Change...

Why is it that one little word is so hard to do? As humans I feel like we get stuck into our own mindsets, ruts, or habits and its nearly impossible to break through it on your own. I've got my own bad habits to break and I got into a conversation with one of my best friends about them tonight. I have to say I don't like talking about them. I feel like an idiot and incredibly stupid for even admitting to them. Even though I know that its...well stupid I still let it bother me. For some reason, other people's opinions are important to me...its juvenile I realize, but it's true. So after this conversation, I basically feel like crap. I decided to come back to my room and take a peak in my devotional book at the one I was supposed to do last night. The passage was based out of Matthew 6 and it talked about worry; about worrying what you'll eat, wear...etc. Jesus doesn't want competition and he's number one above all else. When you start placing material possessions ahead of him, you're making him less of a priority. So as I'm reading this I'm like ok I don't really see how this applies to my current situation and then I had to choke back the words I hate saying...Nate's right. As much as I hate to tell him that, he kind of is. Who really cares what other people think, their opinions don't matter. Is what they think true? No, well there you go...etc. (He said many more things...all along the same line) As annoying as it is, and I don't want to admit it but he's kind of right. God's opinion is the only one that matters...Now here I am, trying to figure out what to do. Just because I know God's opinion is the only one that matters it doesn't make it any easier to forget about everyone else. Old habits die hard....which brings me back to why is change so hard? I guess all I can do is take little baby steps. It kind of reminds me of a clip in A Bug's Life. Stick with me here...cause it may be a little bit of a stretch. In the begining of the movie you see all the little ants stuck in their daily routines collecting their food for the grasshoppers when the leaf floats down and cuts off the ant from the rest of the line. He results in panic. "I'M LOST" While he's panicing, the older ant comes and tells him to focus on him. "Don't look away from my eyes...don't look away" and while he's concentrating on the older ant he's taking little baby steps around the leaf and finds the line again. Now like I said, it's a little bit of a stretch, but I feel like that's what happens with change for me. I'll be in my routine, doing what I do every day, following what everyone else does and living life how I want to then a leaf falls and I'm utterly lost. I don't know what to do and I'm just standing there with shaky knees. That's when God comes to my rescue. Don't look away from Him and the little baby steps you're taking turn into a different path back to life. Now in the movie the ant in the end looks away and does his own thing again and thats typically what I do...but what happens when another leaf falls? I'm back inthe same position. I think by never taking your eyes off God, each baby step of change will turn into a new habit, but instead of being bad, it'll be good. I guess I just rambled a little bit...but that's basically what's been on my mind as of late.

Right Here, Right Now

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when they come up." - Matthew 6:34 [The Message]

So I apparently have anxiety issues. Last night I couldn't sleep because I was just freaking out. I had read this passage over and over in the NIV version, but I was too lazy to pull out the NIV last night so I grabbed the Message and I really like how that last verse was phrased. Currently I'm going through a lot of changes and not really getting what I neccesarily want and because I have control issues that I'm currently trying to work on...I just worry. I worry that what happens when the time comes and what I want doesn't happen. How will I deal? How will I make it through? Then I read this and felt so stupid and self-centered. God will be there. He'll hold my hand through it all. Plus who's to say that it won't happen? I'm just a worry-wart. The first part kind of grabbed my attention though, it kind of goes along with that song I was talking about. My entire attention to what God is doing right now. Right now is where I'm supposed to be focusing. Getting back on the right path with God. Following his will for my life. Listening to him. That's what I'm supposed to be doing. Not worrying about the future. Right now. This moment is the only thing that matters.

While I'm Waiting

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waitingI will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord
-John Waller, While I'm Waiting

So yesterday, I went and saw Fireproofed with some friends at school. It was in the Globe Theatre, it was free I figured eh...why not. I was not expecting much out of it...but I actually liked it. Don't get me wrong, the acting was well...mediocre but the concepts presented were so good. In one of the scenes I heard this song and I completely feel in love with it. I then went to look up the lyrics and the place I found them gave a little bit of a snippet of when he wrote this song. At the time he was hurting and one of his friends told him to write down how he was feeling. He told a little bit more of the story and he ended with a little reminder. He said to not just wait on God, but to actively wait. We should serve, worship and be faithful with what you have and where you are in life. After I read that I kind of just stopped and thought a few minutes about it...it kind of goes along with my issues with contentment. I'm always looking to add something to my life to make it that much better. I just thought it was a challenging thought.

Humility

So I was about to launch into this long post about how much I'm frusterated with my life right now, and how everything is just so hard. Basically the entire focus was on...ding ding ding ME. Today in chapel, there was a girl that spoke and I'm not a huge fan on female speakers so I'm not going to lie, I kind of only half listened. She talked about how at times we selfishly seek God. Like I said, I kind of only half listened, but as I was getting ready to type out this post about me me me, I remember a verse that I purposely put on my laptop so I'll see it everyday as a reminder.

"Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up" James 4:10

Moral of the story. I'm REALLY bad at being humble. I keep trying to pull myself up by the bootstraps when it just makes me fall face first into the mud and the muck. Its my stupid pride that gets in the way of doing what God wants me to do. I guess I don't really know what to do other than work on giving up control of my life. It's definately one of those easier said than done things. I know it's going to be a fight, but once I get the hang of it, my life will be so much better when He's steering the ship. Thats just my thought for the day. Slightly random maybe, but its kind of what I'm dealing with.

Offering of Love

Well I've gotten emotional again. The only thing is...I don't know who to talk it out with. Obviously there's God...no worries I haven't forgotten about Him, I just feel like I need some human encouragement. I just don't know who to call.

I just left Summit (IWU's Spiritual Emphasis Week) and I have to say God has worked in so many lives including my own. We talked about bowing down to God. Stop taking yourself so seriously and taking God so lightly and I honestly realized how often I do that. I always think that I can fix things myself. I'm stubborn. I have to do things my way because apparently my way is best...but its SO not. Especially with everything as up in the air as it is now...I really need to rely on God's control. I want to be used by God. He's all I need.

I'm sorry I'm just having a hard time gathering my thoughts right now...there is just so many things I want to say that they're all trying to fight their way out. Too bad they've all just .... jammed up my brain and I now have writers block. Maybe I'll be a little more clear tomorrow...

I'll just leave you with one of my favorite worships songs from my days in Praise Band. We learned this song my sophomore year of high school at snow camp. Our youth intern had a buddy that wrote this song and it has become one of my all time favorites. I get it stuck in my head all the time....

"Father I fall at your feet and give thanks for this love, that I'm not worthy of. You hold me in hands that lead Jesus to his sacrifice, oh how you love my life. You have searched me, you have found me, you have saved my soul. You love me so you break me and I begin to understand the way you gave up your son so that I can run through the fields of grace with a heart of praise this life I owe I will give it all to be an offering of love."

Wise Words...

"I'm a drifter out on a dead end road

Trying to find my way back home to get to You

Oh to get to You ...

Lord I've been gone for far too long

Headed to places I don't belong

And I've got to get back home to You"

-DecembeRadio

I've been told recently that I relate song lyrics to my life. To an extent I guess that's pretty true and I've become obsessed with this song lately. I guess I should thank Adlai for introducing me to the band. Recently it seems like I've been like this. I'm trying to come back home into the arms of the loving Savior. I've walked away from God and just drifted to a bunch of other things to find my happiness. I'm so horrible at directing my own life. I truely am. I invest my time and efforts into the things I think should happen and I end up making a mess of things. I'm so thankful though that God's always there. He is the one constant I can count on. I'm also so thankful for the people He's placed in my life to encourage me. Some friends I made during my high school years have been phenonmenal to me these past few weeks. They've prayed for me, offered encouragement and wisdom. They've directed me to Bible passages and reminded me of the Biblical principles I never should've forgotten. They've also showed me that I'm not alone in this. They're dealing with their own uncertanties about the future and have told me how their handling it. I'm so grateful for them! I have to say these are my favorite pieces of thought....

"plan with wisdom and walk by faith"

It sounds so simple and it seems like its a no brainer, yet for me its so hard to do! I don't really understand why that is other than I have issues.

"Godliness with contentment is great gain"

Now this one, I know I struggle with A LOT. Contentment does not come easy for me. I never feel like I'm fully satisfied, but that could be that I've always invested myself into the wrong things. I would tell myself that..."if I only had that outfit, I'd be content"..."if only we would be together, I'd be content"...I think you get the idea. The idea of being happy with what you have, no matter how little it is or how much it is truely appeals to me. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've lived this horrible existance and I've hated my life but I don't know if I've ever truely been content with the place that I was. I was always looking for something to make it that much better. Like I said...this has been my food for thought recently.

Worst Weekend EVER...

This has to quite possible be the worst weekend ever! For some reason though, I don't really want to complain. I just want to explain.

Friday was one of those days that I just felt like a nothing. An insignificant speck. To make matters worse, I just felt...off. Things felt off. It was hard to explain, but I was ready to take a trip back home. Well I had a couple classes and chapel to make it through first. World Changers wasn't bad. It was one of those get-to-know-your-class classes. Then I headed to chapel. Thats where I just got emotional. I was upset about something, but I couldn't exactly figure out what it was, and the more people tried to pry it open, the more emotional I got. Well Nate tried, and I just started crying. Well I then made it to American Ed. after and I was just fine. I came back to my room, and packed up to head home. We left shortly after Nate's class and for some reason just being around him made me clam up. I just didn't want to talk to him. Everytime he would ask what was wrong, I would just start crying. I didn't understand. Well not until later that night that is. I managed to get my mouth moving and we started talking and I was just fine. Fast forward to later that night...things still were off and the more we started talking about it the more we saw that God was telling us to take a step back and instead of focusing on each other, to focus on Him. So that's what we did. Took a step back and wait on His perfect timing. I'm not going to lie, it is a little frusterating, but I have to trust that God will bring everything together in His time.

Saturday was not much better. My reasoning for going back home was to take my Praxis I exams, that I probably won't need. However, the tests were paid for so I figured I would take them. But oh wait...what's this? SNOW! We had tons of snow and it just kept falling and falling. I drive a Ford Focus. A very small, compact car. Not really made for driving through 8 inches of snow. Well I got to UT in time to take my first hour test. I took it and then made my way back home through the snow and the slush to take a break and eat something. One my way home I almost died, three times. Remember how I said I have a small, compact car? Remember how I said it's not made to drive in the snow? Yeah, so after almost sliding into oncoming traffic and two different forms of poles, I just wanted to get home and stay there. Well I got home, not wanting to return to the horrible roads and what does my mom say? "You're going back and you're taking that test. No arguements." So what do I do you ask? Grab my cell phone and crawl into bed sobbing. I called Nate and told him how awful it is that I have to take my test and just became this whiny little baby, but I couldn't stop. I just kept crying. Well, it got to the point where I had to get out of bed and make the awful trek back to school. I got there safely, took my last section, and headed back home to pack up to leave for school. Well, to make a long story short, we ended up staying at my house another night. The roads were awful, and from Angola to Marion it was LOTS of ice.

Sunday started out better than the other days had. We woke up at 6:30, then I decided that sleep would be a better option then getting up. We ended up leaving Toledo around 9 and the roads weren't too bad. The car ride was enjoyable, even with all that's going on I can't help but enjoy his company. He's my best friend. Even when he's the most annoying creature on the planet I can't help but love him. So you're asking, why was Sunday adding to your worst weekend ever? I come back, get all my stuff put away in my room and sit down to check my school email account to find that my favorite person on the whole entire campus. My confidant here, has decided to take the semester off because of medical needs. Now I understand that they're medical needs, she didn't exactly have a say in the matter but never the less, my emotions made a quick appearance again. I'm severely bummed. I honestly and truely am. I don't know what is going on or what God is trying to do here. I just know he's trying REALLY REALLY hard to get my attention. He's taken away the distractions. The potential "boyfriend/girlfriend" title, the person to complain to, and the emotions have been placed right on my sleeve where they are hard to ignore. All I can say is God, I'm listening. You're humbling me. Showing me that I can't do this without you. I'm here and I'm listening.

Life = Frusterations...

Why is it that as you get older it seems as if there are no "little" decisions anymore. They all seem to be life altering decisions. At the ripe old age of 17 you get to decide what you will be FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Now children, choose wisely because making the wrong decision will cause for years of misery down the road. Now don't worry, you do have time to change your major while you are in college, that's what college is for right? but make sure you have the support of your family; without it....you're basically screwed. As far as other big decisions go...the person you marry. Now now don't jump to conclusions, I'm not ultimately at that stage in life yet, but still it's on my mind. Once again, choose wisely or you will become another one of those pesky statitistics. You will be contributing to the 50% divorce rate in America.

Now, after that short little rant, let me just say this. I don't know why I stress about these big decisions. I honestly don't. I shouldn't. I have an almighty God that loves me enough to take care of me. Yet, here I sit. Stressing. Freaking. Angry. and Frusterated. God's tough I know he can handle my petulant whining, however I still feel like a horrible person for doing it. I feel as if I'm a horrible Christian because I have issues of letting go of the reigns and handing them over to him; like I'm never going to learn my lesson about control. So tell me, what's a girl to do? I know that prayer is a mighty tool, but what do you do when you feel as if they're going unanswered? I've grown up in church, I know the answers. He always answers prayer in His timing. So if I think about this...lets count how many things I have wrong with me shall we?

1. I'm being a whiny little child
2. I apparently have control and trust issues
3. Patience is not a virtue I possess
4. I stress out about stupid things

Now those are four pretty big things. I guess the only thing I can say is, I'm happy I have a loving God that puts up with all of my insecurties and flaws and STILL loves me enough to do what's best for me.

Peace, Love, and Understanding

What is so funny about peace, love, and understanding?

"And as I walked on through troubled times
My spirit gets so downhearted sometimes
So where are the strong and who are the trusted?
And where is the harmony? Sweet harmony...

Cause each time I feel it slippin away, just makes me wanna cry.
Whats so funny bout peace love & understanding?
ohhhh whats so funny about peace love & understanding?"
-Elvis Costello

So many times I wonder what God is doing. I think I'm just restless about everything. I get settled in at a new school, with new people. Then out of no where I feel restless, unsettled about where I am. The direction I felt I was being lead in, is turning out to be something unappealing and not what I'm supposed to be doing. So as it is right now, staying here is not what I'm supposed to do. So many people asked, do you hate the school? Is it that horrible there? No, it really isn't! The people aren't that bad, the food is iffy, and over-all it's pretty nice. I don't know why I've become so restless, but apparently there's a reason for it. I know teaching is not for me. I don't think I have it in me. So many teachers find their enjoyment in working with the children and while I like kids, I don't think liking children is enough of a justification to stay in the program. So I'm feeling pulled into a different direction. One I've thought about and researched since I was in jr. high. Cosmetology, here we come! Now, an explanation of the taste of Elvis Costello at the begining. Support would be nice. Support from my family especially. I don't care if you agree with my decision, but you have to let me do what I need to do. By ridiculing me and putting me down, you're not helping the situation. You're just ruining the relationship that we have. You're making it so much harder to get along. Just support me in my decision, whether you agree with me or not. We're blood. It's pretty thick. Shouldn't you be on my side? Deciding on a new career path isn't a moral sin you know. It's no reason to make life for both of us miserable.

And for anybody else out there who cares, I would love it if you would pray for me. That I'll have the wisdom to make sure this is really what God wants for me. That I'll have the strength to make it through my final semester. That I'll be happy in what I choose to do. I think you see the point.

Ain't life a beautiful ride?

F*R*I*E*N*D*S

I'm in love with Friends. I got the first two seasons for Christmas and I'm fully enjoying it!

One another note, School starts Tuesday. I leave tomorrow...and I'm not very excited about it! I've come to the conclusion that I just really don't like school in general. It's just not my thing...I'd rather do something where I get out of school faster....Cosmetology is a 10 month program. Sounds nice right? lol Ahh I'm rambling...and I'm tired. Yay for Sunday afternoon naps!