Just remember....I wrote it for you.

It's shocking really how completely different my life has turned out....I had the opportunity to hang out with old friends from high school tonight and it was so great to see them. I love them...I've missed them but wow...I feel like sometimes I'm on a completely different life path then they are. Our night was spent catching up with little tid bits here and there about school, life, and most importantly love. Most of our conversation was taken up by the topic of marriage. MARRIAGE. Am I really that old? It seems crazy to think that in like 2 years most of my friends will be married. I'm old....ancient really. I don't even know if I'm there yet mentally....if I'll even let myself fall that far for a while. I sit here and think though...not that long ago that was my plan. I was there. I was ready then it all came crashing down. Now don't get me wrong....God taught me a lot of important lessons and I'm sure in all of these feelings of confusion and craziness His plan will shine through. It just seems so strange to me....to be in your early 20's and married. My sister did it, my best friend is doing it....I'm not saying it's not possible it's just strange to me. Maybe because of my experience I've become jaded to the whole idea of being married young, of living the whole fairy tale dream of love at first sight. Tonight as we were talking I found myself trying to talk my friends out of it...of being married so young. I told them I'll support them no matter what decision they make but geez oh peas....they're so young. We're so young....I feel like we have so much living still to do. Maybe it's selfish that I don't want to share that with anyone...that I don't want to be tied down and that I just want to live. I don't know. I'm in an entirely different world than they are these days. I remember how it was at IWU. In the process of getting your real degree, you get your MRS. degree. I get it...I was there. It's amazing how one love can just leave you jaded. It's not that I'm not over him because that's long over and long gone....but it's hard to think that had things worked out the way I planned I would married right now. This very second. Instead I'm not in school, waiting tables, and living at home. While my boyfriend's great and I don't really regret how things worked out, I can't help but feel like I've missed out. All my friends are getting married, talking engagement rings, moving on to the next chapter in life and I'm just stuck. My life is stuck in the college chapter for the moment. I want to move on too! I want to get to the next chapter in life but I guess I should finish writing the current chapter so my life...you know...makes sense. When you skip pages in a story nothing makes sense. I feel like skipping through real life would be way worse. I guess I'll just keep trudging through and keep writing my story. Just remember...I wrote it for you.

'tis the season....

Well ladies and gents, it's that time of year again! Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Happy Hanukkah...etc. The holidays mean so many things...the optimistic see the family togetherness, the giving, the great food, and the magic of the holidays. The pessimistic see the consumerism, the long lines, the short fuses, and of course the unbearable parking. I'm not going to lie...the longer I work in customer service based places, the more pessimistic I become. Don't get me wrong, I love the family togetherness, the baking, the giving....it just seems to be overcast by the grumpy costumers, the poor tippers, the miserable parking and almost getting run over walking in to work by insane mall shoppers. Oh well I guess all I can say is, 'tis the season.

On a side note, I feel like I should find a new job. The one I currently have seems to be sucking the life out of me. Yeah tips are great...walking out every night I work with cash is wonderful, but sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for the food business. For starters I can barely spell restaurant. The only reason it was just spelled currently was because of spell check. Secondly, I feel like I'm just too nice. I used to be so nice, so happy. Then I started working there and slowly but surely, I've lost that happiness. So many people just complain about stupid things. Oh there's no ice tea? So let's stand here for 5 minutes and yell to see who's job it is to make the ice tea instead of you know....making it. Let's just use our brains for a second. Who really cares who's job it is....be a team player. Help out your co-worker and help yourself in the process. Don't just stand there and complain about it. Geez. I just feel like this place is making me lose parts of myself. I'm fading so fast and it's hard to just get my sanity back. I have a week off thank you Jesus to kind of just be a real person again. To just be happy. That's all I want in life really, to be happy. I leave in the morning for Indiana to go see my best friends. I just want to breath and feel happy again. Sometimes I feel like Indiana is the only place I can do that. Man, I love the country.

it's just been that week.

Ever had one of those weeks that progressively gets worse and worse as the week goes on to the point of tears? Yeah...me too.

It's ultimately my fault. A classic case of stretching myself way too thin. I haven't gotten much sleep, I've fought with the boyfriend, worked too much and made no money, and not to mention actually cried. Me....crying. It never happens so that just tells you how great it's been. I suppose there's no use dwelling on the misery that happened. I should probably just let it go and hope that this next week turns out much better. Hopefully a week with more sleep, less stress, less fighting and ZERO crying. That's my wish for this next week. A less stressful, easier to manage week.

With Thanksgiving over, I suppose it's finally time to start focusing on the next holiday. CHRISTMAS. Oh the thoughts of consumerism and holiday shopping thrill me....not. People get way too intense over Christmas gifts. Giving gifts is great....it really is. I LOVE buying gifts for my friends, but at the same time actually going out to the mall or target or walmart just gets way too crazy for me. I mean holiday shopping kicks off on Black Friday. The day of "super savings" long lines and crabby shoppers and workers. I'm glad to say I didn't participate in Black Friday shopping this year. I just don't feel like it was worth the stress to me. Large groups of crazy coupon clippers fighting over the last of the 14 inch HD tv that's going to break in a year just don't appeal to me. It actually tends to give me a little bit of anxiety. When I was younger I lived for Black Friday shopping. It was tradition. Now I just can't do it. Maybe it's because I've been on the working end of the Black Friday spectrum in both retail and now the restaurant industry. From a retail stand point you have the needy customers that take out their aggression on you because you can some how control not having their size in a $50 sweater at a completely different store in the mall. From the restaurant stand point you have the people that spent far too much money on the massive Black Friday bargains and don't tip anything. Whatever way you spin it, it's lame and I'm kind of over it. I'm over you Black Friday. You just aren't worth my time.

By now I'm sure you've realized that my thoughts never seem to coherently flow together. It's kind of just random paragraphs put together in one post. Believe it or not ladies and gentleman, that's actually how my brain works. Jumping from one pointless topic to the next. It's great to be me sometimes....

So let's talk about jealousy for a second. Could someone please explain to me the point of it? I mean ok...everyone wants a little jealousy in a relationship, whether they will admit it or not. Everyone wants to know that the person they're with know's they're lucky to have that other person. It's just that over load of possessive, jealous rage that is so not cool. When that person tells you who you can and can't talk to....not ok sir. Especially when it's a double standard. It's those dang double standards....every relationship has them and they suck. If it's ok for you to tell me who I can talk to then it's ok for me to tell you who you can talk to or who you can hang out with right? Yeah that's what I thought. Needless to say, this may have caused a huge fight between my boyfriend and I. It hasn't really been resolved yet. Don't really know when it's going to be but I suppose until it is I'm just not going to talk to anyone. Kind of just slip in to hiding and ignore the world. Sometimes I wish I were financially able to just do that. To just call off a couple days of work and fly somewhere to see some friends or just escape to a city where I don't know anyone and just explore. Sometimes I just wish I could take a little me time. Maybe that's me wanting to run away from my problems instead of just facing them like an adult. Say what you will, I don't care. The thought of just leaving for a few days to clear my head just sounds like a wonderful idea. Too bad I'm working another 35 hours this week and have a broken car and zero money to call my own. If only money really did grow on trees....maybe I'll work to invent that. A money tree. Then I'll be rich forever.

I feel like these days I'm a quote machine. I'm finding them in the weirdest ways....youtube videos, fiction novels, movies, ridiculous friends. The unfortunate thing about it though is I hear all these great quotes but like a genius, I forget to write them down.

You know its really shocking...I have all this free time yet I still manage to accomplish.....nothing. One the upside I have been accepted to school and I've successfully send them my FAFSA but I have yet to register for classes which I'm pretty sure is the whole point of school. I just would love to fast forward all the boring stuff and have it actually done. That was the great thing about IWU. They literally had everything mapped out for you. There was a list of every class you needed to take and what semester to take them. There was really no thinking involved, kind of awesome...but it kind of screwed me in the whole having to do things for myself aspect. Guess I'm going to have to learn then.

On a side note it's basically Christmas and I've already bought my boyfriend his present and it's AWESOME. So awesome. I mean really I went above and beyond what I probably should have done seeing as we've only been together for like 3 months and 2 of those months we weren't even dating, but I truly wanted him to have what I got him. For being a huge football fan he's NEVER been to a professional game so I'm taking him to the Browns Steelers game! They're 4th row seats....amazing. So excited and I hope he opts to take me. I mean, if he wants to take his best friend I won't be super offended....anyone else though I'll be pissed. He's a pretty awesome guy though so I wanted to get him something great and I feel like I did. He goes with me to Harry Potter at midnight, I reward him with amazing football tickets :)

Oh My Boys....

Mmmmm. looooove Michael Buble. Seriously, if I could I would marry him. That smooth voice, his charming smile and oh how beautiful he looks in suits. Michael Buble, I love you. Give up that inevitably beautiful model you're with and take a chance on a quirky half-asian from Toledo....

Ok ok....enough with the fantasizing. Back to reality. Reality lately seems to include lots of missing the life I once had. I wish I could be back in Indiana sometimes. Those boys are seriously so special to me. I tend to play favorites sometimes but in all reality, Brock, Russ, and Ryne you're all on an equal playing field. Brock, you were the friend when I needed one the most. Right after the break up you took me in to your inner circle. You say it's only because you wanted an Asian friend but I truly think you enjoy my company no matter how much you want to deny it and as much as I'd like to deny it....even though on most occasions you make me crazy, I'm glad we're friends. Russell Cade. My second favorite....you by far give the best hugs. You know how to make a lady feel special and while for a split second I could call you "mine" in the end you deserve a special lady. Someone much more special than me and you know that. You and your constant witty comments and movie chatter always keeps me entertained and when I really need it, you listen to my incessant whining and pouting. I'm sure you claim it's because you have no choice but deep deep deep down I know you care. I know I know, you're a robot....or Spock, but I know you have feelings somewhere in there. And Ryne Ryne Ryne. My eternal favorite. My emo little friend. How I enjoy your company. I never run out of things to talk about with you. You know every detail of every romantic relationship I ever had and at the end of each one you remind me that I need to stop dating douches. Only time will tell if I've broken that habit with this one....so far all signs point to maybe. You make me laugh with your deeply seeded sarcasm and your stories of dunhams or the latest moron you've encountered. Basically you're awesome or even better, you ARE batman. I guess the moral of the story is I miss you boys. The whole three hours away thing sucks pretty bad. I could use some Indiana hugging these days. And some bonfires. And oh my Lord a Wildcat crispy chicken with BBQ sauce. That may be the only thing I miss more than you three. Looks like a road trip is in order....if not for you boys then DEFINITELY for the crispy chicken. I think I should make that happen.

"I'm impossible to forget...

but hard to remember..."

Let me just start by saying I don't plan for this to me some super deep insightful post because in all honesty I don't really see myself as the deep insightful type of person. That being said here we goooooo!

"Do you ever just think I'm fooling everybody?"- Claire Colburn. Sometimes I wonder about the person that I am. Like the way I view myself and the way others see me are probably completely different. I see myself as the girl next door with the ridiculous quirks but a sweetheart that will stand by your side no matter how pissed she may be at you. Or in theatrical terms pretty much every character Meg Ryan has ever portrayed in a movie with a dash of Claire Colburn (played my Kirsten Dunst) in Elizabethtown. I'm incredibly indecisive, overly obsessed with youtube, an over-analyzer, and a terrible cook. There are some days when I really struggle to see what anyone could possibly see in me. Today seemed to be one of those days. I was productive per the request of my boyfriend. I turned in my application to get my butt back in school, I picked up my contacts...I even got a nap! Productive day indeed. Then I was on the phone with my mom and all the good juju the productivity brought me came crashing down. The stress began seeping back in. The crap wagon began to fill up again and all the ugly qualities I have came bursting through the seams of my jolly mood. I don't want to say that I "hate" my father because thats suuuuuch a strong word. I just don't get him sometimes. I think he can be unbelievably selfish. I think he doesn't think things through before he acts and I think that anything he does has strings attached to it. All in all, if you can't tell I'm not exactly doing cartwheels about anything related to my father. That crap wagon I emptied so long ago is just being piled and piled on with more and more crap. I just can't find a way to let it go right now. I'll survive this. I've survived everything else that's happened. God's still God and in the end He's got my back. It won't be easy...I'm sure sacrifices will have to be made but I'll survive. I just wish as you got older life grew easier....apparently it doesn't. It gets worse. WAY worse. And I don't mean to sit here and complain because that's not my intention at all. I guess this is just my way of processing my emotions. Typing out my thoughts, using other people's words and quotes to relate to my life. As lame as it is...blogging helps me "express myself". Gosh I sound like a nut case. Oh well. It is what it is.

"Sadness is easier because it's surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free." - Claire Colburn

This Could Be Ignorant...

Holy long time gone batman.

Well it's been over a month. What is there to say. How have I grown. What's new and has changed. Let's start with the easy things...I work all the time, I have a ridiculous television schedule I keep up with at the risk of going insane, I still have an unbelievable addiction to youtube and am still proud to be a nerdfighter, and I now have a boyfriend as of...well 1 o'clock this morning. There are the easy things. You all seem to be caught up now.

What's been on my mind you ask? Oh you know...those easy questions of life really. The biggest thing on my mind is the non-Christian -vs- Christian debate. More specifically a Christian dating a non-Christian. It's a confusing thing really. Who's to say who's a Christian and who isn't? Isn't that for God to judge anyway? I guess I'm just getting to a point in my life where I'm so over the "rules" that seem to be automatically assumed with Christianity. I really don't think that's what it's about and I mean it's not like I've been doing tons of digging and researching so I may be completely ignorant on the issue. What does Jesus say are the two greatest commands. 1) Love the Lord your God with all your heart and 2) Love your neighbor as yourself. Those are the greatest commandments and I'm not saying we should just ignore everything else because we shouldn't but I just get so tired of other Christians just looking down their noses at me. For them to judge me for the decisions I make. There is a point where yeah if I'm going out and getting crunk every night, sleeping around with tons of men, doing crazy and copious amounts of drugs and have a flagrant disregard for everything then yeah...let's have an intervention. However, if I haven't been to church in a while and you've never spoken to me before don't give me the stink eye. Please don't come up to me and say how nice it is to finally see me back at church. You don't know my business. That's for God to judge, not you please and thanks. Same thing goes with if I decide to date a "non-Christian" or however you'd like to label it. I'm not asking you to do it. I'm not asking you to give me your opinion. At the end of the day that's between me, the other person, and God. That's kind of it. I mean I get that some people offer their advice because they care about me and they have my back. That's great and I'm thankful for it but again...I'm an adult. It's my decision to make.

Let's see what else is there to say....I guess there really isn't anything else to report. I'm still the same old person. Same old issues. But all in all, I'm lucky. I've got great friends, an awesome family for the most part and now a great boyfriend. My job is still consistent and I'm still healthy. As far as I'm concerned...I'm lucky and I'm blessed. God's been good to me.

flimsy-foldable me.

"The truth is that whenever I went up to the top of the SunTrust building--including that last time with you--I didn't really look down and think about how everything was made of paper. I looked down and thought about how I was made of paper. I was the flimsy-foldable person, not everyone else. And here's the thing about it. People love the idea of a paper girl. They always have. And the worst thing is, I loved it too. Because it's kind of great, being an idea that everybody likes. But I could never be that idea to myself. Not all the way. And Agloe is a place where a paper creation became real. A dot on the map became a real place, more real than the people who created the dot could ever imagined. I thought maybe the paper cutout girl could start becoming real here also. And it seemed like a way to tell that paper girl who cared about popularity and clothes and everything else: You are going to the paper towns and you are never coming back." - Paper Towns

Did I ever mention how much I LOVE John Green? Awesome for sure.

This summer has been interesting for me to say the least. A lot of things changed for me. I worked two jobs pretty consistently through the summer which made for a good amount of money but left me tired with basically no social life and no time for me. The rare days I wasn't working I spent the day just being lazy and sleeping and really doing NOTHING productive. Through the summer though, I've changed and not necessarily for the better. Everyday was spent working. I was making lots of money but my spending habits were also kind of ridiculous. Everything I spent money on was basically a waste. Clothing, movies, make-up and other nonsense that I didn't really need is what I spent my hard earned cash on. Some how in the process of making the money I just lost part of who I am. I bought in to the material possessions. I justified everything I bought too. Every item of clothing I could wear to work and be "current" for that season. Every movie I bought I would tell myself it's better than spending all that money at the video store to rent it everytime I want to watch it. All the make-up would make my skin better and cover up my stupid scars. Well ladies and gents with every justification I became a little more vapid and a little more shallow. Now I've re-read Paper Towns and BAM. I feel like I am Margo. I loved the idea of being a paper thin girl. Of being that girl that everyone loves. The girl that's popular and just basically awesome. Here's the thing though, that feeling didn't last long. Did I love the attention I was getting? Oh yeah, for sure but I've come to realize that with attention comes pressure. The more attention I received, the more pressure I put on myself. Everytime I would leave the house, even if it was to just run a quick errand, I would change like 3 or 4 times. Everything had to be perfect. I had to look perfect and it is quickly getting old for me. I'm ready to leave and never return because Toledo has become a vacuum of consumerism and vapidity. Lately, I've felt like a lost cause.

This brings me to the other day. One of my good friends was preparing to leave for school and before he left, he and I went to get coffee. So I went to pick him up and we just started chatting away as usual. A little bit later after we were all settled in at Starbucks he pulled the "but really Chelsea, how are you doing." This is where I launched in to my whole recent debacle. He's always been super honest with me so I asked him, am I really shallow? His answer, well...yes and no. I'm sorry, what? His take on things is that I come across shallow when you first meet me and then the more you get to know me the less shallow I am to a point. He also told me that the things I choose to complain about are really stupid. For example, on the car ride to Starbucks I had been talking about how recently there are a couple boys from work that want to date me. Looking back it was such a stupid thing to complain about because really...WHO REALLY CARES. Why did I choose to whine about that? I can't even say that was the only time I've ever complained about it and while yeah, it kind of is a problem for me because I don't ever like to hurt anyone's feelings by telling them I don't like them in the bigger scheme of things, no one really cares. There are so many other things to worry about like how did I live for God today? How can I reach out to others? How can I serve? These are the things I should be worrying about. These are the things I should be thinking about. I hate that lately I've become a paper girl. I want to actually be real again. Someone that cares more about current events and others than the latest fashion trends at J. Crew. Maybe that's just one of the many downfalls of working at a retail store. You get sucked in to the clothing vortex and lose sight of real life. Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm the only one that can't seem to balance the two. All I know is, I've got a lot of work to do in these coming months. It's going to be a long road.

paper dolls in a paper town.

This little angel is my new kitten. Her name is Margo Roth Spiegelman named after one of my literary heroines from John Green's book Paper Towns. Currently I'm re-reading it for like...the millionth time and in true John Green fashion, he's got me thinking about things because that's just what John does. In his books, in his video blogs on youtube, in (some of) his tweets, his actual blog posts John always finds a way to get me thinking about life. Basically, John is made of awesome.

I'm going to type out an excerpt from paper towns that got me thinking. Here's the scene...Margo and Quentin have just rained hell on their enemies and their in downtown Orlando in an office building looking out at the city...

"It's more impressive." I said out loud. "From a distance I mean." You can't see the wear on things you know? You can't see the rust or the weeds or the paint cracking. You see the place as someone imagined it." [Quentin] "Everything's uglier close up," she said. "Not you," I answered before thinking better of it. Her forehead still against the glass, she turned to me and smiled. "Here's a tip: you're cute when you're confident. And less when you're not." Before I had a chance to say anything, here eyes went back to the view and she started talking. "Here's what's not beautiful about it: from here, you can't see the rust or the cracked paint or whatever, but you can tell what the place really is. You see how fake it all is. It's not even hard enough to be made out of plastic. It's a paper town. I mean look at it, Q: look at all those cul-de-sacs, those streets that turn in on themselves, all the houses that were built to fall apart. All those paper people living in their paper houses, burning the future to stay warm. All the paper kids drinking beer some bum bought for them at the paper convenience store. Everyone demented with the mania of owning things. All the things paper-thin and paper-frail. And all the people, too. I've lived here for eighteen years and I have never once in my life come across anyone who cares about anything that matters."

I have the bolded section written down and pinned to my wall. First time I read that when the book came out I was kind of taken aback. It made me really take a look at my thoughts and priorities. I don't ever want to be a paper person. Someone that's so vapid and shallow. It would be foolish of me to think that I won't have my moments, because let's be honest now, I'm human and I'm female. Growing up in a private school and being the youngest I've become accustomed to being spoiled and having nice things. I'm really trying to remember though that it really doesn't matter. I dream of the day when I can move away to some small town in the country. A place where it doesn't matter what you wear, what you look like, or what you drive. A place where people get to know you before they make a snap judgement. A place where people care more about others than about themselves. If a place like that exists, sign me up.

I just get so tired of having to live up to a certain expectation that other people seem to have of me. From far away you can see the shallow, vapid Chelsea. The one that's always put together with her J. Crew pieces and a plastered smile on her face. I've been told I'm "attractive" or some other form of that type of compliment, but it's like Margo says, everything's uglier close up. The closer you get the me, the more flaws you'll see. The more you get to know me the more character flaws you'll see in me. I just wish it were easier to change. I just think that if I could move away and start over I wouldn't fall into the same habit, but who am I kidding, change wouldn't be any easier. I'm not trying to whine because I'm blessed beyond what I deserve. God's been so good to me. I just need to be reminded that I'm not a paper doll. I have something holding me here that's more important than owning things. Screw consumerism. There are more important things in life. Now to just remember that.

no.more.casanova's

I just wish people could be real with me sometimes. I've never been one for sweet talk. Be honest with me. Don't try and tell me that I'm so awesome or that I'm the most beautiful girl you've ever met. These are lines and pretty crappy ones at that. Just be real with me. I know my flaws are there. They stare me in the face everyday. I'm sure that anyone who reads this is going to be like "is this girl REALLY complaining about being told she's pretty..." and the answer to that question is yes, I am. I'm not going to say I've been hearing this all my life because I haven't. Once I hit high school and college though, I started hearing it and at first I fell for it...every time. Now I just don't believe them. I don't know if it's because I've been used too many times or if it's because I've fallen for douche bag after douche bag, but it's gotten to the point where I just want someone to be real with me. Stop trying to sweet talk me and just talk to me. Don't treat me like every other girl. I'm not every other girl. I'm me. I'm Chelsea. I'm an individual. Don't come at me with all these tired lines and expect them to work on me. Be a real person because that's what I want. I don't want someone that's a smooth talker.

I realize this post comes across as arrogant and self-centered but please realize that is not what I intended. I'm just frustrated with guys that sweet talk. It doesn't work on me. It just makes me suspicious and paranoid. Tonight I've heard all sorts of sweet talking and lines from guys and it finally got to the point where I turned to one of my good friends and just asked him to be real with me for one second. I needed someone to just talk to me like a normal person. Not tell me how "great" I am because if you know me at all you'll know I'm not. I have my moments, but all in all I'm not as great as everyone thinks. I just feel like I have all these expectations that people have in their heads when they talk to me like that. Maybe I'm over-analyzing but it gets to a point where I just need someone to be honest with me and that's why I turned to Josh. When I asked him to be real he sent me a link to a website that I'm going to post. The article was great and it gave me a lot to think about. http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/11620940/

If you read the article this next little rant will make a little more sense. Yes I am loved by God and yes, I was worth dying for. God loved me THAT much. It's just hard to understand sometimes. I know my flaws very well and the fact that even with my flaws God loves me still kind of amazes me. Then I think to myself, well ok God loves me but there is no possible way that someone could ever love the REAL me. The me that whines when she's tired. The me that stares at the scars on her skin. The me that is constantly worried that she'll never live up to the expectations her friends and family have for her. The me that's riddled with insecurities. The real me is not always pleasant to be around but she's always eager to please. Everyone wants to be loved, but I want a real love. Not a shallow, wistfully romantic love that fades as quickly as it starts, but a progressive love. One of mutual care and mutual service. That's the love I want and until that gets here it looks like its just me and God, and honestly, that's the perfect thing for me right now.

I have once again become a miserable failure in life. I'm pretty sure I have A.D.D. when it comes to life and staying on track. Everything distracts me from what should really be my one and true focus and I'm way to frustrated with my decision making process these days.

just a little rant.

It seems like all the relationships in my life have just shifted in the past few weeks. People that I talked to everyday have fallen off the face of the planet and people that I haven't heard from in years have been blowing up my phone. It's a strange place to be. I'm not sure if I like it....

I can't really say that I have much to talk about right now. There are plenty of things I could whine about but I'm pretty sure it won't solve anything. I have had a lot on my mind though, especially when it comes to my faith and what I believe. A lot of it has to do with do I actually believe this? or is this just what I've been taught my whole life and it's easier to go with the flow than try and stick up for what I think? I'm not quite sure what I believe anymore. Hold on, let me rephrase that so people don't think I'm offering up animal sacrifices in the backyard. I'm 100% a Christian. I believe that I am a fallen human and a sinner and that I've been saved by the blood of Jesus Christ who was the ultimate sacrifice and that by asking him to forgive me of my sins I will spend eternity with him in heaven. It's the fine points of Christianity that I'm struggling to deal with. Topics mainly having to do with the church and how they approach things and just what being a Christian means -vs- what Christians actually do. Now don't get me wrong I get that we're human. I get that we will never in a million years be perfect. So why is it that most Christians act like they're perfect and flawless? Why can't they just be open and honest with their flaws? Why do they have to hide them and point out mine? Yeah, so I swear from time to time and I've said plenty of things that I shouldn't have. You weren't there later that night when I confessed my wrong doings to God. You weren't there when I seeked his forgiveness. You don't know me, my life, or my situation and you make NO attempts to try to understand me. Don't judge me. You are not my pastor. You are not my friend. You are just someone who thinks they know my life and wants to drag the bones out of my closet so no one goes peeking around in yours. Jokes on you though. My life is pretty much an open book. So feel free to pass your judgement but at the end of the day God is my judge. Not you....so go find something better to talk about.

Just a short thought for today.

Recently, I've had a few people compliment me on my skin. Now I'm going to back track and say my skin sucks. I used to have really bad acne so I now have lots of scars and such. Not pleasant. I switched over to bare minerals for my make-up and I use their skin care line (not like you really care) and I guess my skin is improving. Here's my question/thought. Why is it that in ourselves we automatically see the flaws? I mean yeah it keeps us humble, but depending on the situation it also makes us insecure. My skin is still one of my biggest insecurities. When someone looks at me they don't see my scars or the size of my pores. When I look in the mirror all I see is huge pores, blackheads, pimples, and scaring. Am I the only one that has this issue? Or is it kind of something everyone deals with and struggles with? This is my life.

go go gadget....

It's 1 a.m. and I need to sleep...yet I'm still awake, computer still on, and I'm texting the night away.

Why is it that so often gadgets and gizmos distract us from what we should actually be doing? Let's be honest now. How often are we checking our cell phones during church? Texting a friend during the sermon or putzing around on facebook instead of reading the Bible or praying? Believe me, I'm the guiltiest person of this. It's a rut that I seem to be stuck in that I'm having the worst time trying to get out of. I'm stuck and I don't really want to be anymore. I'm looking for my escape.

God, I realize that the technology I have access too is such a blessing and could be used for your honor and glory. I just pray that I'll learn self control and responsibility when it comes to using what you've given me. I don't want texting or facebook or anything equally ridiculous to come before you. You need to be the number 1 priority in my life. I want to get there. I'll need a hand though. Help me out of this rut.

It's Go Time.

As you can tell, it's been a while. I don't have much to say and my laptop is going to die soon so I'll make this brief.

Life is far too short to worry about the stupid things in life. This is something that's been hitting me in the face lately. Recently a friend of the family and her son were both taken home to be with God and it kind of just smacked me in the face. She was in her mid thirties...her son was 4 years old. They both still had so much life left to live but God took them home. What if God takes me home tomorrow. What have I done that's even worth anything? What have I done for God? This is the question I need to focus on. I've done so much talking...not enough doing. I've made plans to change, but haven't actually done it. Forget the planning. I need to get with the doing. It's time to walk the way I talk. It's go time.

Summer Ramble...blerg!

Well, the summer heat is here. Let the sweating begin. Don't get me wrong, I kind of love summer...the laying out and tanning, the cook-outs, the s'mores. All good things for sure. This summer is just going to be a busy one in particular. I'm working a lot and I'm to have as much of a social life as humanly possible but it seems to be slowly slipping away from me. I'm definitely excited to see what's in store for summer though. I have lots to be accomplished and I definitely have a lot on my mind. It kind of sucks when you care for someone knowing there isn't going to be a future. You've got to let them live their own life though you know? He's got to do what he's got to do and all I can do is pray for him a LOT because he's definitely going to need God's protection. Sometimes I don't understand why people go looking for danger, but then I remember somebody's got to do that job. God's wired us all so different and while it doesn't appeal to me in the slightest bit, it's something that other people are so passionate about. Totally blows my mind.

If you can't tell, I'm kind of rambling. I'm blaming it on mt. dew, IHOP late night conversations with my co-workers and the fact that I'm really tired. so this is bed time.

Smell The Color 9

This song sums up my mental state for today, and really the past couple days. Thank goodness for Chris Rice.

I would take 'no' for an answer
Just to know I heard You speak
And I’m wonderin’ why I’ve never
Seen the signs they claim they see
Are the special revelations
Meant for everybody but me?
Maybe I don’t truly know You
Or maybe I just simply believe

‘Cause I can sniff, I can see
And I can count up pretty high
But these faculties aren’t getting me
Any closer to the sky
But my heart of faith keeps poundin’
So I know I’m doin’ fine
But sometimes finding You
Is just like trying to
Smell the color nine

Now I’ve never ‘felt the presence’
But I know You’re always near
And I’ve never ‘heard the calling’
But somehow You’ve led me right here
So I’m not looking for burning bushes
Or some divine graffiti to appear
I’m just beggin’ You for some wisdom
And I believe You’re puttin’ some here

‘Cause I can sniff, I can seek,
I can count up pretty high
But these faculties aren’t getting me
Any closer to the sky
But my heart of faith keeps poundin’
So I know I’m doin’ fine
But sometimes finding You
Is just like trying to
Smell the color nine

Smell the color nine?
But nine’s not a color
And even if it were you can’t smell a color
That’s my point exactly...

All at Once, I get a little Clumsy.

"And all at once the crowd begins to sing, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Maybe you want her, maybe you need her, maybe you've started to compare to someone not there..." -All At Once, The Fray

It happens, all at once. All these things and thoughts just start swirling. People, males in particular, just start crawling out of the woodwork. It's like they just know that I'm going through doubts and insecurities so they decide to like...feast on it. I've gotten the "please take me back, I miss you so much. I promise I've changed and I know I treated you horribly and was a total douche but I really miss you." I've also gotten the "you know I'm so awesome and you know you miss me. You know you want to hang out with me." Really dude. You think that's working? It's just irritating and frustrating. Stupid boys.

Sidenote. Well ok, I guess it's not really a sidenote because it's completely unrelated to the first thought. Kids seem to be a lot .... smarter when it comes to their faith now compared to when I was in high school. I'm truly impressed with these kids. They're debating theological things that I don't even debate. These kids are smarter than me, not that it's really that hard to do sometimes. I guess I'm just impressed.

I'm ending this with lyrics that basically describes my current state and the state I've been in the past few days....

Clumsy - Chris Rice

You think I’d have it down by now
Been practicin’ for thirty years
I should have walked a thousand miles
So what am I still doin’ here
Reaching out for that same old piece of forbidden fruit
I slip and fall and I knock my halo loose
Somebody tell me what’s a boy supposed to do?

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

I’m gonna get it right this time
I’ll be strong and I’ll make You proud
I’ve prayed that prayer a thousand times
But the rooster crows and my tears roll down again
Then You remind me You made me from the dust
And I can never, no never, be good enough
And that You’re not gonna let that come between us

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

From where I stand
Your holiness is up so high I can never reach it
My only hope is to fall on Jesus

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

Raindrops bring Reflection.

It's 2:30 a.m. and I'm laying here in bed listening to the rain outside and my thoughts begin to drift. I start to think back to my jr. high years, my high school years, and the few years of college I have under my belt. What have I really accomplished? Yeah, I have my high school diploma. Super duper. It's a piece of paper...it hardly counts for anything. I spent most of my time for the past 6 years living for no one but myself. When did I become so selfish? So self-centered? Maybe I'm just being really hard on myself but it's been one of those days where I just examine and possibly over-analyze my life.

Jr. high was a mess. No good memories come from jr. high. I was a horrible little monster constantly getting in to trouble. I ran my mouth more than I should have and I had a tendency to tear people down just for kicks and giggles. I was 12. It's not exactly a good foundation for a promising high school career.

High school wasn't as much of a mess. It was actually pretty enjoyable. I still ran my mouth more than I should have. I still got in to some bits of trouble thanks to Miss Daniels and gym class but Mr. Flamm and I came to an understanding about the whole ordeal. She played favorites and I was NOT on that list due to stealing and hiding her stool everyday in freshman health class. I have to say I would still consider myself to be a "mean girl" in high school. People called us "The Plastics". We each had our own designated fictional character from the movie to go along with our real lives. We being my 3 best friends and me in case I didn't establish that earlier. Come to think of it, our friendship almost ended because someone didn't appreciate being called Karen because she wanted to be Regina. Apparently she felt she was the meanest of the group. Some how I don't see how that's something to be proud of or something to strive for but it was high school. Who can honestly say they didn't screw up in high school.

This brings us to college. I have 2 years under my belt. The first year I accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. My study habits were horrible, my grades were terrible and I barely went to class. I hated college. I hated the University of Toledo. I wasn't plugged in and I definitely did not want to join the Greek life like most of my friends did. I was looking for my way out of Toledo. Everyday praying for my escape then I found it. Indiana Wesleyan University was basically my salvation. So much went down while I was there. So many things changed for me. I was no longer the popular girl that everyone knew. No one knew me. I was a nameless face they passed in the hallway. A pair of eyes they'd see when they took my sandwich order at Wildcat. I was a nobody. A feeling I don't think I've ever felt...atleast not since kindergarten. That was the beautiful thing about private school. I was the new kid when I was 4 when I started kindergarten but when you're 4 everyone is new. Since that day I had never gone anywhere by myself without my friends. Being the odd man out was a strange feeling, one that I was not used to or ready for. Thankfully God did a lot in my life while I was at IWU. He showed me a lot of things about myself that needed to change and while I was there things did change but then I came home. By coming home I feel like I've fallen into the same pitfalls again. I'm becoming that mean, selfish, and proud girl from high school. That's not where I want to be. That's not who I want to be come. I am not who I was.

So why is it that despite being a different person now I'm falling backwards in to the same old crap? The constant need for attention. Only doing things to have someone tell me 'good job' as opposed to doing them because they needed to be done. Why do I need the validation from people that in the larger scale of things don't really matter? When did I get here and how do I get to where I need to be. These are my questions and I could really use some answers.

it's a teenie weenie itty bitty baby post.

This is going to be an itty bitty post because 1.) it's almost 2 a.m. and 2.) I'm a wee bit tired from a long weekend.

I missed church today. I don't really like that especially since right now I'm really just searching to try and figure out what's really going on with my life. I find myself confused a lot of the time. I see myself becoming someone I don't want to be and I haven't really done much to stop it. I'm slowly watching myself fade into this new person. Still the nice girl but someone who seems to put God on the back burner. Someone who doesn't act any different from the rest of the world. That's not who I'm called to be. That's not what God wants me to be. I know that yet I have done nothing to stop it. Where did this apathy come from? Where is my passion for my faith? Where did it all go and how can I get it back because I don't want to drift further and further away.

I have a lot of work to do on myself. There are loads of things that need to be fixed. Oh issues, why must there be so many of you in my life and why must you be so hard to fix.

Sometimes, the answer is no.

"Make no mistake every prayer you ever pray gets answered even though sometimes the answer is no....When I think of all the answers in my life I would have to say there's no doubt it was always for the best when I didn't get my way." - Brad Paisley

Well I got my answer. God said no. I'm not going to lie and pretend like I'm not a little disappointed. Sometime I get so lost and focused on what I want. I get a little wrapped up in my plans and possibilities and I completely forget about my purpose for being here. This is not my life. God has me here for His purpose and despite what I may think sometimes, my way is not His way. My way is rarely His way. Someday I'm sure I'll get the hang of this and finally realize that it's easier for me to just follow Him than run ahead to the fork in the road and choose the easiest or the less lonely path. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. How many times will I make the same stupid choices? Without bragging about myself, I will say I've gotten a little bit better, and when I say little bit I'm talking minuscule. You can barely see a difference but there is a little part of me that was holding back until I knew it was right.

Here's another one of my issues. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine. I have a tendency to just go for the quick fix instead of waiting for something. One would think that being as apathetic as I am towards life I wouldn't mind waiting for something and to an extent this is true. I go through phases of being okay with my lot in life and where I am but then something happens or typically someone enters my life and everything gets turned upside down. I begin to actually care. I don't typically care about my life, but about the well-being of the other person, about their life. Then it all comes crashing down in a fiery downward spiral and I'm left mad at myself for letting this all happen again. One would think I would know better by now. So now I'm just trying to get back to that state of being okay with where I am. Not necessarily the apathy, but the contentment. I was there, then this all happened and even though I was unsure of what was going on and what God's plan was, it doesn't mean I wasn't excited about a potential future or the possibilities that would come with a new relationship. It's okay though. I'm just glad that God finally gave me my answer and that I can just let go and move on with my life.

Also, I don't want this to come across as I'm this bitter, angry chick because that isn't really the case. As you can see in previous posts I was having my own uncertainties about the whole thing and I completely understand his point of view of things. I get it...it's cool. Sometimes things just don't work out. I'm just hoping that the awkwardness that was encountered last night isn't how it's going to be because then Houston, we have a problem. Guess this is what I get for falling for someone at work huh. Shoulda, coulda, woulda....

It's a Two-fer.

This comes in two parts and they might contradict themselves. My life is full of contradictions...please forgive me.

First thing on my mind is a dream. My "dream life" if you will. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that I love country music. In loving country music I've also fallen in love with the small town, simple, country life. I would love to live down in a small town in Tennessee. Possibly someday buy a farm or have some land, back porch swing where the gentle breeze blows through my hair as I share the moment with my down home southern man. This is when I think that country music has kind of poisoned me. The southern man that I fantasize over is the one that's describe in any country song. Take Guys Like Me by Eric Church for example. He's a hardworking man, a little rough around the edges and would never take his woman for granted. Another good one that makes me swoon that's a little more recent. Easton Corbin's A Little More Country Than That is amazing. He describes that small town life I would love to have. The dirt road, the fishing, the old ratty hat that's always on my man's head, the honesty and the love. These are all things I dream of having someday. The man that would never take me for granted. The one that's thankful for all the things I do for him. The guy that will sit with me on the back porch someday and watch the sun set with the comfortable silence hanging in the air as the slightest breeze carries the summer smells of honeysuckle and jasmine in the night air. Yeah, this is my dream. Forget the big cities with their noise. Give me cornfields and Friday night football games. If only if only...

This brings me to my second thought. How many people actually end up with their "dream" person? I mean let's be realistic here...you kind of can't help who you fall for. What if I fall for someone who wants to move to New York City or LA? Am I just going to not even give them a chance because we don't share the same country living mentality? I mean it's not that I hate the city. I could live the city. I've lived in a city my entire life. I mean Toledo is no thriving metropolis but it's still a city none the less. It just makes me think. There are all those people that say when they met "THE ONE" they just knew. What the heck does that even mean? I truly don't think I'll be one of those people that "just knows". I don't trust my thoughts anymore. I thought I knew before...I was wrong. I thought I knew the time before that too...what do you know, I was wrong. I'm like the girl that cried husband. It's not like I'm in a huge rush or hurry to scoot down the aisle. Yeah I'd like to be married someday and spit out a few babies...maybe have a dog and a hamster. You know...the American dream. In order to get to that dream though I need to kind of pa ruse the pickings a little bit. I've found one I like but like I stated earlier. I have a really hard time trusting myself these days. Things haven't gone as smoothly as I would have liked. I find myself praying about it a lot and just asking God what's going on. Is he trying to get my attention by throwing up all these road blocks? Is he trying to tell me to run the other direction and not look back? Or is he trying to tell me to just mellow out, shift it in to neutral and just cruise? The more I ask the more silent He seems to be on the matter. It makes me question though if He's whispered his answer to me and I just haven't heard him. I have a tendency to talk too loud and shout while God's trying to tell me something. I'm not very good and just shutting up and listening. I'm a work in progress. Don't mind me...I'll hopefully get it eventually.

God, I want to be ready for your whisper. I pray that I'll hear you when you call and that either way I'll trust your good and perfect will for my life. At the end of the day, you'll never leave me and I don't need anything else but you. Everything else you give me is just a blessing and I appreciate everything and everyone you've blessed me with. I pray that I'll be receptive to what it is you have to say Lord. Open my eyes, my heart, and my ears to your voice.

The Prayer of an Uncertain Girl.

God, in all things you are there. In every situation you know the outcome. I just pray that as I go through this time of worry and doubt that I'll remember no matter what the circumstance YOU are in control. You know exactly what tomorrow will bring. You know exactly what next year will bring. I pray that I'll seek your will and seek your face through it all. Show me the way Lord. Show me through this time of uncertainty.

Things shouldn't be this hard. There shouldn't be this many things that go wrong. Am I trying too hard to make the puzzle piece fit? Is this all me trying to do what I want? Is this really your will for my life right now? Why can't I seem to understand what's going on. Am I being too stubborn and too dense? Am I just over-analyzing every situation? OK, so I'm a spoonful of crazy at times. There are things that I just over-analyze and draw conclusions that aren't necessarily true. I don't gather all the facts and I just go off of what I think or feel. I just don't want to be lied to again. I don't want to fall into that trap, that never ending hole where I just sink deeper and deeper and deeper to the point I don't know which way is up. I don't want to keep falling and avoid all the warning signs if they indeed are warning signs. I get that we're two different people with two different sets of baggage. Going in to anything each person brings their baggage. I get that...it doesn't scare me. I don't want to change him. He's made it perfectly clear he won't change for anyone and I understand no one is perfect. There is no human on the face of the earth that is perfect. It's just I'm just unsure if the differences between the two of us are "deal breakers" or if they can we worked through. Is it all just communication error or is it something much deeper?

We agree on the same morals. We both love God. We both agree on where we draw the line. We both enjoy each others company...we're just two different people with two different ways of communicating. Failure to communicate can easily become bad news bears. I don't know if I would classify it as a "failure" though. That's such a harsh word...we're just different.

People always told me being different was a "good" thing. You're not like everyone else. Yeah. Cool. Everyone is different. Sometimes I wish that people were the same across the board. It would make things a little easier. I don't enjoy trying to figure people out, read their motives and intentions. I especially don't enjoy that nagging voice inside my head or the aching feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad is going to happen. Why is it that words and actions don't always match up? Maybe if they did, I wouldn't be in this current situation.

God. Help me. I really need you now.

In the Stillness, In the Quiet.

In the quiet, in the stillness, I know that you are God. In the secret of your presence, I know there I am restored. - None But Jesus, Hillsong

Sometimes I think I'm just afraid to be quiet. I'm a loud girl and when I say loud I mean like girl from Jersey, large Italian family loud except I'm from Ohio and I'm Korean. So basically I'm just really loud and have nothing to do with Jersey or Italians. Well now that we've established that we can move on. When I think about my life I'm just surrounded by noise and in being surrounded by noise I get so easily distracted. The ticking of the clock reminds me I'm running late for work. The honking of car horns reminds me that green means GO. The constant clanging, banging, and general loudness of working in a restaurant reminds me that CRAP! I have to run rice to 64, get refills for 63, greet 53 and run plates to the grill and refill their water bottles all in 5 minutes. Noise tends to mean stress for me yet I can't seem to just be quiet. What concerns me is if I'm not taking the time to actually be quiet, how am I going to hear God? I mean God has plenty of ways of getting my attention but He doesn't always speak with neon signs. Sometimes it's the faintest whisper but in my current state in a world full of noise that soft, sweet whisper of encouragement, hope or reassurance can quickly and effectively be drowned out. I need to hear His whispers. I need to shut my mouth, open my ears and just be quiet. In the stillness of God's presence I'm restored. When I'm running around like a crazy person I need that rest and restoration. I need the quiet. It's time for me to sit down, shut up, and listen up.

"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for YOU ALONE, O Lord, will keep me safe." - Psalm 4:8

It begins with indifference and trails from there

"The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And if you hate me that means you still care and we're still connected and I still have a chance to set you right." - Desperate Housewives

It's been a long day. A very very long day. And it's been the kind of day where I kind of can't do anything expect look to God and ask, what on earth did I do that brought a day like this upon me? I don't want to play the victim because honestly whining about it isn't going to solve anything. I need to find a solution, or atleast figure out how I feel about the situation.

I know that God has given me the family I have for a reason. They're nosy. They're opinionated. They're involved. I know all these things and I appreciate them for the most part. What I don't understand is why it is things never ever ever go the way I plan for them to. The "hazing" of sorts they use to initiate a new person in to our family is getting a little out of hand. I realize they want to weed out the ones that aren't "good" for me. They do it because they care, but there needs to be a line. Apparently we're still looking for that line.

God made me very different from my sister. I'm not better than she is, she's not better than I am. We're just very very different. I love her to death. I truly do, but I don't always agree with her. I will always listen to what she has to say but I'm a big girl now. I'm 20 years old and I'm not saying I have everything figured out because I don't. God has a totally different plan for me compared to the plan He has for her. That's just life. So what I don't understand is why she feels the need to tell me how she would do things. She was engaged at 19, married at 20, pregnant at 21. That was God's plan for her. I'm 20 years old. I'm not in school, I don't even know where I'm going to go in the fall. I've met someone but I'm not rushing in to marrying him anytime soon. We're still getting to know each other. This is just the beginning of what could be a great relationship. We've just seemed to hit a speed bump.

I keep thinking back to the Armor of God post I posted forever ago while I was still at IWU. Satan knows where to attack me. He knows where I begin to doubt myself and doubt the decisions I've made in the past. I know that I haven't always made the smartest choices or chosen the "right" person and he knows I know. I feel like it's easy for him to attack me there. It's easy for other people to say things that hit me in my tender spot. I'm not saying it isn't true. It's entirely true, but I'm in the healing process. There are still scars left by the jerks. There will always be scars. I'm insecure about them and I don't like talking about it. No one likes when their flaws are pointed out to them especially when they know they made a mistake and messed up. So my family doubts my ability in choosing men. I've chosen some real losers, I know. I don't always make good decisions. I'm not a perfect person. I'm a flawed human that makes stupid decisions, but that doesn't mean God can't work in those situations. If I'm always doubting my choices I'll never be able to decide anything for myself. I'll never be able to live the kind of life I want to live. I want God to use me in the ways he sees fit. Other people's opinions can't weigh me down. Jesus is my living hope and my eternal joy. At the end of the day, even if everyone in the world abandons me, God never will. He is full of grace and truth and no matter what stupid choice I make He will still love me. He never promises this life will be easy but He does promise He will never leave me alone to deal with it.

God I'm so thankful for your promises. I love that you love me enough to never leave me and be with me in every situation. I ask that you guide me in the direction YOU would have me go. This life you've blessed me with is YOURS. If that means I spend my life single, may your will be done. If that means you bring someone in my life Lord, may YOUR will be done.

The Thinking Tree

Everyone has their happy place. This is the place where they can just go and catch their breath. A place where they can do whatever thinking that needs to be done without the distraction of everyday life. This beautiful little spot is my happy place. My "thinking tree".

Back in November I went through some things. The decisions I had made left me wondering why my life was such a mess? It had me questioning my ability to make smart choices and the power of forgiveness from a loving God. This is the place where I spend hours just sitting, writing, praying, and thinking about the messes I had made. It's such a small thing really, this little "thinking place". God really used it in my life though. This was where I realized the destructive behavior I had been involved in and the place where I made the decision to stop. The place where I realized that no matter what I do I will never be outside the grace of God. This is my beautiful little thinking place. My very own giving tree. It provided me shade, a place to sit, and a place to think and pray. The only things I needed at the time I needed them most. My very own giving tree.

yes. i am A.D.D.

So I'm doing something I very rarely do. The smell of ground coffee beans are floating in the air and Mr. Michael Buble is serenading me in his rich and beautiful voice. I'm in the company of an entertaining gentleman. Life is good and I am blessed.

Today has just been an all around great day. The weather was great and my friends are awesome. It's days like today that truly remind me what a lucky girl I am. Despite all the horrible things I've been through. The pain and sorrow that have filled my life for months at a time. I am still so blessed.

Is it bad to love the way that God made me? Yes I am a little A.D.D. Yes I am Asian. Yes I have so many quirks and issues but I love the way that God made me. There is no one else in the world quite like me and I LOVE it :)

or never die...

There's the old adage, old habits die hard. Well I think there needs to be an extended version of that. Old habits die hard...or they just plain NEVER DIE. Not exactly an optimistic though I know but it seems like every old habit I have just won't die. I've tried everything and for a while it works. For a while things are under control then something sneaks past my defenses and BAM! I'm a mess once again. I don't understand why things just need to be so difficult.

As a female is it okay to just write something off because you're a female and that's just what you're "supposed" to do? For example, someone just up and stops talking to you when they've talked to you for a regular basis everyday for a good portion of the day. It's completely normal for girls to over analyze the situation, freak out, and then become a crazy mess. I have to say I'm ashamed that this happened to me. I don't like that I freaked out. I don't like that I reacted the way that every other girl would. I'm not every other girl. I don't want to be every other girl.

God, you've been patient with me through all my screw ups. I ask that you'll be patient with me through this one too. You know what's going to happen in my life and I shouldn't worry about it. Ultimately, you are in control of every situation and you love me and will take care of me. I pray that I'll ALWAYS remember that!

Don't you just love when you just feel yourself become whinier and whinier and you JUST CAN'T STOP. yeah. me too...

I don't want to whine. I want the word vomit to stop. This whole week I've done nothing but really whine about how tired and I am or how things aren't going the way I want them too. ME ME ME ME ME. That has been my entire week. I don't like when I start acting self-centered and selfish...that's not the person I should be. That's not the person I want to be. God, help me control the word vomit. I ask that you'll show me how blessed I am. Bring me peace and clarity to every situation Lord. In everything I say and do, please be with me every step of the way. Remind me that you are all I need in life Lord. You can give me the strength, the love, the friendship, and the company that I seek and need. You're all I need.

sticks and stones may break my bones...

So this is something that's been on my mind and something I'm going to ramble about...don't expect it to be intelligent or thought provoking....

When it comes to language what is considered too far? Who says that the "bad words" are bad? This is something I just can't seem to understand. I've gone back and forth on the issues. When I was a little girl, when I said the word stupid or shut up or poopy head I got spanked and my mouth washed out with soap. Liquid soap. It was gross but that still wouldn't stop me from using those words. Now they're main staples in my vocabulary. Does that make me a horrible person?

As a Christian, where is the "appropriate" place to draw the line? I know that throughout the Bible we're warned of having an untamed tongue and the damages that they can cause. It also talks about how we're not to be like the world and how we are to be different from the world in what we do and say but if I'm joking around with one of my friends and I call her a dirty whore and someone over hears the conversation will they automatically think I'm a horrible Christian and write me off as a lost cause? These are the things I don't understand....

There's been a lot of things on my mind recently. With all the mistakes I've made in my past, all the horrible things I've done and knowing that I will stand accountable to God someday for that scares the crap out of me. It also makes me thankful for the grace that I've been given and that despite my transgressions, God still continues to bless me with things and people I do not deserve. I'm a blessed little lady.

100 posts....

Well according to my little dashboard...this is lucky number 100 in my blog posts. I really wish I had something more composed and intelligent to say.

With Easter having passed recently I've been thinking a lot about grace. So many times I feel like God will love me if I just work my way into his favor....like I have the mentality that if I just led a sinless life I'd be worthy of his grace and in a sense trying to "earn" my salvation even though I've already accepted the gift. Let's think about the reality of this though. There is NO possible way I would ever in a million years even if I tried my absolute hardest that I would ever live a sinless life. That's the beauty of his grace. Even though I'm easily one of the worst and retched people on this planet, He still loves ME. He wants ME to be with him in heaven someday. I'm a lucky girl. Despite my flaws and many disappointing decisions I make He still loves me....Jesus loves EVEN ME.

my hiatus has ended...

Guess who's back!

I realize it's been a while since I've blogged and there's a reason for that. The reason being someone broke in to my house and stole my laptop....it hasn't been a pleasant couple months because of that but I've managed to find other ways around things. I've been journaling a LOT. but I've always journaled a lot...I guess I just really enjoy writing event though I'm not neccesarily good at it.

I never grow old in the ways that God works. His timing is always perfect and so different from mine....but his is SO much better. I'll never get tired of seeing how he works.