These Days...

My life these days has turned in to a dull and droll life, but don't get me wrong...I kind of love it that way. I've recently been catching up with old friends and they keep asking the same questions..."how have you been?!" "what have you been up to?!"...etc. Each time the only thing I can do is respond with the same, boring and pathetic answer of "nothing." Honestly, its true. I don't do much. I go to work. I come home. I read books. I watch my shows. Those four things sum up my life.

Now to some, my life sounds boring and horrible, but for me, I'm learning to enjoy it. I'm not really used to having all this down time. I'm used to running around, having chaotic weeks of homework, projects, deadlines...BLAH! This downtime thing is kind of nice. Actually, no...it's REALLY nice. Have I been bored? For sure...but I've enjoyed it. Sadly for me...my time of having nothing but work is slowly coming to an end. Next semester I'm to be in classes. Oh school...how I've missed thee.

Oh Nerdiness...

Oh nerdiness...you've gotten the best of me once again.

For some reason I keep finding things that I think are cool that I want to learn to do. Video editing for example...I wish I knew how to do it. I've created a youtube channel for...various reasons. Basically it keeps me updated on my numerous video blogs that I watch and this way I can actually feel like I'm contributing through ratings and comments and such. I've also joined dailybooth. It's twitter with pictures....much more entertaining for me. I have a twitter...but I'm not as active as I should be I suppose. Call me crazy but I've apparently not been bitten by the twitter bug. I feel like I've just created two more accounts for me to neglect. I mean I haven't posted on here in...like two weeks? And even the last post wasn't exactly a happy one. Just the late night ramblings of a pissy girl. My apologies...I'd say it won't happen again, but I'm sure you all know me far too well. It will happen again because well, lets be realistic. Life isn't perfect. It'll get you down. When it gets you down...sometimes you just need to whine so that's what I do. It's a therapy of sorts...and its a crap ton cheaper than laying on some couch having some balding and middle-aged man asking me "how does that make you feel?" Just saying...

In recent news, in case you haven't check the date on the calendar, thanksgiving is this week. Time to chalk up one more holiday with my dysfunctional and lovable family. Dad's bringing his boyfriend...which means I'll have an array of gluten-free dishes to choose from. Looks like I'm not getting mashed potatoes this year. Call me selfish....but I enjoy my mashed potatoes. I'm not saying Jim has to eat them obviously because the last thing we need is to make a hospital trip again but I'm hoping the mashed taters make an appearance. Oh they sound delicious. Of course I have a ridiculous amount of baking to do as well. Having your brother getting assigned dessert duty is wonderful....especially when he can't bake to save his life. Here we go again for another lovely holiday season.

Liar Liar, I hope your pants are on fire....

I've made another trip down to Cincinnati and my thoughts can't help but wander. This was supposed to be a pretty big weekend for me. Good things were supposed to happen...but it was all according to MY plan which as we've already established isn't what I should be concerned about....

I'm kind of just apathetic towards life right now. One moment I'm up, the next moment I'm down. I'm entirely too trusting and I'm extremely gullible. I pretty much believe everything people say without thinking twice about it. In doing that I get screwed....a lot. I believe all the excuses..."oh my phones broken" "oh well I already have a lot going on..." etc. Here's a clue dipstick. If you want me to believe your phone is broken you might want to try not updating your facebook status from your PHONE. It'll make your lie a little more believable.

If you can't tell I'm in a bit of a grumpy mood. You'll have that when you're lied to....

What a Beautiful Mess...

So I'm really good at making messes. Whether its a good baking mess in the kitchen or just a mess of my life, whatever way you want to spin it I do a good job of messing things up. When it comes to cleaning things up, I'm much better at cleaning a kitchen than cleaning up my life. Now don't think I'm in complete shambles because I'm not....but I tend to get into sticky situations with hard decisions to make. Ultimately...I know it's really not in my control anymore. It's too late for me to try and fix everything. I just need to hand my mess over to the capable and mighty hands of an all-powerful God.

If you're a parent think about your kids....if you're not use your imagination. Imagine your precious little child decides to go on an independent streak. Pretend your child thinks they can do everything on their own. This involves everything from going potty to cutting with a sharp knife. Lets say in their independent streak they decide to make lunch for themselves and of course...they want a peanut butter and jelly with macaroni and cheese and a tall glass of milk. You agree with the stimulation that whatever they make they clean up so they don't leave a mess in the kitchen and they agree. They set to making their pb and j and surprisingly don't make too much of a mess. Maybe just a little jelly on the counter but nothing they can't clean up themselves. So they set to making their mac and cheese. (sidenote...why anyone would want a pb and j and mac and cheese at the same time...I don't know)...They boil their water, add the noodles and leave it unattended. The boiling water overflows and you've got noodle water all over the stovetop. You try and step in to help but they insist they can do it on their own and don't need your help and tell you to go sit down, so you do. Once the noodles are done they add the powdered cheese (blehh, gross), the butter, and the milk of course spilling things all over the place. Then while they still have the milk out they climb on the counter to get a tall glass so they can have some milk with their oddly chosen meal. In the process of getting the glass they break a shelf and down comes all the plates...BUT they got the treasured glass. They pour the milk and knock the glass over a few dozen times but successfully get one glass of milk....and then its time for lunch. But then the child remembers the agreement. They have to clean up. They turn to see the mess they've created in the kitchen and then comes the overwhelming feeling that the mess they've created is too much for them to clean up on their own. And that's when that sweet stubborn little child comes running to you for help to clean up the kitchen.

Ok that was a very lengthy analogy but bear with me. Can you see the disaster of the kitchen right now? All because they wanted to do it by themselves. My life is the kitchen and I am that stubborn child on an independent streak and of course God was there waiting to help me, tried to help me but in the stubborness and stupidity I thought I could do it on my own. Now I have a mess to clean up and it's just too much for me to do on my own. I can't do it on my own. I'll just make a bigger mess and I feel like a fool. God, I'm wrong. I've been wrong. I can't do it on my own. Will you help me clean up my mess one more time? I'm sorry I didn't listen. I'm stupid and stubborn and I pray that you'll help me clean up my mess one more time.

stop and smell the roses...

Every wish you took the time to stop and smell the roses? If you're anything like me, I'm going to go ahead and say...yeah you probably do; and once again if you're anything like me you find yourself so busy that in order to stop and smell the roses you have to actually schedule time to do it....

Maybe I just have my priorities mixed up. I'm not even in school right now and I'm barely getting time at work so where does my time go? I mean honestly...how am I so busy with absolutely nothing? I feel like I've wasted many days away, but I have to say (and quote a Brad Paisley song...) when I say that it was time well wasted. So maybe I didn't get the job applications I need or maybe I didn't clean the house. I did manage to spend time with my sister in Cincinnati, go over to my Nana's and just shoot the breeze for a while, bake cupcakes for some friends, and make two trips down to Kentucky to see one of my best friends and an amazing guy. So maybe the choices I made weren't the most responsible decisions but who cares. It was time well wasted for me....

Fall is a season of change (yes...once again I'm talking about change. shocker). The leaves turn beautiful shades of golden yellows, fiery oranges, and brilliant reds. The weather shifts from the warm summer breezes to the crisp and nippy autumn winds. Fall is also the time when mothers are sending their babies off to their first days of kindergarten or watching their sons or daughters drive off to their freshman year of college. Fall brings lots of firsts and lots of changes. It's a beautiful season and an enjoyable time for me. It begs the question though...what is changing for me? What is that God wants to change in me? Now don't misconstrue what I'm saying into something like God can only work to change me in the fall. You'd be stupid to think that's what I'm saying. All I'm asking is what is it that God wants to change? I'm a flawed and fallen human being....God really has the pick of the litter in decided what I need to work on. What is it that you want me to work on now God? Show me my inevitable flaws.

God, I don't deserve any of this. I am so thankful for the blessings you've placed in my life. For the people you've taken away and for the people you've dropped in. God you are so amazing and I am so thankful to call you my Father. Thank you for all you've done and all you'll continue to do in my life. You continue to surprise me day after day and I don't deserve the blessings you've given me Lord. I'm so thankful.

Wait and See...

I've never been a huge fan of Christian music. Call me what you will...but I just don't like it. Too many bands try and give the "secular" sound and they just try far too hard and it annoys me....needless to say it's rare if there is Christian music play in my car. The only exceptions to that rule would be Brandon Heath, Francesca Battistelli, and Hillsong ....

Brandon Heath...his music is has that chill feel and his lyrics are so easily related to my life. He has a way of speaking straight into my heart and reminding me that God knows and God cares. Every aspect of my life, MY God is there and MY God has a plan. I just have to remember to let go and let God take the reigns.

Francesca Battistelli...her music is very similar to Brandon Heath's and does the same thing for me. It's just different seeing as it's from a female perspective. Her songs have reminded me so many times to just let go. Let go of my fears. Let go of my past. Let go and Let God. In God's love, despite my screw ups and failures...I'm free to be me.

Hillsong...by far the best praise and worship on the planet. I love singing along to their CD and just praising God. I've been told that going to one of their concerts is one of the best worship experiences of one's life. Just imagine it....a sold out arena, hundreds of thousands of people all singing together praises to an almighty God. That's just enough to put a chill down your spine...

Now I didn't mean for this to read like a music review because if you know anything about my music taste you'll know its pretty well...lame. I was just saying if you're anything like me and really don't dig on the Christian music scene, these are 3 phenomenal artists you should check out....

God is good. Sometimes I forget just how great. I get so caught up in the happenings of life and everything just comes at me all at once and I just need to stop...reflect...listen. Life is full of distractions and full of noise. Sometimes its good to just get away. I'm going to make it my goal to just sit in the quiet and pray, praise, and listen to what the Almighty Creator has for me. My life is yours God. Show me where to go.

Toledo to Tokoyo...

Fall is back in full swing. The air is crisp. The leaves are crunchy and the apple festival is just in a few days. I love fall. I always have. Wait...scratch that. I feel like the love of fall is something that comes with age. Think back to when you were younger. All that mattered was NO SCHOOL. Fall automatically means school has started and even though the colors were beautiful, it meant that I would spend most of those beautiful fall days in Mrs. Cousin's classroom writing in cursive and doing my math problems. As I got older though, my love for fall blossomed. Now there's nothing better than being wrapped up in jackets and scarves taking a walk through wildwood while the leaves crunch underneath your sneakers. Its just a good feeling.

I'm wondering what God has in store for me these next couple weeks...months....years. I guess my life is just a blank canvas once again. I have all these ideas and plans being thrown about inside my head but at this point thats all they are....ideas. I would LOVE to study in England or Australia for a year but I'm still praying about it. It's like I have to make wise decisions now...I can't just make these decisions on a whim. It's already taking me a while to finish school. I don't want to be there forever. God is good though. I'm sure he'll show me where to go....

Sidenote : I bought Brandon Heath's newest album....phenomenal. I'm sure I'll post about one of his songs eventually....

Unpredictable...

College football season has started. Here come the millions of facebook statuses referencing the "big" game....the winning team, the losing team...the emotions depending on if their team won. This would probably be more exciting if I followed football as much as I follow basketball....I root for OSU. It's a family thing (with the exception of my mom) but don't expect to see me screaming at the television anytime soon. I'll leave that to my mother, sister, and brother-in-law...

On a slightly different and definitely a more important note...I'm still trying to figure out why God still has me here and where I'm to go next. God, what's the next move? I'm not stressing over it or anything like that...I'm just merely curious. Where do you want me to go? What do you want me to do? Help me to remember that YOU are what makes my life worthwhile and YOU are the one that makes my way perfect.

Psalms 18: 30-32

(30) God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
(31) For who is God except the Lord? Who but our God is a solid rock?
(32) God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect.

Francesca Battistelli - Unpredictable
Got my thoughts
I got my words
Got this head full of answers
Got You wrapped up
Got You under control
See my future like the past behind me
I think I know where You’re leading
Don’t need no questions
Don’t need no rocking the boat
But I just forget all the mystery
I just forget who You are

(Chorus)
When I know that I know
What You have down the road
When I’m sure that I’ve figured You out
Help me see that I’m small
That I can’t know it all
‘Cause You’re so unpredictable
‘Cause You’re so unpredictable

..... there are more lyrics but she couldn't have seen it any better. God continue to remind me that I'm insignificant. I don't know it all and MY way is not YOUR way and your way is what I need. You are what makes my life worthwhile.

a thankful prayer...

I'm a depraved and foolish human. I deserve nothing but pain and suffering...Jesus thank you for dying for me and for covering my sins. You have saved me from endless suffering and torture and I am forever indebted to you. Thank you for the things you have provided me with...for my salvation, my health. For the promise that you will never leave me or forsake me and for the endless love you have for me. I am not worthy Lord. Inspite of all my failures, you still love me. In my worries, you're there listening to me and giving me the peace I need. In my fears, you're there comforting me and reminding me to trust in you. You are my strength and portion forever God. I pray that you will continue to work in my life. I want your will for me Lord. Show me the path you want me to follow....

WHY WHY WHY?!

I'm trying really hard to keep up on my blogging and unfortunately its all just swirling down the crapper right now...so here's a snippet that's going on in my life....

God is good ALL the time. This is something that I'm struggling to remember...Everything that happens is in his perfect will for my life. HIS plan is much better than mine. These are all things I "know" but struggle to believe when things don't go my way. Let me fill you in. I am no longer going back to Indiana Wesleyan this semester...my loans didn't go through for some reason that is still unknown to me. In the days leading up to this I felt like something was going to happen....I was just very unsure as to why. WHY. This is the question I've been asking a lot lately. WHY am I still in Toledo? WHY didn't my loans go through? I just don't understand and I realize that God is God...I don't have to understand what's going on. I am in loving and completely capable hands. God knows what was going to happen today...last week...next week...and 30 years from now. WHY should I worry? WHY should I act like a petulant child? Right now I'm still in the confused questioning stage...obviously. All I can see right now is all the plans I made disintegrating before my very eyes and there is nothing I can do to stop it....and you know what? that's ok. I'm not going to go back to pushing for my way. My way rarely works out well for me in the end. I'm just in a perpetual state of confusion these days...but I'm sure I'll come out on the other end grateful and happy for these moments.

Today I went to IWU to cancel all my classes, shut down my housing, and talk with financial aid. Needless to say it was a VERY long day. I miss my friends but for some reason I was just in a horrible mood while I was there. Just being there didn't really feel right...it was very confusing. Moment after moment I felt myself getting more and more irritated and aggrivated over the slightest things. Keep in mind that it is the first week of school so the freshman are EVERYWHERE. The student center was bustling with pretty much the entire campus. The offices were packed to the max with worried students (like myself) trying to get everything settled in to place for their semester. With every passing student and every long line I had to wait in, the little bits of patience I had disappeared quicker and quicker. It was like everything was just off...not just the timing, but my friendships, school work, loans...all these things combined just created this scenario that had me wondering what on earth God was doing. I'm still at that place. WHAT IS GOING ON?

[Isaiah 55:8-9]

Epic? Monumental? ehh...

Today was an epic day for the Lasater family. Ok maybe epic is too exciting of a word...today was a monumental day for the Lasater's. Dang...still sounds SUPER exciting.

Today my brother graduated from The Ohio State University. He's the first of the family to do so and it's just pretty thrilling I suppose. This morning I woke up bright and early to get ready and I'm not sure if I mentioned the fiasco with my bangs but needless to say..BANGS ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE....especially for people with oily skin and oily foreheads. Now that you have that visual and understand how fun it is for me to get ready in the mornings...my mom and I headed to my Nana's house to caravan down to Columbus. The car ride went by in a peaceful sleep for me...the moments I was awake held some wonderful thoughts from Mark Driscoll. Fast forward to the actual ceremony. OH MY GOODNESS. While it's wonderful that my brother was graduating...I don't want to sit through a graduation ceremony again. Even my brother was listening to his ipod....its a good thing I have New Moon in my purse....

After the ceremony we took the traditional pictures with my 'non-traditional' family and jetted off to Easton for some delicious Mongolian BBQ. Then the entire dinner was spent convincing my family that 1. I don't need a boyfriend and 2. the waiter is probably not a Christian, not attractive, and had a tongue ring. Needless to say I'm not interested and my interests are elsewhere. Alas I have to say I love my great big disfunctional family :)

On another note...I had this epiphany of sorts today. I love music...thats kind of a no duh thing. I'm also a person that finds herself relating to songs. So I wondered if I could describe myself to someone through music...what songs would they be? Like what songs would be on the soundtrack of my life? I have a pretty hefty list going but if I'm actually going to make the cd I need to narrow it down quite a bit....I'll leave you with one song though.

Unusually Unusual - Lonestar....it seems to be a pretty fitting song for me. If you know me I'm sure you'll agree....lol

Sunday Sunday SUNDAY!

Oh what a beautiful Sunday! Today was a pretty awesome day...not gonna lie.

The sermon this morning was so great and it was definitely something I needed to hear. By female and sinful nature, I am a worrier. I worry all the time. Most of the time its over completely frivolous things...it's pretty much pointless. The sermon was called Why Pray When You Can Worry and it was taken out of Philippians 4:4-9.

(4) Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.
(5)Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;
(6) do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
(7)And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(8)Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
(9)What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Pastor Duke then went on to talk about what worry actually was...SIN. By worrying, we as humans are not making much of God. Throughout the Bible, God is constantly telling us to not worry for he is near. Just take a look at verse 5. I have to agree with Pastor Duke when he states that it is one of the worst divisions in the Bible. "Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is near;" NOTICE the semi-colon...its important. In the NIV, theres a period trying to make it its own sentence and starting off verse 6 as a command. In reality, the Lord is near is the REASON we should not be anxious about anything. It's very simple, the Lord is near; THEREFORE do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. So we've established that worry/anxiety/fear..etc. are sins lets move on...

He goes on to say that in order to overcome worry, we need to replace it with thankful prayer. This is where looking on the bright side and optimism comes in. Instead of focusing on the fact that you've recently lost your job or some other form of unfortunate circumstance, praise God for the things you do have. We are debtors to God. We deserve nothing and everything that we do have is a blessing from him whether that be our health, family, homes...etc. We are blessed beyond what we deserve. Ladies and gentlemen, we deserve death and eternity in hell. Lets just think about this. Think about the most painful thing you have ever encountered whether that is a serious injury, a serious illness, or even a paper cut soaked in lemon juice....then times that by like a million zillion. THAT is what we deserve. God did us a HUGE favor by sending his son to die for us and we are forever indebted to Him. When you feel yourself start to worry, stop and turn it around. Praise him for what he has done and trust him to help you through. Use the same devotion that you use worrying to praising God and praying to him. There is a fine line between a healthy concern and worrying. A healthy concern is something that moves us to take action but ultimately trusts God for the outcome. Worrying is taking the burden upon yourself to carry around and thinking that God can't handle it....not a good place to be I assure you.

Pastor Duke also went on to talk about resting in God's promise and using our minds for God's purpose. In verse 7, God promises us that the peace of God, something our puny little human minds can't understand, will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. God promises us that he'll take care of us. For example, in Matthew 6:25-34, a passage I've come to know well, we're reminded that God takes care of the birds of the air and he clothes the lilies in beauty and splendor. How much more does God care about us? He made us in HIS image...He's going to take care of us. He has a plan for each of our lives and we just need to trust him to guide us along the way. We're also told in verse 8 to think about GOOD things. Things that are pure, true, honorable...etc. These are the things we are to focus on. Thinking produces behavior and behavior reinforces thinking. Don't just sit back and passively listen to your sinful thoughts...and there is a way to overcome this...

the 3 R's
1. REBUKE : rebuke yourself and your sinful thinking.
2. RENEW : renew your mind with scripture. According to Ephesians 6, the only defense we have against sin and Satan is our sword of Truth, the scriptures.
3. REPLACE : replace worry with the opposite good. Instead of worrying, praise and thank God for what you do have and present your requests to Him ultimately trusting him for the outcome.

Like I said....this was a very good and much needed message for me to hear. I've been going through highs and lows lately, today especially when it comes to my future and all that entails. I've found myself fretting and worrying even today after the message about things that don't really matter. I'm just so thankful that I not only serve an almighty God that knows every detail of my life, but also that he loves me enough to forgive me when I stumble and fall day after day. Can I get an amen?!

Blessed be YOUR name...

So here I was about to launch into this long whiny blog post and I decided to journal first (yes I keep a journal AND a blog...I blog more than I journal lol). I started out and then kind of just stopped and smiled. I was about to write this whole entry about how my life is so confusing and so horrible and I felt myself falling back into the person that I was. That's not who I want to be anymore and when I really looked at what I was whining about I just laughed. In the end it doesn't matter. God knows every intricate detail of my life...why should I sweat if so and so likes me or not? I mean really...lets think about this. Why should I waste my time worrying about things God already knows? I want to do what HE wants for my life anyway. He'll bring the right person along at the right time at the right place. I don't want to screw that up so why even try and mess with it?

I find myself coming back to moments like this every week. I keep catching myself falling backwards into old habits and old routines. This is not good my friends but I'm thankful that God has been changing my heart so I can recognize when I'm starting to fall backwards and I can stop and pray for peace, encouragement, or strength to make it through. God is so good. I can't help but be thankful for all he's done in my life this summer.

My thoughts are so scattered right now and its hard to hold a thought but I'll leave you with this. The attitude I want to have in my life is best said in a very popular praise and worship song...Blessed Be YOUR Name. No matter what happens in my life blessed be your name.

blessings and love

Can I just state one more time how much I truly love the rain? I was driving home tonight from a friends house watching it hit my windshield and sang to my hearts content my praises to God. It was wonderful and I just can't explain how much I loved it.

When I think of my life a few words come to mind. Blessed and loved are the big ones. I am so blessed beyond what I deserve. God has provided so much for me and I can't believe how wonderful it is that I serve the Almighty Creator. I am also loved so much by not only God but my family, my mother in particular. My family's been through a lot. Those of you that know me personally and know my story can attest to that. I can't complain though, God had his hand in every situation and has made us each stronger because of what we've gone through. Maybe I'll dedicate a post sometime to my testimony. Praise be to God though, seriously. I am nothing without Him and I'm so thankful for the changes that have happened this summer. God you are so good to me.

money money money....

This will just be a short post really...

I love how frustrating money can be. Sometimes I wish it just didn't exist and that everything was free. Now I realize that's completely illogical but I'm just saying...it would be nice. I wouldn't have to sit at my computer and finagle numbers and fill out applications with a MILLION questions about what I'm doing to e-mail my financial aid counselor (who according to my "entrance counseling" is supposed to be super helpful) doesn't seem to exist at Indiana Wesleyan. Funny how that goes right? I'm not going to stress it or fret it. I'll just spend a great deal of time on the phone with them tomorrow in order to get it all filled out. I'm trying to look at it like this....atleast its better than being on the phone with Falush in India trying to fix your HP laptop. They're from Indiana...how hard can they be to understand?

It's nice when you have your friends check in on you. Especially when you've asked them to and they remember. Friends are great....I'm pretty much blessed beyond what I deserve!

Oh lovely, I get to work until 3 am today...Praise the Lord I have a job.

rain rain...you can stay!

There is something so beautiful about the rain. I love the idea of running through the rain with your friends, spinning around in circles or sitting next to a window at a coffee shop sipping on your favorite mocha or latte. Then of course there is that uber romantic moment of that spectacular kiss in the rain with the one you love. There is also something so relaxing and soothing about it. The sound of it hitting the window is enough to make me drift off into a peaceful night of rest. I don't know what it is...I just really like the rain. Now weeks and weeks of rain would not be good for me....I find my mood is highly affected by the weather by an occasional rainy day is definitely something I look forward to.

I'm begining to grow impatient and anxious for school. I know it'll be here before I know it, but I'm growing tired of the "you're still here?!" and the occasional "when do you leave again?" Trust me guys, I want to leave just as much as you apparently want me to. I know they probably don't really mean it the way they make it sound but I'm ready to get back out of Toledo. I miss my friends from school. I miss my country boys, my 2 West West girls...not to mention my friends with amazing music taste, my melon smashing buddies, and my big goofy Travis. I want to have a set routine for each day and while I love sleeping in, I miss my mornings. I'm also looking forward to Summit. The worship is always so wonderful during Summit week and I haven't heard a speaker I didn't like. Moral of the story is...September 8 can you please hurry up?

rants rambles and updates...

So much for an alliteration...It's been a while since my last post...many things have happened...

I'm very blessed for a number of reasons...

1. Sadie Lynn Kollar
   -I have a beautiful new niece. She is going to be my little princess until I Lord willing have one of my own. She is just so precious. I'm so excited to see her grow up and even though she lives kind of far away, I'm hoping to see her as much as possible. God blessed my sister with a healthy little girl and a fairly easy labor. I'm praying that the transition to 2 children is as easy as possible for her but only time will tell I suppose...
2. Friendships old AND new
   -I've had the privilege of meeting some new friends in the past few weeks and they're a riot let me tell you. It's funny how people can surprise you...I've known some of these people or known of them for 5+ years and I had no desire to get to know them. I don't know if it was because I was just to proud to meet them or what my deal was, but like I said...people can surprise you. I'm forming the type of friendships with some of them where I can talk to them about anything and while I have a few of them already it doesn't hurt to have more. To quote the Babysitters Club (yes...I like that movie...don't judge me) "My mom says if I can count the number of true friends I have on one hand I'm insanely blessed. Well I have 5 fingers and more than 5 friends. I'm lucky..." Well that may not be an exact quote but I think you get the gist. This year has been very...interesting for me. I have formed what I think to be really strong friendships with some people that I've known for years and rarely talked to and at the same time I've seen some of my best friendships fizzle down to awkward glances, forced smiles, and uncomfortable conversation. People change...I get that...but its just sad to see.
3. Jesus
   -He has been doing such a work in my life this summer. He's placed people in my life that won't let me BS my way through a conversation and will flat out tell me that I'm wrong. While it all started back in March...old habits die hard. The first couple months of summer were full of stupid mistakes and stupid choices. Enter the people that will tell me when I'm wrong and stupid....Everything is all so recent with me and it's hard to fully describe what it is that's been happening. Conviction is a big part of it and so is repentance. Those are two things that have been happening a lot. Things that I used to have no problem doing or saying I'm now convicted about because they're well...WRONG. It's amazing how messed up our thinking can get at times. The way we justify doing something based on the standards non-Christians hold. It's so easy to play the "well I'm not as bad as HE is" game. Newsflash...we are not the judge of right and wrong...God is and He has high standards. It's been a big summer in my life and with school just around the corner I'm eager to see what God has in store...

LOVE letters...

I'm not artistic...in any sense of the word. I've been told I'm creative though. I think that's a load too, but I guess I'll take the compliment. The past couple weeks I've been thinking a lot about the decorations I want to have in my room at school and in my "creative genius" I came up with the idea of letters. Well my first set of letters, or my DFTBA letters as I refer to them, turned into a bit of a disaster...my hand isn't as steady as it used to be and my paisley stenciling looks...well pitiful. I still haven't decided if I'm going to re-do them yet. My second set of letters though hold a bit more of importance. They are my LOVE letters. While they're still in the process of being done, they're turning into basically what I was hoping for. On each letter, I have different verses about the concept of 'love'. The verses range from Romans 8:38-39, where it talks about how nothing can seperate us from the love of God, to 2 John 1:6 "And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love." I'm hoping that every time I look at these letters I remember to love the people around me. When I say love, I mean like LOVE...not just tolerate. I feel like I don't love as much as I should. According to Jesus, that's the second greatest commandment, to love your neighbor as yourself. That's a concept I'm still working on...keep in mind I'm under construction...so pardon my dust.

On a side note, I love hymns. Chris Rice has a CD of hymns that he added his own personal touch to and in Chris Rice fashion, they're wonderful. One that I seem to listen to a lot is the Old Rugged Cross. Each verse brings its own sense of hope for me. Without that cross I have no hope. I deserve death and complete separation from God. Its reasons like this that I am so thankful for the cross. Jesus Christ died my death so my sins could be pardoned. Knowing the horrible things that I've done and knowing the inevitable sins of my future....I've never been more thankful for that cross where he bled and died to take away my sins....

I'm Not Who I Was...

So there is a song out on K-Love and other Christian radio stations called I'm not who I was. I am obsessed with this song....you should definitely listen to it. I ended up buying one of his cds and found myself really relating to his lyrics...not to mention I really like his style...

School is just around the corner and I have to ask myself....are these changes I've fought so hard for going to stick? What happens when I'm not around the people that have been so influential in helping me change? Today at church, my friend Adam asked me a really important question and told me to let it "marinate" (his words not mine...) He asked me about all the changes in my life have been for a boy, or for God. I kind of just looked at him thinking to myself...wow I really can't believe he just asked me that question...what kind of a person does he think I am? Then I thought back to just the things I shared with him from my past...and saw what he meant. Adam is probably one of the few people that I am 100% honest with. He has this beautiful way of telling you straight up what he's thinking. When you've done something stupid...he lets you know and he and I have shared a lot of those moments. When he puts on that certain face with the furrowed eyebrows and points that finger at you....you know you're in for a little bit of a lecture, but you know sometimes I need that. So when he asked me that question I was caught off guard and even though I gave him my answer without letting it marinate, I stand by my answer. These changes weren't for a boy. Don't get me wrong...this boy is pretty great but all in all I've finally realized that before I get into a relationship with someone else, I need to have a solid relationship with the only person that really matters and that would God. I can't really explain what he's been doing in my life, other than slowly changing me. I realize how undeserving I really am and wonderful the gift of grace is. I can't believe how much time I've wasted trying to make myself happy and living for myself. That's not the person I want to be and I realize thats the person that I was. I'm not who I was. I don't ever want to be that person again and I'm excited about the new things that God is doing in my life now...

Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See! I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

...I'm aware of the person that I used to be and I realize change doesn't happen overnight, but I'm heading that direction and even though I don't have to answer to you, I'm determined to show you that its a genuine change. Just give me time...

The Daughter Project...

I find myself with a mist in my eye once again. Diary of a Mad Black Woman does it to me every time. It's always at the end, with that beautiful, soulful, and powerful song when everything is right again. Goosebumps and eye-watering every time. Then when it gets to the very end (SPOILER ALERT) and Helen and Orlando are back together and they walk of in a very Officer and a Gentleman moment out of the steel factory. It just makes me eager to get to the day when I have my own man. The kind of man that loves me with the kind of love that only God can create in a man. I'm just waiting for my one good love.

I am lucky enough to have been taught by an amazing man named Jeff Wilbarger. He was my high school math teacher as well as a class advisor and let me tell you, that man has such a love for the Lord and such a passion for serving him in whatever capacity that he can. He recently just began a non-profit organization called the Daughter Project for victims of human trafficing. Someone that was my teacher is giving his time and effort for the bettering of someone else. He did this every day in his classroom with his students, he did it at home with his family. This man just has so much to give. I would encourage everyone that thinks about it to pray for him and just pray for the people that are going to be involved in this new ministry. I know I will be....

http://www.toledoblade.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090725/NEWS10/907250348/-1/NEWS29

click click PANCAKES.

I would be the one that wakes up at 2 am wanting pancakes. I also would be the one that goes downstairs to the freezer to get some (Ego does pancakes now...it makes my life easier). Now that I've satisfied another ridiculous early morning craving I find the sugar from the syrup keeping me a little buzzed. Here I sit...well ok lay...on my bed thinking about life and all the crazy things that happen.

I'm so thankful that I serve a God that really cares about me, even about the little things...things like letting my birthday flowers last this long (maybe I know nothing about flowers...but a week is a pretty long time when they're in a vase right?) or things like having a glue gun to finish up my DFTBA letters so I don't have to buy another one. Its the little things in life really.

I've been listening to the Redeeming Ruth series lately by Mark Driscoll (I mentioned him earlier...REALLY good) and it has me thinking about love and God's hand in the love lives of his children. I'll admit it....there is a boy that I like...a lot. In case you don't understand what I mean when I say that, I'll revert to being in second grade again... I like him-like him. There are so many things that have happened that I don't want to over-analyze and read into...but it just seems like its God's way to doing things? Yet again, I wonder...maybe I'm really just over-analyzing things. I mean, let's get real here. I'm a female...generally speaking, females tend to over-analyze things. I am one of those females. I can over-analyze and this is one of those delicate situations where I really don't want to. The way I see it is this...it's already mid-July (its my mommy's birthday today btw...happy birthday mommy :) in a few short weeks he'll be packing up and leaving for school...a few weeks after that I'm packing up and leaving for school. I've already prayed a lot about it and I've basically just handed the situation over to God. He knows what the best scenario is for both of us and if that involves us being together great. If he calls for me to remain just friends with him that's great too. I've learned to just not push the envelope when it comes to trying to get my way. I did that once with a relationship and I'll never consciously do it again. I'm no longer in control of my life. God is at the wheel and he knows the best way to steer. He knows the path I need to travel and He knows what's best for me. Once again I ask...who am I? Who am I to question the almighty creator? Me. a small speck compared to him. If you want to think of it in terms of Dr. Seuss....I'm a Who in Whoville...that's how small I am in the scheme of things. God is my Horton. My hero. He can see things in the big perspective. All I can see is what's around me. I can't see the bigger picture, so I'd rather let God take care of it.

who am i?

Honestly...who am I?

I am a dreadful, evil, and prideful sinner...yet God still loves me. I serve an amazing God. I have been learning so much in such a short time...I can't really explain how I'm feeling right now. I guess I'm just so thankful and so shocked that despite my many many pitfalls God still wants me. ME. It blows my mind.

I've been doing a lot of two things.

1) Reading Lies Young Women Believe (yes..I'm still reading the book)
2) Listening to Mark Driscoll sermons.(http://www.marshillchurch.org/)

I wish I would have read the book earlier. So many things would have been different in my high school and early college years. Something I've been convicted about it friendship. It's not about who I like or who likes me...it's about who needs a friend. I feel like sometimes I think about myself too often. I have the "well what would people think of me if I talked to them..." thoughts and thats just ridiculous. Think about it...Jesus was friends with the lepers...the prostitutes...the tax collectors. These were all people that were socially unacceptable to be seen with let alone extend friendship to. Surely if Jesus can do that I can befriend the weak nerd that has odd tendencies. Surely I can be friends with the girl that has been picked on through her entire high school career. I realize I'm totally guilty of this. I've always been quick to judge and quick to think I'm "too good" to hang out with someone. That's totally the wrong attitude to have...and I can't believe I've wasted so much time doing it.

Mark Driscoll is wonderful. Plain and simple. I've been listening to this Redeeming Ruth messages and they've been interesting and challenging to hear. I always thought as the book of Ruth as this great love story about Ruth and Boaz and how Boaz takes Ruth in despite their difference in backgrounds and her financial state. It's always been one of those "I want a man like Boaz" stories, and while Boaz still is pretty awesome and definitely Ruth's knight in shining armor, I guess I missed the obvious. The story of Ruth and Boaz is the Gospel. Ruth is the figure for me (or us) and Boaz is Jesus. I won't do it justice if I try to explain it....just listen to it. It's good stuff...

20 years...

Well I've succesfully made it through another birthday and this one was totally boss. By far the best birthday I've had in a very very long time...if not ever. My friends have been so amazing and went far beyond what I expected. Now don't go thinking I've become a big birthday lover because I'm not really...but I just had a very chill day and was able to just enjoy myself. It was by far what I wanted and needed...

God has been so good to me and has given me more than I deserve. I have wonderful friends that I love and love me. I spent the afternoon at the Steele's house and that entire family is just wonderful...I love going over there and just talking to Mrs. Steele...listening to Jordyn....watching Princess Protection Program with Janae...then bugging Josh and Mr. Steele when they get home from work. They always give me something to smile about lol

I feel pretty content with my life right now. Like I know that God has the ultimate control over my life and my biggest wants at the moment is basically just growing closer to him. It's not neccesarily a bad want to have right now. Maybe its just because I had a wonderful day but I'm just settled and happy with my life right now. God's brought me to the place I need to be right now and it's pretty solid...life is good =)

vacation...

So here I sit in phase 2 of my road trip vacation. I have to say I'm enjoying my time...it's definitely been restful!

phase 1 : Peoria, Illinois

Oh how I miss the Hellige family! They were so unbelievably kind and hospitable to me while I was there! I got to just relax and not worry about really anything. It was nice to hang out with Katie and my Jakey boy. I've missed those two so very much. I got to catch up with Katie and talk about the future...school...boys. Oh it was wonderful! And then theres Jake...oh that boy. Let me tell you he's quite a funny kid to be around. He took me out for a "hot date" on Saturday night and showed me a good time in P-town. It was pretty much awesome.

phase 2 : Fairmount, Indiana

I've been here a million times before...yet its always nice to come back. I've only been here a day and they're already picking on me...annoying me...just like the way things always will be. Oh these boys...they keep me entertained! It's great though...It'll be a few days full of fires...s'mores...and apparently a softball game. Let the good times roll.

imperfection is what i'm full of...

This book is blowing my mind. I can't believe how many of Satan's lies I choose to believe. I could list them all for you but it would be far too long. I have so many things that are constant struggles in my life. I deal with the shallow aspect of physical beauty. I struggle with trying to buy my happiness. I struggle with forgiving those who've abandoned me. I struggle with finding my worth in God, not what I do on earth. I have so many struggles that have been pointed out to me and I'm not even halfway through this book. God is opening my eyes right now and I'm not liking what I'm seeing. I want to break free from these holds that Satan has on me and I know it won't be an easy road, so I'll appreciate the prayers...

imperfect and broken are two things I currently am. Only God can piece me back to what I need to be.

just one of those days...

Today was another one of those days. You know those days when you've been gone all day but gotten nothing accomplished? One of those days where you're just tired at the end of from doing a whole lot of nothing? Yes....it's been one of those days.

Before I crawl into bed I just want to take a moment to get some writing out of my system.

It's amazing to see what can happen in 6 months. I realize how obsessed I am with going back and looking at things of the past but c'mon...I'm a history major...I think that's a give in. I was reading through my journal entries (yes..I keep a blog AND a journal...) and its amazing to see how God really worked in each situation. The doubts that I had about my relationship with Nate...how we had so many problems and I really wanted God to show me His will and He did. The moments of lonliness in a big new school...God sent me the close friendships I was seeking. The direction in seeking a new major...just everything I needed He provided. When I think back even further I realize all the other ways He really provided for me and my family. After my dad left He kept the people in our lives that would help us out. He provided the furniture...the cars...the food...the hot water...and the positivity of the people around us. Sure we got those "aww...poor thing" looks but over all he kept the right people in our lives. It's pretty awesome to see how all things work together for good...(is it sad that I just heard that in John Piper's voice?)

Goodnight and bagel bites everyone....

Lies, Prayer, and Poopy Diapers?

In typical Chelsea fashion, I've managed to lose my barrings again. Everything I committed to doing back in March has slowly fallen apart and I'm back at square one again.

First off I have to say that I'm so thankful to have a loving God that not only loves me unconditionallybut also forgives me everytime I screw up...its a real comfort to know that He's always there, no matter what I've managed to screw up. I also want to say that I'm plowing through and shoveling up the crap thats been consuming my life. Like any type of thorough cleansing...it's going to take some time, some elbow grease, and a lot of focus. Lucky for me I have my tools....

Tool #1 : I have my Bible and the book I'm currently going through (Lies Young Women Believe) This book I first started reading when I was still and Indiana Wesleyan but I didn't get very far in it...I've read through the second chapter and my eyes have seriously been open to a lot of things that are wrong with my life...it's definitely been a helpful and challenging book.

Tool #2 : I have an amazing church that I attend. I've been at Emmanuel my entire life, and when I say entire I really mean it. I was born on a Sunday afternoon and Pastor Fuller announced my birth that night. Next Sunday you better believe I was there in all my awkward newborn baby looks. (sidenote...newborn babies look weird...alien-like almost...kind of freaky but apparently moms say theres nothing like the newborn smell? and what smell would that be...poopy diapers and spit-up?...end of sidenote) I've been at that church through it all and a million sunday school classes, thousands of memory verses, and hundreds of nilla wafers...I'm still there and I wouldn't have it any other way. God has brought an amazing new senior pastor to the church and I've definitely enjoyed his preaching.

Tool #3 : I have awesome friends. I have people that I can talk to about the happenings of my life and I have people that are willing to pray for me and encourage me in the different ways. God's been so good to me by giving me different people that have encouraged me my entire life. I'm so grateful for that...

It's going to be a long road and I'm still not going to be perfect. I was explaining to a friend tonight that I have a strong personality and change doesn't come easily for me. I know with God's help anything is possible, but for the record....I'm stubborn. I'll be sure to keep you posted on the happenings as they go....

Ain't that the way it goes...

Ain't that the way it goes...basically Gloriana is an amazing country band. I was unsure at first but I'm a fan. Its very like Little Big Town meets Sugarland meets Zac Brown band? That's the only way I can think to describe it...

I wish life had an "easy button". You see the staples commercials and all they do is hit the button and poof the problem is taken care of. It's amazing how one event will drastically change you forever. It affects every aspect of your life without you even realizing it. Awesome. Am I ever going to be back to my brand of normal again?

Another Day. Another Boyband...

Alright ladies...ready for a stroll down memory lane? I've had a lot on my mind recently and while this may not neccesarily apply to everyone, I know it definitely applies to me.

My whole life I've been labeled as "boy crazy". I think it all started at the age of 3 when I shared a play pen with a boy I affecionately nicknamed "Bubba". We went to the same horrible day care and had chicken pox at the same time. I think its safe to say he was my first "boyfriend", if at that age there is such a thing. It then escalated from Bubba to Chris Condon (who by the way is madly in love with my best friend...). Oh the memories I have of chasing him all over the playground aching for that one kiss. One fateful day I got that kiss...it took me and 6 other girls and I got a scrapped knee because of it, but it was totally worth it. It then slowly progressed to the days of 'N sync, Backstreet Boys, and Hanson. I was totally boyband crazy. I could tell you everything about them. What JC's favorite food was...Justin's favorite color...not to mention sing word for word to every song...

Here's my thought though...thinking back to those days of singing and "rocking out" to 'N sync. I could sing all those songs and not miss a word, but if you would've asked me what my Bible verse was I wouldn't be able to tell you. What does that tell you about my priorities? To this day I can still sing those songs word for word, but I can only quote a few of the "big" verses from my AWANA days. I wish I could say that as I've grown older and matured my priorities have shifted. I still find myself falling back into the boy-crazed state of mind. I obviously keep this blog, but I also keep a more detailed and private journal. The past couple days I've just noticed how far I've fallen since the God-high of the middle of the semester. I've been otherwise distracted with...you've guessed it...boys. I know there can be a happy medium...but I just have to get my priorities right. Not to mention the concept of boys/commitment/dating completely petrifies me. Never in my life did I think I would be afraid of commitment, but I guess that's just what happens when you've gotten burned. I've learned a lot...but I've got a long way to go before I'm anywhere near where I should be.

...After all this has passed I still will remain after I've cried my last there'll be beauty from pain though it won't be today someday I'll hope again and there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain...

For MY thoughts are not YOUR thoughts...

Once again I've had that moment where I've shut down my computer and I'm restlessly lying in bed. There was just a nagging in my head. My thoughts were everywhere and then wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am a verse pops into my head...

Isaiah 55:8-9
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

There is a phrase that I've recently used quite a bit. "I do what I want." The perfectly fitting phrase for a stubborn little booger head like myself. However, I have to think...how often has doing what I wanted gotten me into trouble? I mean seriously...lets think about this. I thought I knew what was best for me when I decided to go to the University of Toledo. Within the first couple days,I hated college. Now had I taken the right approach...maybe things wouldn't have happened that way. Maybe I would've gone away to school right away. Now of course God definitely has a way of bringing you to the right place that he has for you but then again I have to wonder how differently things would've been had I actually looking in to different school options. I wonder how many other aspects of my life would have been affected? Don't get me wrong...I'm pretty happy at the place in life God has me, but then again I apparently enjoy playing the "what-if" game.

• What if I took the right approach to choosing a school.
• What if I would've listened to my sister, best friends, and practically everyone else when it came to my love life.
• What if I actually battled against my stubborn habit and did what someone else wanted me to do?

See...now that's where the dilemma is. I can't spend my whole life doing what everyone else wants me to do. What kind of a life would that be anyway? Constantly living to please other people when in reality...who cares about their opinion. It's not like in the end their opinions are the ones that will really matter. Which brings me back to the verses. I read these verses on my friends xanga after she found out her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and I immediately wrote them down. They're pinned on my board along with a couple others I like to remember. God's plans are way bigger and way better than my plans. My plans are bland compared to his. I get to a point where I think "well ok God...things are going pretty well...I can take it from here..." and then like a slap in the face something bad happens and I go running back with my metophorical tail between my legs. It's a constant cycle. Now heres another question. WHY AM I SO RETARDED? I mean honestly...God has the perfect plan for my life and I have the audactiy to think that I can do better? How messed up is that. Here's my thinking and realize it's almost 2 o'clock in the morning so don't hold your breath for anything too earth-shattering. This is me after all...but here's my thought. Stubborness is kind of a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing when the thing your stubborn about is good. For example, I'm stubborn to the point that no matter what anyone tries to convince me...I will not stop believing in God. See..good stubborness. Now its bad when I'm stubborn enough to think that I can run my life better than someone who has proven over and over and over again that is plan is unbelievably better. I mean this is the God that planned out the lives of King David, Daniel, Esther, Paul...etc. When they followed God's plan for them, they were used in so many ways. When they tried things their own way...down the pooper they went. I'm kind of sick of being in the pooper. It's really no fun there. So here's my thinking...how about I keep the good stubborness...and lose the bad? Sound good? Why yes...yes it does. Sound easy? Well...yeah I guess a little. Will it be? HECK NO... but I'm going to try really really REALLY hard.

Because these things will change...

I'm tired. That's basically what it comes down to...I'm borderline crabby and kind of out of it so trying to create a coherent post may be more difficult than I initially thought when I started typing.

If you read back through past posts, change is a big concept in almost all of them. As redundant as it sounds...I'm going to talk about change once more. In one year more things have changed about me than in any other year. I've had more "defining moments" if you will...I went through a major change from college student living at home to a college student living "on her own". That was a big change. Then I had the whole changing of major thing...not to mention a pretty bad break up. God was so good to me through those changes and I know he'll help me through this next one....My friends are super important to me. I would say they are tied with my family for importance, especially my best friends. So riddle me this, what do you do when you're pretty much watching your entire friendship change and there really isn't anything you can do to stop it. You're going one direction and she's going the other. It's not much fun...not to mention you've been the way she's going and its really not that great of a place to go. Obviously I should give a warning or something but we would kind of need to talk for that to happen. It's not like we haven't tired...but we're both just super busy and have different priorities...who knows what'll happen. All I'm saying is it kind of sucks.

I have to say though, I'm thankful for my friends that don't change...no matter how long it's been since we last talked. I was in Columbusthis past weekend and I had the opportunity to hang out with my friend Seth for a little bit. That kid is practically made of awesome. I haven't seen him since last summer and especially during the school year we were both super busy so we didn't talk much either but when I was talking to him I felt like nothing had really changed. The conversation flowed freely and it was just really...chill. I love friendships like that. It's the same way with my honey bunny. I don't see her as often as I'd like but I don't really feel awkward having a conversation with her. I guess this is just a part of growing up...blah blah blah

Another Taylor Swift Song...

Its been another summer day and I feel like I have something to say but I can't quite place what it is so here I sit in my reading corner, drumming my fingers on my laptop.

I've been told by someone that my life reads like a Taylor Swift song and I have to admit I do have a tendency to switch gears into the teenage mind set but if you think about it...I'm still a teenager. I have almost exactly one month of teenage years left. So this brings me to ask....where has the time gone? Where did my days of coloring books and Where's Waldo go? Well I have to admit...I still enjoy a good Where's Waldo book and we all know I still have several coloring books I still color when I get the time but honestly where did the time go? I recently hung out with my honey bunny and instead of talking about the newest gossip around school or what we were going to wear to the next big party, we talked about careers...marriage...and the future. Can I just say OH MY CRAP. I feel so...old. Ridiculous right? I'm not even 20 years old yet and I'm classifying myself as old. Time just moves too quickly for me I suppose. I have friends that are getting married...friends that have already gotten married...and friends that are planning their engagments. It's insanity is what it is. It'd be nice to freeze time for a bit.

On another note...I'm a reader. Not sure when the whole "I love to read" thing started because if you ask any of my elementary teachers they would tell you how much I hated it. I would refuse to read....reading was stupid or atleast thats how I saw it. I think the whole reading kick came when the school started the lovely AR program. Oh Accelerated Reader...how you drove me crazy when I was in school. It turned out though that all those points I earned developed a love for reading in me. I guess I owe Mrs. Christiaanse and Mrs. Covrett for that. I've recently started combining my love for history with my love for reading. I'm in the process of reading two biographies. They're both a little random I'm aware but one is on Walt Disney and the other is Kirk Cameron. Yes...that's right. I'm reading Mike Seaver's biography. While reading through these, it makes me wonder...if I was interesting enough to right about what would my biography say? When I think back to my past years I can't really think of anything worth while. I mean sure...I have enough cute antedotes from my years as the pesky little asian girl that ran around being rambunctous and devious, but when it really comes down to it what worth while things have I done? Now I'm not expecting to create a cure for cancer because those that know me will tell you how horrible I am at science. I don't expect to save the world one hybrid car at a time. I don't really expect much I suppose. I just wonder what would be said. Would it be something along the lines of "oh Chelsea...that was the cute little asian girl" or "oh Chelsea...loud, obnoxious, and spoiled rotten but for some reason we still loved her" or would it be "Chelsea...while she had a lot of screw ups and made a lot of mistakes...she still tried to live each day being the best person she could be and used her gifts and talents all for the glory of God."

I'm not sure what my point was of this...maybe its just another day of rambling. Maybe I am turning into Taylor Swift...looks like only time will tell.

Mid-day Ramblings

Another day of summer. Another day of work. Another day without a nap...so tell me why is it that I'm blogging instead of napping? Apparently I'm just slightly retarded but I guess I'm ok with that for the time being...

One would think that something deep and profound would have happened to me in the past month or so since I've posted. I can honestly say I don't think anything has happened. Since I've been home from school I've managed to go back to Indiana twice and during the first trip I really learned some "life lessons" as lovely as they are.

Life lesson #1 : Girls are stupid. Shock of the century right there huh? Basically what it comes down to is girls are lame and they're mean and catty. I'm the first to admit that I can get like that but for the most part I just try to be chill because really who wants to stay in a high school state of mind forever? Not this chick...

Life lesson #2 : Not all boys should be trusted. That's a lesson I really should've learned a long time ago but for some reason I like to be naive and think that the bad apples are in the minority...when in reality they're the majority. I mean I know there are still some class act guys out there but up until recently I just kept finding douche bag after douche bag. To use a Caleb quote...NOT GOOD. Needless to say...I've definitely become a little paranoid about the people I hang out with. Last thing I need is a replay of some of the things that have happened this past semester.

Life lesson #3 : This one is one that has been drilled into my head over the past few months...I can thank my dear friend Josh for it and his love of John Piper. Don't Waste Your Life. Each day should be a day where I grow spiritually and find ways to serve Christ in my life. For me I know I don't always reflect a Christ-like attitude. I screw up a lot and I know that..shoot everyone knows that. I'm not going to try and make an excuse by saying its 'hard' or something else equally lame. Creating excuses won't do anything and it won't help me better myself. To quote relient k...the truth is excuses are lame. accept consequence, accept the blame. Based on stupid choices that I've made in the past...I'm still reaping the consequences and yeah it sucks but you learn to just go on and not make the same mistake twice...or three times...etc. Moral of the story is...Don't Waste Your Life (Phil. 1:20-21) [Josh...you're the best]

on a less serious note...here is a list of random things I've accomplished...

• I learned how to spell 'definitely'. I'm almost 20 years old for goodness sake and I didn't know how to spell it. Thank goodness for T9word.
  
• I completed my 60 hours of observation for my major. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...I'm curious to see what it would be like in a public school.
  
• I've made about a million cards [slight exaggeration] but really I haven't made any cards in a long time...so this was thrilling
  
• I (well ok...mommy) bought me Criminal Minds season 2. I don't know why I find the show so interesting but its quickly become an obsession.
  
• I currently have a Jack Johnson obsession. Lucky for me I have friends that are obsessed as well. Hooray for mix cds.

Nerd Alert.

I am a nerd and I'm proud of it! Here I am on my second day of "official" summer vacation and what am I doing...watching the History Channel. I have to say I consider myself lucky. I'm out of school much earlier than everyone else! At the same time however, I can't wait to get back and see all my friends...three males in particular. Ryne, Russ, and Brock. They pretty much rock my socks....They have become the three people I hang out with most, which has apparently caused some dissension among their friends but its not my fault? Needless to say, its been two days and I miss them.

I'm excited its summer though. I'm curious and eager to see what God does in my life in the next four months. We have a new pastor taking the pulpit in a few weeks and from what I remember when he spoke, he's going to be great! I'm basically just really excited for things to happen!!

My thoughts are all over the place these days...I haven't had the opportunity to update in a while and its unfortunate that its not very profound...please forgive me haha

Sunshine and Summertime

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to summer and next school year! I have so many things to do before the end of this semester in order to ensure I'll be here next semester. I need to get a new plan, pay my bill, register for classes, get financial aid in order and get my housing in...

I have to say I'm really looking forward to seeing how God works...especially this summer and next year. I want to see what doors he'll open and what doors he'll slam shut. I'm really excited for everything though. I've made some awesome friends so far this semester and none of it would've happened if I hadn't gone through the crap I did. I'm so thankful for it now and I knew I would be once I was through it. I'm just really eager to see what the summer and school year hold for me!

Laguna Beach?

Ok stick with me here...its another stretch...

Have you ever watched a "reality" tv show and watched all the drama unfold, all the stupid girls, all the stupid decisions and swear to yourself you would NEVER put up with it? I remember saying these things. I rememeber saying I would never make the same stupid mistakes Jessica made in Laguna Beach season 2...I would never let myself fall into the situation with her and Jason. Yet some how I found that I have and I did. I have no idea how it happened though...it kind of just did. You "fall in love" and suddenly you lose yourself and you lose the concept of self preservation...atleast thats how it is with me. When I'm in love I give everything I have to give. The person comes first before me. His needs...basically anything I can do in my power I do. I'm a people pleaser as unfortunate at it is...I love making other people happy. It's a good quality and a bad quality to have...I'm easy to take advantage of and I know that yet some how I manage to let myself be taken advantage of. I put myself in stupid situations and it just...happens. Wow. Not fun and the whole picking up the pieces of your life when one person basically shatters it with a baseball bat is no fun either. All my dreams for the future...scattered on the floor. Now how do I not be angry about it? Could you tell me? Is there a magic way to just get over it? No...there isn't and it sucks.

As if picking up the broken pieces of my heart and self-confidence isn't enough I get to make a big girl decision here soon. I get to decide on a career. YAY! I'm just really lost as to what to do. God I'm trying to see your will but I'm getting clouded by my stubborness and my wants. I feel like we're constantly playing tug-of-war and I don't know why I'm not just letting go. I'm trying but its like the rope is glued to my hands and I just can't give up and give you control. Why am I a control freak?

Yet another weekend at home...

I know what you're all thinking. Wow she must really hate being at school. Well thats not entirely true. I enjoy it there especially since I've met some pretty sweet people and I'm looking forward to getting to know them better. One in particular...but I'm not looking to get my hopes up just yet. It's inevitablely going to be a little complex if I let it.

So the reason why I'm home. I've been having vision issues. The eye doctor wanted to see me...therefore I had to miss class Friday and go to the eye doctor. It was a good time let me tell you! But not to worry...I'm fine. Apparently floaters are completely normal? Yeah I looked at him like he was insane when he told me that seeing as I've never had a problem with them until like...2 1/2 weeks ago. I'm happy to say that I'm "normal" atleast in the vision aspect...but I still think being normal is overrated.

I'm still struggling through some stuff right now. God I really don't understand what you're trying to do and what you want for my life. Douglas J? IWU? I'm having trouble clearly seeing God. Show me your path...I'm still struggling with more...personal aspects...of life as well. Anger and frusteration are way easier to feel. I'm tired of this battle. Everyday...same thing...and here's the great thing...some how I'm still finding a way to blame it on myself?! How sick is that? Apparently I've just got issues...

I get to see Kevin tonight. [[woot]]

Open My Eyes, Ears, and Heart...

God I feel like you're trying to tell me something right now and I'll admit, I haven't really been listening. I've messed up again God. Open my eyes, my ears, and my heart to your will Lord. I want what you have for me. The blessings, the trials, the life lessons...I want all that you would have for me. Renew my mind. Renew my spirit. Renew my soul O God.

"A thousand times I fail still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades.
Never ending your glory goes beyond all fame.

Your will above all else my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting you light will shine when all else fades
Never ending your glory goes beyong all fame.

In my heart and my soul, I give you control,
consume me from the inside out Lord.
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
to love you from the inside out..."

Let this be my prayer God...

I'm definately finding myself a cup full of crazy these days. I'm starting to think I actually need to go to the doctor and well...that's back home and I'm here, three hours away with no car. Good plan right? Well I guess here's hoping that I get to go home sometime here in the near future and that I'll be able to get an appointment!

I'm falling behind on the what I wanted to accomplish by this point in time. I thought I'd be really sure about where I wanted to be next year but after visiting the school I'm pretty sure I'm more confused than I was before I went. I have yet to read through all the material because quite frankly, I have other things I'd rather be reading. For example, Lies Women (and Young Women) Believe has been just sitting lonely on my shelf. I was so excited to read those books as devotional thoughts and they're still kind of just sitting there. Lets chalk another up for losing track of time and falling asleep. I really need to read those books though, they'll definately come in handy later on.

So remember the no boys vow? Yeah me too...so let me ask you this. The second I decide to take a break and kind of just heal why is it that oh I don't know...6 different guys all show interest? Ok I may be over-exaggerating on a few of them...but honestly like a few have vocalized their...feelings. I'm so not in the mood to deal with this. I don't like hurting their feelings, but its one of those it'll probably never happen in the first place, but then I guess you never know right? Like I said...boys are dumb. Sorry if I offend any of you...lol

I talked with on of my friends back home last night. He's a super freaky genius...has a couple full rides being thrown at him so he has big decisions to make. Ironically I do too. One would think two years into college I'd have a good grasp on what I want to be...but I don't. Of course we ended up talking about John Piper and I'm in the process of listening to one of his sermons. Good stuff is coming out of them...I'm just waiting to see where God leads. Big neon signs would be nice but then again...we need to be wise enough to make the right decision. It'll all turn out ok though...I'm trying to be optimistic :)

blurp blurp blurp

I visited Aveda today...oh my. I knew the program would be intense, but I didn't realize how intense it would be. Day classes would be from 9-4:30 Tuesday through Saturday, night classes would be from 5-10pm Monday-Friday. If I do it, I'll definately do the day classes, I don't want to be walking through a parking garage in a strange city at 10 o'clock at night. I'm just confused as to what God wants me to do. I'm so...lost, but its all good because I know He will open and close the doors that He wants opened and closed. I'm just kind of lost right now. lol

I have managed to get nothing done over spring break. All the books I was planning to read, didn't even get a chance to touch them. My journaling has fallen way behind...my room is a mess...it just hasn't been the spring break I thought it would be. My nephew turned 1 today. I'm kind of just at a loss as how much can change in 1 year. He's still a monster...bigger than all the other kids but he's still a little cutie :) I've realized certain ships have sailed and well I guess I get to stand on the shore and wave good bye. Maybe they'll come back some day, but that's not for me to decide. I'm curious to see where I'll be next year. Aveda? IWU? UT? please...can't I just flip a coin? lol

I'm bummed I'm not going to get a chance to see Bo. I wish I could see him, but I think by the time I'm back, he'll be in back at BBC being Adam and loving Jesus...I just love him. He's seriously so great, he's going to be such an awesome pastor some day! I'd love to see Seth too, there's another really great guy. His girlfriend is a lucky little lady and I sure hope she realizes it...if not I'll gladly take him ;) Just kidding...I'm breaking from boys lol It'll be better this way...yet none of my friends think I have it in me. Talk about great encouragement right? But seriously, I'm taking time to love on the only one that can love me unconditionally. Yay Jesus!

untitled...

I'm not really sure how to title this, it's mainly going to be a bunch of blurbs and points of randomness...story of my life really lol

I love the insight of some of my friends. I love reading about different thoughts they have, or hearing what they have to say, or just the encouragement they have for me in my current status in life right now. My friend Josh has developed a pretty intense liking for John Piper and he now has me listening to his sermons online...I feel like a bit of a nerd..lol The one I'm listening to right now is All Things For Good, Part 3. I couldn't find Part 1 or 2...so I'm kind of jumping in at the end...I'm curious to see what he has to say though...

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I'm still searching for what God wants for me. He's brought a lot of realizations into my life recently about where I was placing too many things before Him...and thats definately not cool...I'm thankful though that He's opened my eyes and that He's been with me during these moments. I could never be more thankful....

Well I'm going to finish my sermon...then go to bed. Yay John Piper?!

Diary of a Mad Asian Woman...

Ok not really...but I did watch this movie tonight with Paige. Moral of the story is black olive pizza, popcorn, melt-away mints and a good movie is the perfect recipe for an exciting night! I love her mucho mucho and I'm so happy I had the opportunity to hang out with her! She's is nothing short of amazing :)

We had the new pastoral candidate come and speak to the congregation today. I'm not going to lie, I really like him. He seems like he'd be a good fit for the church. I enjoyed his sermons both this morning and evening, he had a lot of good things to say! Apparently he lost major points with some on Friday with his "epic" chapel on Ehud the left handed judge? lol I got a good laugh out of I'm not going to lie...

Spring break is starting to make a bit of a turn around. I love my friends and I've missed them a lot! I'm super excited to see how this week goes! I've got a few days of work, and a LOT of catching up to do with some other friends. I'm excited :)

Thank you for a good day God!

So much from a break?

Well spring break is here! I have to say though...I'm having a pretty miserable time so far...Things just aren't going as well as I would like. Don't get me wrong..there are definately highlights and good things that have happened...but God I don't know what you're trying to do in other situations. I'm afraid he's never going to forgive me for the hurt I've caused him but God I shouldn't worry about that. That's between the two of you right? I know you can change his heart God, I'm sorry I'm having such a hard time trusting you...its just going to be one of those weeks. I can already tell and I can already feel it...I'm just so confused and flustered right now! I don't want to let you down, and I don't want things to go back to the way that they were. You're always in control...show me what you want me to do....

Sunny with a High of 55

Thank you Lord for a beautiful day! I can't thank you enough for the sunshine and warmer weather! God you knew I needed it today and I just thank you so much for it!

Today was a lovely day! It didn't quite reach 55, but it was warmer, the sun was shining and I was actually happy. I had a good day. I'm so thankful for that! I haven't had a day when I've felt this good in a while, Thank you Lord. The sun was shining, I took two walks around campus, got a blended lemonade from McConn...it was just a really good day! I don't want to brag about it, but I'm really excited! I'm excited to see the work that God is doing in me! I just feel like He's ready to show me so many things about himself and I can't wait. I've had to make some really hard decisions lately, and don't get me wrong...I hurt, but I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me! I've been praying for guidance and I've been praying for the person I hurt. I'm sorry that it had to go this way but I need to change and by hanging on to something from the past it just wasn't going to happen. I was to vulnerable to the devil if you read my previous post. My emotions were involved and exposed and I need to change, this is the way that it has to be for now. I've turned the situation over to God. I've decided that if he wants to bless me with that friendship again than I will be more than willing to accept it, but the opposite is also true. If it's not in His plan for my future, I'm just going to have to let it go. I'm seeking Him, and I'm waiting for His direction, and I don't know if I've said this already...but I'm really excited! lol

The Armor of God

It's been a pretty long day today. An unfortunate situation basically erupted today and I'm still a little worked up about it. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but all this happened before I made my commitment to change and it's just like one thing after the other these days...I've got a lot of people praying for me and I know prayer is a powerful tool. I called my friend Steve and kind of talked through some things with him and he told me about what he had gone over in Bible study that morning. They were going over the Armor of God found in Ephesians 6. After telling him about the commitment that I made he started reading out of his NLT. There is a section of application on the armor of God and this is what it has to say....

God's Armor For Us : We are engages in a spiritual battle--all believers find themselves subject to Satan's attacks because they are no longer on Satan's side. Thus, Paul tells us to use every piece of God's armor to resist Satan's attacks and to stand true to God in the midst of those attacks.

The Belt of Truth : Satan fights with lies and sometimes his lies sound like the truth; but only believers have God's truth, which can defeat Satan's lies.

The Body Armor of Righteousness : Satan often attacks our hearts--the seat of our emotions, self-worth, and trust. God's righteousness is the body armor that protects our heart and ensures his approval. He approves of us because he loves us and sent his Son to die for us.

The Shoes of Good News : Satan wants us to think that telling others the Good News is a worthless and hopeless task -- the size of the task is too big and teh negative responses are too much to handle. But the shoes God gives us are the motivation to continue to proclaim the true peace that is available in God -- news everyone needs to hear

The Shield of Faith : What we see are Satan's attacks in the form of insults, setbacks, and temptations. But they shield of faith protects us from Satan's fiery arrows. With God's perspective we can see beyong our circumstances and know that ultimate victory is ours.

The Helmet of Salvation : Satan wants to make us doubt God, Jesus and our salvation. The helmet protects our mind from doubting God's saving work for us.

The Sword (Word of God) : The sword is the only weapon of offense in this list of armor. There are times when we need to take the offensive against Satan. When we are tempted we need to trust in the truth of God's Word.

So I realize that was long but it was definately applicable to my life right now. I made the commitment to change, Satan's mad I'm done with his ways...so now he's trying to get me to give up. Right now he's using the lies, my emotions, and setbacks. I'm trying to fight back but I'm afraid that I'm failing...I've pulled out the stops and have enlisted the help of people to pray for me and encourage me. God I know you are pursuing me and I am pursuing you...I want to live my life for You.

Power of a Moment...

I'm so thankful for my RA. I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with her today and she's an amazing person. I'm going through so many hurts and disappointments and confusion and she's lent a listening ear, offered advice when she had some to offer, and just was there for me. I don't know how else to explain it other than God heard and answered my prayer of lonliness. He sent me Kayliegh who not only comes from a similiar story, but has a love and passion and joy in Him that I cannot wait to have. She challenged me with a few questions...mostly she challenged me with the question "Who am I in God?" I haven't come up with any answers yet...but I'm definately thinking about it. I've made my commitment to you God. I'm not backing away this time...

Love...

1 John 4:18

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

"Love is patient, love is kind. it does not evny, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love Never Fails."

I have such a skewed view of love. Basically what it comes down to is...I'm not loving the way I should be. I'm honestly doubting that love can make it through anything. I'm not refering to perfect love, I'm refering to the love that I have. I doubt it can keep things together and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to reach a perfect love. I'm not saying its impossible, but I'm just not sure. I've got so many other things going on inside myself. Fear is a big part of it...and I know what I'm being punished for. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm trying..I'm struggling..I'm crying...still. Taking everything one day at a time is basically how this is going to have to work, but what I think it comes down to is this....I don't really love you and I'm still struggling to think that you love me...

Sunday Sunday Sunday...

This morning I got on facebook and saw some articles posted by one of my friends back home. He posted three different articles all by John Piper. Say waht you will about the man...not everyone agrees with him...but I was raised Baptist so you have to allow some John Piper in my life. lol

Article 1 : How Can I Discern the Specific Calling of God on my Life?
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TopicIndex/92_Knowing_Gods_Will/2482_How_can_I_discern_the_specific_calling_of_God_on_my_life/
Article 2 : How Can I Discern the Specific Ministry God Wants Me to Pursue?
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TopicIndex/92_Knowing_Gods_Will/2567_How_can_I_discern_what_ministry_God_wants_me_to_pursue/
Article 3 : How Should I Spend My Time?
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TopicIndex/92_Knowing_Gods_Will/3143_How_should_I_spend_my_time/


Hopefully those links will work. They're pretty good articles and they definately are applicable to where I am in life! They talked a lot about renewing your mind and immersing yourself into God's word. I'm in the process of doing that, or atleast I'm trying to. It'll probably take a while, and I'm not expecting a quick fix. Quick fixes never last...I want this to be something that sticks. I'm tired of getting the quick fix and then going back to the way things used to be. I want to do things the right way.

I am so ready for summer. Give me the warm weather, the tan, the cookouts and the fireworks. Bring on the flip flops and the thunderstorms. Bring on the best friends and the unforgettable moments. I'm ready for summer...

Proverbs 3:5

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."

I learned this verse eons ago when I was really young in Sparkies. Then I learned it again in Chums. Then I learned it again in jr high Bible classes, and Sunday school classes, and basically every other form of Bible teaching or church related card/encouraging note. Over all those years, I kind of just brushed it off because I knew what the verse said and I knew what the verse meant...yet as stupid as it sounds I didn't realize how applicable it was to life, especially my own. I'm not going to lie, I have trust issues. I have issues not being in control and letting someone else be the one to take the reigns. Naturally everyone would assume that I'm a leader...well you're wrong. For the most part, I'll let someone else lead the large group, I'm more of a blend into the background follower; atleast when it comes to academic groups and assignments. I do, however, like to be in control. I like to control what I'm feeling and I like to control what happens in my life but I've completely realized that sometimes things happen that as much as you'd like to control them...you can't. God is the only controller of everything. I feel like a horrible Christian by saying I have a hard time trusting God, but as I've proved yet again...when I try to control my life I make a mess of it. I make a mess of my emotions. I make a mess of my future. I myself become a mess. Now that I've made the realization, the next step is to really try. I know I have a huge problem with it. I have a huge problem with many things. I'm trying though. I'm trying to change. I'm not content with "just being the way I've always been" I was born with a sinful nature. If you knew me in jr high you would've thought I was the spawn of Satan...but I'm not happy with just being the way I am. I need to change. I have many things I need to tackle and I'm not looking forward to the inevitable tears along the way, but it needs to happen. I need to change. This is going to have to be my me and God time. I'm eager to see how God works in me, and I'm excited to be changed. I'm not naive though, it's going to be rough and I'm going to feel really low, but thats what I need.

"God always works with people where they are, doing for them what they need most"

seasons change...so can I

Galatians 6:7-10

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4-8

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:...."

"a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,a time to embrace and a time to refrain; a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away; a time to tear down and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

As I haven't kept from hiding, I've been going through a lot. I've made my decision after praying about it and reading what God has already said in His word. It's not going to be an easy road to travel. It won't be enjoyable. I'm trusting that this too shall pass. I've been finding comfort in the fact that there is a time for everything. This is my time to reap what I've sown. I'm paying for the sins that I have done...and I'm ashamed but I know that through this I will become a stronger and better Christian. I feel like this has been my breaking point. Throughout my entire life I've played a type of hide and seek game with God. I'd run and hide, live my life whatever way I wanted to...but he'd find me and then it would be my turn to seek him. Then once I've found him I run and hide again. I'm tired of playing the game. I don't want to hide anymore and I know I cannot make it through this on my own strength. My sinful nature has been showing through lately...I've been struggling a lot of envy and jealousy. Two very similar and equally ugly emotions. I'm trying to change and I know it won't be easy. I've been praying about it and looking for ways to make the change, but as we all know changes don't happen overnight. It's going to be a process and it's going to take a toll on me emotionally. But I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength...