Well I got my answer. God said no. I'm not going to lie and pretend like I'm not a little disappointed. Sometime I get so lost and focused on what I want. I get a little wrapped up in my plans and possibilities and I completely forget about my purpose for being here. This is not my life. God has me here for His purpose and despite what I may think sometimes, my way is not His way. My way is rarely His way. Someday I'm sure I'll get the hang of this and finally realize that it's easier for me to just follow Him than run ahead to the fork in the road and choose the easiest or the less lonely path. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. How many times will I make the same stupid choices? Without bragging about myself, I will say I've gotten a little bit better, and when I say little bit I'm talking minuscule. You can barely see a difference but there is a little part of me that was holding back until I knew it was right.
Here's another one of my issues. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine. I have a tendency to just go for the quick fix instead of waiting for something. One would think that being as apathetic as I am towards life I wouldn't mind waiting for something and to an extent this is true. I go through phases of being okay with my lot in life and where I am but then something happens or typically someone enters my life and everything gets turned upside down. I begin to actually care. I don't typically care about my life, but about the well-being of the other person, about their life. Then it all comes crashing down in a fiery downward spiral and I'm left mad at myself for letting this all happen again. One would think I would know better by now. So now I'm just trying to get back to that state of being okay with where I am. Not necessarily the apathy, but the contentment. I was there, then this all happened and even though I was unsure of what was going on and what God's plan was, it doesn't mean I wasn't excited about a potential future or the possibilities that would come with a new relationship. It's okay though. I'm just glad that God finally gave me my answer and that I can just let go and move on with my life.
Also, I don't want this to come across as I'm this bitter, angry chick because that isn't really the case. As you can see in previous posts I was having my own uncertainties about the whole thing and I completely understand his point of view of things. I get it...it's cool. Sometimes things just don't work out. I'm just hoping that the awkwardness that was encountered last night isn't how it's going to be because then Houston, we have a problem. Guess this is what I get for falling for someone at work huh. Shoulda, coulda, woulda....
