Jr. high was a mess. No good memories come from jr. high. I was a horrible little monster constantly getting in to trouble. I ran my mouth more than I should have and I had a tendency to tear people down just for kicks and giggles. I was 12. It's not exactly a good foundation for a promising high school career.
High school wasn't as much of a mess. It was actually pretty enjoyable. I still ran my mouth more than I should have. I still got in to some bits of trouble thanks to Miss Daniels and gym class but Mr. Flamm and I came to an understanding about the whole ordeal. She played favorites and I was NOT on that list due to stealing and hiding her stool everyday in freshman health class. I have to say I would still consider myself to be a "mean girl" in high school. People called us "The Plastics". We each had our own designated fictional character from the movie to go along with our real lives. We being my 3 best friends and me in case I didn't establish that earlier. Come to think of it, our friendship almost ended because someone didn't appreciate being called Karen because she wanted to be Regina. Apparently she felt she was the meanest of the group. Some how I don't see how that's something to be proud of or something to strive for but it was high school. Who can honestly say they didn't screw up in high school.
This brings us to college. I have 2 years under my belt. The first year I accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. My study habits were horrible, my grades were terrible and I barely went to class. I hated college. I hated the University of Toledo. I wasn't plugged in and I definitely did not want to join the Greek life like most of my friends did. I was looking for my way out of Toledo. Everyday praying for my escape then I found it. Indiana Wesleyan University was basically my salvation. So much went down while I was there. So many things changed for me. I was no longer the popular girl that everyone knew. No one knew me. I was a nameless face they passed in the hallway. A pair of eyes they'd see when they took my sandwich order at Wildcat. I was a nobody. A feeling I don't think I've ever felt...atleast not since kindergarten. That was the beautiful thing about private school. I was the new kid when I was 4 when I started kindergarten but when you're 4 everyone is new. Since that day I had never gone anywhere by myself without my friends. Being the odd man out was a strange feeling, one that I was not used to or ready for. Thankfully God did a lot in my life while I was at IWU. He showed me a lot of things about myself that needed to change and while I was there things did change but then I came home. By coming home I feel like I've fallen into the same pitfalls again. I'm becoming that mean, selfish, and proud girl from high school. That's not where I want to be. That's not who I want to be come. I am not who I was.
So why is it that despite being a different person now I'm falling backwards in to the same old crap? The constant need for attention. Only doing things to have someone tell me 'good job' as opposed to doing them because they needed to be done. Why do I need the validation from people that in the larger scale of things don't really matter? When did I get here and how do I get to where I need to be. These are my questions and I could really use some answers.
