just let go and move on with my life.

Also, I don't want this to come across as I'm this bitter, angry chick because that isn't really the case. As you can see in previous posts I was having my own uncertainties about the whole thing and I completely understand his point of view of things. I get it...it's cool. Sometimes things just don't work out. I'm just hoping that the awkwardness that was encountered last night isn't how it's going to be because then Houston, we have a problem. Guess this is what I get for falling for someone at work huh. Shoulda, coulda, woulda....

It's a Two-fer.

This comes in two parts and they might contradict themselves. My life is full of contradictions...please forgive me.

First thing on my mind is a dream. My "dream life" if you will. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that I love country music. In loving country music I've also fallen in love with the small town, simple, country life. I would love to live down in a small town in Tennessee. Possibly someday buy a farm or have some land, back porch swing where the gentle breeze blows through my hair as I share the moment with my down home southern man. This is when I think that country music has kind of poisoned me. The southern man that I fantasize over is the one that's describe in any country song. Take Guys Like Me by Eric Church for example. He's a hardworking man, a little rough around the edges and would never take his woman for granted. Another good one that makes me swoon that's a little more recent. Easton Corbin's A Little More Country Than That is amazing. He describes that small town life I would love to have. The dirt road, the fishing, the old ratty hat that's always on my man's head, the honesty and the love. These are all things I dream of having someday. The man that would never take me for granted. The one that's thankful for all the things I do for him. The guy that will sit with me on the back porch someday and watch the sun set with the comfortable silence hanging in the air as the slightest breeze carries the summer smells of honeysuckle and jasmine in the night air. Yeah, this is my dream. Forget the big cities with their noise. Give me cornfields and Friday night football games. If only if only...

This brings me to my second thought. How many people actually end up with their "dream" person? I mean let's be realistic here...you kind of can't help who you fall for. What if I fall for someone who wants to move to New York City or LA? Am I just going to not even give them a chance because we don't share the same country living mentality? I mean it's not that I hate the city. I could live the city. I've lived in a city my entire life. I mean Toledo is no thriving metropolis but it's still a city none the less. It just makes me think. There are all those people that say when they met "THE ONE" they just knew. What the heck does that even mean? I truly don't think I'll be one of those people that "just knows". I don't trust my thoughts anymore. I thought I knew before...I was wrong. I thought I knew the time before that too...what do you know, I was wrong. I'm like the girl that cried husband. It's not like I'm in a huge rush or hurry to scoot down the aisle. Yeah I'd like to be married someday and spit out a few babies...maybe have a dog and a hamster. You know...the American dream. In order to get to that dream though I need to kind of pa ruse the pickings a little bit. I've found one I like but like I stated earlier. I have a really hard time trusting myself these days. Things haven't gone as smoothly as I would have liked. I find myself praying about it a lot and just asking God what's going on. Is he trying to get my attention by throwing up all these road blocks? Is he trying to tell me to run the other direction and not look back? Or is he trying to tell me to just mellow out, shift it in to neutral and just cruise? The more I ask the more silent He seems to be on the matter. It makes me question though if He's whispered his answer to me and I just haven't heard him. I have a tendency to talk too loud and shout while God's trying to tell me something. I'm not very good and just shutting up and listening. I'm a work in progress. Don't mind me...I'll hopefully get it eventually.

God, I want to be ready for your whisper. I pray that I'll hear you when you call and that either way I'll trust your good and perfect will for my life. At the end of the day, you'll never leave me and I don't need anything else but you. Everything else you give me is just a blessing and I appreciate everything and everyone you've blessed me with. I pray that I'll be receptive to what it is you have to say Lord. Open my eyes, my heart, and my ears to your voice.

The Prayer of an Uncertain Girl.

God, in all things you are there. In every situation you know the outcome. I just pray that as I go through this time of worry and doubt that I'll remember no matter what the circumstance YOU are in control. You know exactly what tomorrow will bring. You know exactly what next year will bring. I pray that I'll seek your will and seek your face through it all. Show me the way Lord. Show me through this time of uncertainty.

Things shouldn't be this hard. There shouldn't be this many things that go wrong. Am I trying too hard to make the puzzle piece fit? Is this all me trying to do what I want? Is this really your will for my life right now? Why can't I seem to understand what's going on. Am I being too stubborn and too dense? Am I just over-analyzing every situation? OK, so I'm a spoonful of crazy at times. There are things that I just over-analyze and draw conclusions that aren't necessarily true. I don't gather all the facts and I just go off of what I think or feel. I just don't want to be lied to again. I don't want to fall into that trap, that never ending hole where I just sink deeper and deeper and deeper to the point I don't know which way is up. I don't want to keep falling and avoid all the warning signs if they indeed are warning signs. I get that we're two different people with two different sets of baggage. Going in to anything each person brings their baggage. I get that...it doesn't scare me. I don't want to change him. He's made it perfectly clear he won't change for anyone and I understand no one is perfect. There is no human on the face of the earth that is perfect. It's just I'm just unsure if the differences between the two of us are "deal breakers" or if they can we worked through. Is it all just communication error or is it something much deeper?

We agree on the same morals. We both love God. We both agree on where we draw the line. We both enjoy each others company...we're just two different people with two different ways of communicating. Failure to communicate can easily become bad news bears. I don't know if I would classify it as a "failure" though. That's such a harsh word...we're just different.

People always told me being different was a "good" thing. You're not like everyone else. Yeah. Cool. Everyone is different. Sometimes I wish that people were the same across the board. It would make things a little easier. I don't enjoy trying to figure people out, read their motives and intentions. I especially don't enjoy that nagging voice inside my head or the aching feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad is going to happen. Why is it that words and actions don't always match up? Maybe if they did, I wouldn't be in this current situation.

God. Help me. I really need you now.

In the Stillness, In the Quiet.

In the quiet, in the stillness, I know that you are God. In the secret of your presence, I know there I am restored. - None But Jesus, Hillsong

Sometimes I think I'm just afraid to be quiet. I'm a loud girl and when I say loud I mean like girl from Jersey, large Italian family loud except I'm from Ohio and I'm Korean. So basically I'm just really loud and have nothing to do with Jersey or Italians. Well now that we've established that we can move on. When I think about my life I'm just surrounded by noise and in being surrounded by noise I get so easily distracted. The ticking of the clock reminds me I'm running late for work. The honking of car horns reminds me that green means GO. The constant clanging, banging, and general loudness of working in a restaurant reminds me that CRAP! I have to run rice to 64, get refills for 63, greet 53 and run plates to the grill and refill their water bottles all in 5 minutes. Noise tends to mean stress for me yet I can't seem to just be quiet. What concerns me is if I'm not taking the time to actually be quiet, how am I going to hear God? I mean God has plenty of ways of getting my attention but He doesn't always speak with neon signs. Sometimes it's the faintest whisper but in my current state in a world full of noise that soft, sweet whisper of encouragement, hope or reassurance can quickly and effectively be drowned out. I need to hear His whispers. I need to shut my mouth, open my ears and just be quiet. In the stillness of God's presence I'm restored. When I'm running around like a crazy person I need that rest and restoration. I need the quiet. It's time for me to sit down, shut up, and listen up.

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for YOU ALONE, O Lord, will keep me safe." - Psalm 4:8