So much from a break?

Well spring break is here! I have to say though...I'm having a pretty miserable time so far...Things just aren't going as well as I would like. Don't get me wrong..there are definately highlights and good things that have happened...but God I don't know what you're trying to do in other situations. I'm afraid he's never going to forgive me for the hurt I've caused him but God I shouldn't worry about that. That's between the two of you right? I know you can change his heart God, I'm sorry I'm having such a hard time trusting you...its just going to be one of those weeks. I can already tell and I can already feel it...I'm just so confused and flustered right now! I don't want to let you down, and I don't want things to go back to the way that they were. You're always in control...show me what you want me to do....

Sunny with a High of 55

Thank you Lord for a beautiful day! I can't thank you enough for the sunshine and warmer weather! God you knew I needed it today and I just thank you so much for it!

Today was a lovely day! It didn't quite reach 55, but it was warmer, the sun was shining and I was actually happy. I had a good day. I'm so thankful for that! I haven't had a day when I've felt this good in a while, Thank you Lord. The sun was shining, I took two walks around campus, got a blended lemonade from McConn...it was just a really good day! I don't want to brag about it, but I'm really excited! I'm excited to see the work that God is doing in me! I just feel like He's ready to show me so many things about himself and I can't wait. I've had to make some really hard decisions lately, and don't get me wrong...I hurt, but I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me! I've been praying for guidance and I've been praying for the person I hurt. I'm sorry that it had to go this way but I need to change and by hanging on to something from the past it just wasn't going to happen. I was to vulnerable to the devil if you read my previous post. My emotions were involved and exposed and I need to change, this is the way that it has to be for now. I've turned the situation over to God. I've decided that if he wants to bless me with that friendship again than I will be more than willing to accept it, but the opposite is also true. If it's not in His plan for my future, I'm just going to have to let it go. I'm seeking Him, and I'm waiting for His direction, and I don't know if I've said this already...but I'm really excited! lol

The Armor of God

It's been a pretty long day today. An unfortunate situation basically erupted today and I'm still a little worked up about it. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but all this happened before I made my commitment to change and it's just like one thing after the other these days...I've got a lot of people praying for me and I know prayer is a powerful tool. I called my friend Steve and kind of talked through some things with him and he told me about what he had gone over in Bible study that morning. They were going over the Armor of God found in Ephesians 6. After telling him about the commitment that I made he started reading out of his NLT. There is a section of application on the armor of God and this is what it has to say....

God's Armor For Us : We are engages in a spiritual battle--all believers find themselves subject to Satan's attacks because they are no longer on Satan's side. Thus, Paul tells us to use every piece of God's armor to resist Satan's attacks and to stand true to God in the midst of those attacks.

The Belt of Truth : Satan fights with lies and sometimes his lies sound like the truth; but only believers have God's truth, which can defeat Satan's lies.

The Body Armor of Righteousness : Satan often attacks our hearts--the seat of our emotions, self-worth, and trust. God's righteousness is the body armor that protects our heart and ensures his approval. He approves of us because he loves us and sent his Son to die for us.

The Shoes of Good News : Satan wants us to think that telling others the Good News is a worthless and hopeless task -- the size of the task is too big and teh negative responses are too much to handle. But the shoes God gives us are the motivation to continue to proclaim the true peace that is available in God -- news everyone needs to hear

The Shield of Faith : What we see are Satan's attacks in the form of insults, setbacks, and temptations. But they shield of faith protects us from Satan's fiery arrows. With God's perspective we can see beyong our circumstances and know that ultimate victory is ours.

The Helmet of Salvation : Satan wants to make us doubt God, Jesus and our salvation. The helmet protects our mind from doubting God's saving work for us.

The Sword (Word of God) : The sword is the only weapon of offense in this list of armor. There are times when we need to take the offensive against Satan. When we are tempted we need to trust in the truth of God's Word.

So I realize that was long but it was definately applicable to my life right now. I made the commitment to change, Satan's mad I'm done with his ways...so now he's trying to get me to give up. Right now he's using the lies, my emotions, and setbacks. I'm trying to fight back but I'm afraid that I'm failing...I've pulled out the stops and have enlisted the help of people to pray for me and encourage me. God I know you are pursuing me and I am pursuing you...I want to live my life for You.

Power of a Moment...

I'm so thankful for my RA. I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with her today and she's an amazing person. I'm going through so many hurts and disappointments and confusion and she's lent a listening ear, offered advice when she had some to offer, and just was there for me. I don't know how else to explain it other than God heard and answered my prayer of lonliness. He sent me Kayliegh who not only comes from a similiar story, but has a love and passion and joy in Him that I cannot wait to have. She challenged me with a few questions...mostly she challenged me with the question "Who am I in God?" I haven't come up with any answers yet...but I'm definately thinking about it. I've made my commitment to you God. I'm not backing away this time...

Love...

1 John 4:18

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

"Love is patient, love is kind. it does not evny, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love Never Fails."

I have such a skewed view of love. Basically what it comes down to is...I'm not loving the way I should be. I'm honestly doubting that love can make it through anything. I'm not refering to perfect love, I'm refering to the love that I have. I doubt it can keep things together and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to reach a perfect love. I'm not saying its impossible, but I'm just not sure. I've got so many other things going on inside myself. Fear is a big part of it...and I know what I'm being punished for. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm trying..I'm struggling..I'm crying...still. Taking everything one day at a time is basically how this is going to have to work, but what I think it comes down to is this....I don't really love you and I'm still struggling to think that you love me...

Sunday Sunday Sunday...

This morning I got on facebook and saw some articles posted by one of my friends back home. He posted three different articles all by John Piper. Say waht you will about the man...not everyone agrees with him...but I was raised Baptist so you have to allow some John Piper in my life. lol

Article 1 : How Can I Discern the Specific Calling of God on my Life?
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TopicIndex/92_Knowing_Gods_Will/2482_How_can_I_discern_the_specific_calling_of_God_on_my_life/
Article 2 : How Can I Discern the Specific Ministry God Wants Me to Pursue?
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TopicIndex/92_Knowing_Gods_Will/2567_How_can_I_discern_what_ministry_God_wants_me_to_pursue/
Article 3 : How Should I Spend My Time?
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TopicIndex/92_Knowing_Gods_Will/3143_How_should_I_spend_my_time/


Hopefully those links will work. They're pretty good articles and they definately are applicable to where I am in life! They talked a lot about renewing your mind and immersing yourself into God's word. I'm in the process of doing that, or atleast I'm trying to. It'll probably take a while, and I'm not expecting a quick fix. Quick fixes never last...I want this to be something that sticks. I'm tired of getting the quick fix and then going back to the way things used to be. I want to do things the right way.

I am so ready for summer. Give me the warm weather, the tan, the cookouts and the fireworks. Bring on the flip flops and the thunderstorms. Bring on the best friends and the unforgettable moments. I'm ready for summer...

Proverbs 3:5

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."

I learned this verse eons ago when I was really young in Sparkies. Then I learned it again in Chums. Then I learned it again in jr high Bible classes, and Sunday school classes, and basically every other form of Bible teaching or church related card/encouraging note. Over all those years, I kind of just brushed it off because I knew what the verse said and I knew what the verse meant...yet as stupid as it sounds I didn't realize how applicable it was to life, especially my own. I'm not going to lie, I have trust issues. I have issues not being in control and letting someone else be the one to take the reigns. Naturally everyone would assume that I'm a leader...well you're wrong. For the most part, I'll let someone else lead the large group, I'm more of a blend into the background follower; atleast when it comes to academic groups and assignments. I do, however, like to be in control. I like to control what I'm feeling and I like to control what happens in my life but I've completely realized that sometimes things happen that as much as you'd like to control them...you can't. God is the only controller of everything. I feel like a horrible Christian by saying I have a hard time trusting God, but as I've proved yet again...when I try to control my life I make a mess of it. I make a mess of my emotions. I make a mess of my future. I myself become a mess. Now that I've made the realization, the next step is to really try. I know I have a huge problem with it. I have a huge problem with many things. I'm trying though. I'm trying to change. I'm not content with "just being the way I've always been" I was born with a sinful nature. If you knew me in jr high you would've thought I was the spawn of Satan...but I'm not happy with just being the way I am. I need to change. I have many things I need to tackle and I'm not looking forward to the inevitable tears along the way, but it needs to happen. I need to change. This is going to have to be my me and God time. I'm eager to see how God works in me, and I'm excited to be changed. I'm not naive though, it's going to be rough and I'm going to feel really low, but thats what I need.

"God always works with people where they are, doing for them what they need most"

seasons change...so can I

Galatians 6:7-10

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4-8

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:...."

"a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,a time to embrace and a time to refrain; a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away; a time to tear down and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

As I haven't kept from hiding, I've been going through a lot. I've made my decision after praying about it and reading what God has already said in His word. It's not going to be an easy road to travel. It won't be enjoyable. I'm trusting that this too shall pass. I've been finding comfort in the fact that there is a time for everything. This is my time to reap what I've sown. I'm paying for the sins that I have done...and I'm ashamed but I know that through this I will become a stronger and better Christian. I feel like this has been my breaking point. Throughout my entire life I've played a type of hide and seek game with God. I'd run and hide, live my life whatever way I wanted to...but he'd find me and then it would be my turn to seek him. Then once I've found him I run and hide again. I'm tired of playing the game. I don't want to hide anymore and I know I cannot make it through this on my own strength. My sinful nature has been showing through lately...I've been struggling a lot of envy and jealousy. Two very similar and equally ugly emotions. I'm trying to change and I know it won't be easy. I've been praying about it and looking for ways to make the change, but as we all know changes don't happen overnight. It's going to be a process and it's going to take a toll on me emotionally. But I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength...

two-a-day? kind of?

Well I realize I just updated a few hours ago...but blogging helps me see and process what I'm thinking through. Currently I've just had a lot on my mind. A lot of pressure. I've been upset, angry, hurt, disappointed, jealousy, and hurt again. These are the emotions that have plagued my past few weeks. They're not pretty ones. I'm having the hardest time trying to be happy. I've cried, a lot. It's been intense and I'm tired of crying out of hopelessness. Today, I made use of my crying and I cried...hard. I cried out to God. It's something that I've been struggling to do. I keep thinking that I can make this through with my own strength...and I can't. I've given it over to Him. He's the only one that can control the situation the way it needs to be. I still don't know what I'm going to do...but I'm spending a lot of time praying about it. I've been looking up passage after passage having to deal with friendship, forgiveness, jealousy, commitment...etc. I'm waiting for God to guide me in the direction I need to go. I deserve respect and I deserve more than I'm getting...but I can't demand it. All I can do is pray that God shows me the correct way to handle the situation. Walk far away and give up hope? or do I suffer through the pain and the hurt. Stand by his side and do my best to be there for him. Both don't seem like really great options, but I know I'd be able to handle either one with God's help. I'm just at a loss as to what that is right now...Open my eyes and my heart God! Let me see your will for this.

cry me a river...

I'm pretty sure I've just cried way to much lately. My pillow case is a testament to that. Its been wrecked by streaks of my so called "waterproof" mascara. God I'm trying to hard to trust you, but I'm failing miserably. I'm miserable. I'm trying my hardest not to be petty...but I find myself choking on the words. I just want to scream, but I know it won't help anything. God please just lead me in the direction you want me to go...I'm not sure how much longer I can stand at this fork in the road.

Dolorian anyone??

Well I'm still waiting on that time machine.

I don't know what I want these days. Somedays I consider saying screw people all together, but then I remember...oh yeah I'd be depressed...and I'm talking majorly depressed. Then again...no people means no disappointment other than yourself. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the exchange. I'm re-reading through some old books...some Dee Hendersons and one of my old Bible study books. Papa Bear would be so proud. Especially seeing as its one of those topics I sturggle with the most. I'm excited though...I'm hoping my mentality about the subject will be altered drastically. I could use some drastic changes...problem is I'm not good at making them. I never have been. Going away to school was a streeeetttttcccchhhh. Part of me thinks I made a mistake in doing so. Oh well, you learn from your mistakes. Some lessons take a lot of repitition to finally show me that SURPRISE! it's a mistake and its NOT making anything better. Now I love that I always say this but I still do stupid things. Yeah something's gotta give...I'm just not sure at the moment what that is. I guess I only have to be in the situation a few more months...then it will become a lot harder to make the same mistakes...ooh life. full of disappointments and heart break. hip hip hooray.

decisions, decisions...

Ever wish that time travel was real? Maybe not actually go back in time...but have a video record of what could have happened based on decisions you've made. You could see the outcome of what could have actually happened. I have to say I wish I did. I know the days I'd go back to. The wrong decisions that were made, but I wonder even if I made the other decision would it have turned out any better? I'm not going to lie, I really regret some of the decisions I've made in the past couple years. I've screwed up quite a few times. Yes, I've made quite a few mistakes. Now I'm not sure what to do...put the walls back up? Take some time to recover and piece my life back together? Not sure I like that option...it involves pushing people away...taking time to myself...and letting in the few people that have never let me down...

Disappointment is such a funny thing. You always think you know how you're going to handle it...that is until it happens and you're just like wow...this hurts a lot more than I thought it would...You know it sucks when you don't know what to do. I've been at this place countless times...and I'm starting to get tired of it. Trying to find the solution to the issue...not gonna be easy...I wish I wasn't such a disappointment to you God. I don't know how it is that you could possible still love me. I don't deserve it. I've made the same mistakes over and over and over again...thank you for still being here for me. Help me learn my lesson for good this time God. I want to be a better Christian for you...

Do you like to ramble?

...apparently I sure do.

So I'm pretty sure I've just become a lunatic. Straight up crazy. My emotions are a swing pendulum. One second I'm happy as can be, the next I'm freaking out because someone drank my water. Isn't it lovely? NO.

I'm so frusterated right now. I'm frusterated with myself for being so stupid. It's so easy to get caught up in yourself...atleast it is for me. What I want, what I think should happen...I think you get the picture. What happens when it turns out...its not about what YOU think. Oh! I know this one!! You get humbled, real fast. It's not fun...it's not pretty...and for the stubborn, insecure, and slightly neurotic person like I am, it takes a while. No matter how many times I say, ok I'm going to do it this time. I'm really going to listen to God and what He wants for me, somehow it always turns into what I want. I'm so frusterated with it and with myself. How did I get this way? I don't remember always being like this? Or maybe I've always been this way and just never cared enough to try and change. Well these days its getting to the point where I have to make life altering decisions. Decisions that not only affect my life, but could potentially hurt someone I care about. Life is frusterating. I realize everything happens for a reason. I know this. I just don't know how to handle it. I'm not used to this. God, I'm miserable. I've done a horrible job trying to piece my life together. You are the one that has control God. Take my life and use it for your glory and honor and as painful as it is, continue to humble me God. My pride and selfishness keep getting in the way. Humble me God...

How Deep...

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I knoww that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

One of my favorite hymns. I love it. It reminds me of how undeserving I really am. Especially with the way things have been going for me recently; the stupid and selfish choices, I'm glad to know loving my Father is. I don't deserve it.